Superfluous Baloney

This week my brain has felt as though it went on vacation to Nevernever Land. Left behind stranded, my body just muddles along disconnected. I feel completely out of sync with my surroundings. Even home doesn't feel quite right. The people I normally get along with quite well have become somewhat grinding. Like the pain from a tattoo, tolerable, but relentless and slightly annoying. I feel as though I no longer fit in this life. This life I created here in The South with the sole purpose of progressing my career. The career has moved forward as planned, but has also become somewhat of a burden I am no longer happy carrying. For three straight years I have focused on nothing but work. Strategizing my next move, picturing my next steps, sacrificing anything resembling a life. I think I have achieved what I set out to do. I don't believe I would be very happy ascending past my current role. At least not in this company. Partially due to the economy and partially due to a significant change in leadership, the atmosphere at work has become heavy with negativity and a sense of surrender hangs so thick it makes it difficult to breathe some days, let alone smile. I understand the world is full of reasons to be negative right now, but everyone here still has a job, so why has everyone given up? All that is to say work is not my happy place any longer and has been replaced as the center of my universe. Or at least I am actively seeking a replacement. However, my search has to be somewhat limited until I complete my degree. I only have 18 more months which I know does not seem like much except when you are an impatient pain in the ass like I am. I have decided I am ready to not only transition my focus, but also my residence. That's right...I'm ready to move again.

I know some may view my transient nature as a certifiable craziness, but it's just the way I am. When I am ready for a change, I'm usually ready for a big one. I need a serious change in scenery that will assist me in finding a new focus other than the drudgery also currently referred to as work. I think I can find it back in the Midwest. I have never felt as comfortable any where as I did when I lived in Kansas and Missouri. Nebraska is also very similar. Yes, I know they have some of the worst weather in the U.S. but the people, the culture, the atmosphere make all the difference.

Thoughts of making this type of a change seem to consume me now. When you have a rough time focusing on the present as it is (ADD anyone?) these types of distractions only intensify the mental check out. It's like I let my brain get lost and then it gets too far away and I struggle to get it back. That's even if I notice it has left. Most of the time I don't until I realize I have no idea what I just spent the last ten minutes doing or where I set down the keys that I just remembered having in my hand. It ends up making me look scatter brained and clumsy and slackerish. I overlook important details like where the hell I parked my car and if I put on deodorant or not. I just completely check out, especially in situations that are mundane, day to day activities. The auto pilot kicks on without me even being aware of it until several minutes later when I realize my brain has been on fast forward planning my next big life altering step. As though my brain has floated off up into the clouds of the future. When it does finally reground itself and I am back in reality I have been more than a tad irritable about the landing. As I said I am impatient, especially when my mind is made up. It makes me annoyed and frustrated with time. Which tends to manifest itself as just all around crabbiness. Discontentment is never a good feeling, but that is where I am at right now, thus my brain checks out as a coping mechanism. So if I seem like I'm in LaLa Land or as though I am testy, it's because I am. I am ready for the next phase of my life, but someone hit the slow-mo button when all I can stand is fast forward. In other words, bear with my moodiness over the next 18 months as a get myself all educated so I can bail on the abyss also know as The South.