Superfluous Baloney

I stole this from Martha because my brain is moosh since I ate mostly sugar for lunch and now look like that girl from the energy shot commercial when they are trying to demonstrate what you look and feel like after coming down off an energy drink high. You know...hair all tussled and ratty, shirt half untucked, crooked kind of frowny face and all slumped over. I know that is EXACTLY how I must look right this very minute because I chose damn banana pudding for lunch over an energy shot! Damn that tasty banana pudding with vanilla wafers. You will forever be the bane of my existence and the cause of totally boring, lackluster blog posts.

Photo MeMe

I am supposed to be heading up to the third floor right now to talk with a "colleague" about something she stated was "personal." I use the quotes because I struggle with considering this person a colleague. She is older than me and is a Director. Older, wiser, higher and better paid. I am intimidated. Why would this person want to talk to me about something personal? One could argue that it's my job. Because it is. But when I think about it in my brain I wonder, "What could I possibly to do to help this professional? I'm just a big, immature dork in a grown up body." It makes me feel inept, intimidated and just all around awkward.

I have quite a few people in my life both professionally and personally who come to me for advice. Most often I don't mind it. I enjoy being someone who can support others. It makes me feel important I guess and everyone has an ego to feed despite our efforts to prove otherwise. I believe I have a decent ability to be reasonable and apply logic to issues surrounding others. I think I have a knack for providing incite into the human psyche. And again, I like that people lean on me.

But sometimes, like today, it makes me nervous. Despite my initial reaction of, "Omg, what have I done wrong that they would want to talk with me about?" (Paranoid much? Yes. Completely.) My second response is to think, "But why would you want to tell me about that? Don't you want to tell someone who has it together more? Someone who makes sense and doesn't have such a messy life? Someone who has it 'together'?" I don't know who that would be, but surely there is a better option than me?

Recently even a few recent additions to my life has begun to lean on me for advice and maybe just an occasional rant session. I can't help but to take a step back and wonder at their ability to show a little vulnerability and dependency with someone that really don't know all that well. I struggle with relying on people I have known half my life. Maybe I envy them that. It just seems like individuals that I would consider leaning on back tend to somewhat be unreliable themselves. They seem fickle with their emotions. One minute calling me incessantly and the next telling me I am worthless. (I know, I don't have suck great taste.) The ones that I would really like to reach out to and form a bond, maybe rely on a bit, make it impossible to do so. They seem to only call with the purpose of venting their own frustrations and even, on occasion taking those frustrations out on me. Some seem to forget I am human too. Maybe I would like a chance to talk about something I could use a different perspective on. Or maybe I would just like to vent for awhile about something that has been bothering me. But there doesn't seem much time for that. There seems to only be time for them. And on occasion, when it seems to dawn on them that I may actually have a life beyond the scope of their telephone calls and life issues, they will make a half-hearted attempt at inquiring about me. But it seems to feel just like that, half hearted and somewhat insincere. I also can't help but feel like they seem to have enough of their own issues going on so why burden them with mine as well? What could they possible do or say that would help? And what if I did reveal something about me, some weakness or vulnerability and it made me weak in their eyes?

I know this is all paranoia trapped in my own brain, but despite how illogical it may all sound, it is what I feel. I know it probably sounds like silly insecure fear, but when those you have exposed yourself to have proven to be unworthy or unreliable or have even used it later to throw in your face, you can tend to get a little uneasy with it.

Speaking of vulnerabilities, I am also struggling with some of these people discovering some of my weaknesses, my personality flaws, and using them against me. I guess they think because I don't mind listening to them and providing advice that I should also be perfect and never make a mistake. I do make mistakes and I do say and do the wrong things at inappropriate times. I have no problem with people pointing this out to me, but what can you do when they don't just point them out, but also rub your nose good and hard in it. And then, when you attempt to apologize for your faux pas and the resulting hurt feelings, they won't allow you. I know what most people who say, "Drop that person on their ear and walk away." But it feels horrible to have hurt someone's feelings (especially when it was unintentional) and then when they don't let you apologize or tell you you aren't really sorry? Nothing like kicking a girl when she's down.

I am not perfect, not even close. Not by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think I try hard not to hurt people's feelings. To be accused of the opposite is hurtful and disheartening. It makes me want to crawl in a corner and lick my wounds until it all goes away. That's exactly what I did all weekend and plan on continuing to do so for the rest of the week. I've managed to put on a brave face at work and no one around me is none the wiser, but on the inside it's still there. A hard knot in the back of my throat and a faint nagging in the back of my mind. I have tried very hard to stay busy so I don't have time to hear it or feel it. But everyone has to slow down now and again and it comes back with a vengeance.

I just wish, every once in awhile, I would get a break and a chance at not being perfect. A chance to apologize for my flaws and an opportunity to do better. Apparently the forgiveness I have extended on so many occasions is not reciprocal. Apparently I am not allowed to be weak and flawed on ocassion. My job is to be strong , sympathetic and wise. While everyone else can be vulnerable and dependable. No wonder I have learned to be self sufficient at consoling myself and healing my own wounds. Who the hell would want to do it for me?

This has probably made no sense and reads like one long ramble, but this is what has been eating up my brain all weekend and maybe now with it out I can just let it die.

I have always been terrified of haunted houses. Particularly those that are erected around Halloween in old abandoned buildings in dirty downtown cities. But really, it doesn't even take that much. It could be as a little a small domesticated version in a suburban neighborhood and it will still scare the crap out of me. When I was younger I was coerced by the guiles of adolescent peer pressure to venture into my first one. I recall being about five feet from the initial entrance and feeling the anxiety build to the point where I almost felt it was strangling me as my breathing became more labored. I started to panic as my high school boyfriend, a group of friends and I grew ever closer to the ominous ticket taker at the front of the line (appropriately dressed as the grim reaper). They all teased and joked about my cowardly lion routine as I gripped tighter to my boyfriends hand and begged someone to stay close behind me. The initial entrance was illuminated with an eerie green glow and the shadows were glimpsed and things lurking could be sensed. After the first thing jumped out and scared me almost to the point of tears I decided I had to come up with a plan to live through this quickly. My pathetic coping mechanism ended up being walking through the entire thing with my eyes jammed tightly shut and shuffling my feet along slowly (thus if I would hopefully have some warning when the front of shoes began to run into something, ideally something that was not alive).

I realize in hindsight this may not have been the most brilliant approach. It was rather like the cat thinking you can't see it because it's head is under the covers while it's furry derriere hangs out in plain sight. But some how I found more comfort in total blindness rather than facing the frightening unknown. For some reason I preferred to pretend as if the whole thing didn't exist rather than at least attempting to predict what lie around the next corner. I could have made some fairly educated guesses had I opened at least one eye based on glimpses of movement here and there, not to mention the reactions of those in front of me in line. But instead I closed my eyes for dear life and shuffled along like a scaredy cat.

Recently I have noted I seem to be taking a similar approach to my personal life. For at least a good three years now I have shuffled through with my eyes tightly shut, not even brave enough to stick my arms out to assist by groping along the way. I can't even sugar coated it by saying I was just being safe and conscientious. I have been a blatant chicken shit.

With my professional life I have not only gone along with my eyes open, I have actually just jumped in: arms in front to clear the way, legs ready to kick any obstacles in my path and walking with an obvious determination. Each challenge had been met and not just won, but conquered. I have had no fear to really speak of and very little anxiety (except for that first class in the graduate program where everyone panics a bit and thinks, "what the hell have I gotten myself into!?" But immediately after receiving that first A I fell right in stride.) It simple does not frighten me. I have a plan, I have stuck to it and have been successful.

Why is this not the case in my personal life? Why can I not even force myself to open an eye or stick out an arm? Because I have no control in the realm of socializing and relationships. I am not brave enough to face the unknown head on. I do not possess enough courage to trade in the shuffle for determined steps with a specific destination in mind. Hell, I can't even bring myself to think about coming up with a destination, let alone a plan on how to get there. The moment I attempt to give it a whirl I feel as though I am back waiting in the line at the haunted house. The anxiety encircles my throat and begins to squeeze at the thought of even beginning to hope to make something of my the time not spent at work or working on work. If I do that I have to have hope and I have to factor in all of the overwhelming unknowns and I have to relinquish control. I have to open myself (and my eyes) to the notion of being exposed in front of someone. What if they turn out to be a luminous green monster that scares the bejesus out of me and makes me cry? All of that is too much to think of right now, too overwhelming and frightening. So I continue forward with my eyes tightly shut and my feet shuffling along.

Sorry, gotta get this out: I cannot fucking WAIT to get out of the South. This place is full of nothing but superficial, fake, insensitive, ignorant assholes. I could never even dream of living any where near here for the rest of my sad little years. In exactly 19 months I will complete my graduate program and finally have the chance to escape back to the Midwest where people are kind, unpretentious, easy going and straight forward. I can't wait to get back to good friends who can appreciate sarcasm and a cheap alcohol. Those that actually make a point of being available when you need to do some whining and offer you more cheap alcohol as a consolation.

Whenever you hit below the belt, remember I can hit lower.

Learn to bob and weave.

Your temper is a weakness people like me will use against you.

The strong only get stronger and the weak only get weaker.

Your arrogance has an intrusive odor that will repel people.

You would benefit more from the alluring aroma of humility.

You believe your hubris conveys confidence.

The message is distorted as it passes through the filter of perception.

You want to be the loudest voice in the crowd.

Close your mouth and open your ears to the beauty of silence.

You expect to be handed the reins before you have learned to ride.

Crawl and beseech before you walk and demand.

You see no worth in patience.

Good things come to those that wait.

You believe your pedigree makes you entitled.

When you rise up the ceiling above only gets higher.

You wear your inflated ego like a badge of honor.

Modesty lingers and leaves a resonating mark, but arrogance is quickly dismissed.

Your actions do not match your words.

Accomplishments should rise above prose like the loudest voice in the choir.

You are easily frustrated by the game of bureaucracy.

If the deck is stacked, bring your own cards.

You think you are owed.

Trust and respect are not awarded at graduation..

Your nerves are thin and weak.

The last ones standing had the thickest skin.

You believe you are the center.

There can be no center without the encompassing edges.

You believe youth trumps all.

With age comes the benefit of having both the before and the after.

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. ~Douglas MacArthur .