Superfluous Baloney

If your ex REALLY needed you at 3 am, would you go to his/her house?
I don't even know where he is, but no. I wouldn't. Mean? Maybe, but true.


When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Better question would be when was the last time I didn't want to?


What are the last three things you spent money on?
Poster frames, dryer sheets, hairspray.


What was the last thing you cried about?
Stupid stuff that is too stupid to divulge here or any where for that matter.


Could you go a day without eating?
Yes. I would be a cranky wanker, but I could do it.


Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J?
Yeah, quite a few actually. It's a popular letter.


Do you smoke weed regularly?
Never


Drugs are bad?
Illegal ones? for the most part, yes. Unless you really need to lose weight fast or need to stay awake for three days straight or don't really like your teeth anyway.


Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
Yes.


When was the last time you were disappointed?
Yesterday. Disappointed in how a meeting was handled at work.


Has a girl ever seriously punched you?
Yes. I punch back fortunately.


What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Agua


Have you kissed two different people in one night?
Yes.


Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
Yes. Give me a compliment or ask me to talk about my feelings and you have me awkward.


In the past week have you felt stupid?
Yes. Probably even more than once.


Have you ever been outside completely naked?
Yes. More than once.


What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
The earth would stop spinning and Bush would be impeached.


Who did you text the most yesterday?
John


What were you doing at 10pm Friday night?
Video games and the consumption of copious amounts of wine. Oh yeah, and I smoked a cigar.


What are your plans for today?
Work and gym. That's it. And maybe a smidge of homework.


Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Yes, easily.


What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
Girl stuff, annual check up.


What is the last thing you yelled aloud?
WTF is wrong with people?


What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Green and sheep.


Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?
Yes.


Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?
Yes.


What's one action you do when you're really nervous?
Bite my nails, but I also do it when I'm bored.


Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
TV probably


Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn't say to their face?
HA - no. Whatever I type would also be said to their face.


One word that explains perfectly how you feel at the moment?
Disengaged


What did the last text message you received say?
"If I said u had a beautiful body body would u hold it against me" We were playing the song lyric game.


What is this obsession with text messaging?
For me, I hate talking on the phone. I do it all day at work so if I can send a message and get what I need in a matter of a few minutes I would rather do that then have a 10 minute (or more) conversation on the phone.


Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
I might dwell on it for a bit, but ultimately I would get over it. Fortunately, I lose interest in things quickly.


How hard is your life right now?
HA. It's not shit right now. I don't have money problems, I don't have a hard time with school, I like my job and I could care less about a love life. Piece of cake.


Have you ever taken anyone for granted?
Of course. I think everyone has at some point whether it was intentional or not.

"You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip". Jonathan Carroll, Outside the Dog Museum

I can't figure out what I want. I can't figure out what to do. I don't know what to say. And for the first time in a very long time I don't know where I am going. I like my job. There is no denying that. And I can say I have busted my ass and spent hours strategizing to get where I am today. At the end of the day I am satisfied and content. Am I happy? I don't know that I would go that far. But I am in my comfort zone. Do I think there is more that I want out of life besides just a career and a bunch of degrees? I think there is, but there is something that prevents me from striving and working toward that goal as agressively as I have career and school aspirations. I have been accused on more than one occasion of thinking too much. However, I could list off numerous times I have chosen to throw caution to the wind and screw thinking things through over the last 10 years. I chose to just go with what I felt and gave in to the ellicit temptations. And I was not happy at the end of it. Each and every time it burned me and kicked me hard, catapulting me to this paranioa I live in now. And although the experiences made me stronger and taught me lessens, it also made me significantly less brazen and bold. That lame, old school saying definitely applies, "you play with fire you are going to get burned," and eventually you learn to stop fucking around with fire. I guess that is the real downside to getting older. I don't give a fuck about my body wearing out or my mind losing it's sharpness. I worry that I have lost my ability to say, "Fuck it" and do what I want anyway, despite what others might say or think. But as you get older you end up with much more at stake and you just can't convince yourself to jump in head first without thinking any more. Which has led me to ultimately being more comfortable alone than allowing someone into my world. I just can't buy into the concept anymore that there are still mounds of good people in this world. I sold myself on that bullshit last year. I forced myself to work through my issue surrounding committment and I ultimately did a great job of putting it behind me and learning to trust again. But then I once again led myself to a complete douche bag who took advantage of it. And what happened? Of course, just like so many others before him, he calls me up at a later date and wants to give it another go. WTF? Seriously? I just spent the last six months learning how to forget you and the bullshit you brought into my life and the damage you did to my self esteem and now, because you are so fucking fantastic, I am supposed to forget about all that and welcome you back into my life? Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. But that is the theme of my relationships. It gets ugly, we break up and then any where from 6 months to 7 years down the road (yes one dumb ass tracked me down like a cyber stalker after that long) you contact me to explain what a piece of shit you were "x" number of months/years ago and that you want to give it a go again. Sure! Because of course I have placed my entire life on hold since the day things ended between us in hopes that you would contact me again some day. This is not something that has happened to me once or twice or even three times, it has literally happened 7-8 times in the last ten years. After all this shit and after the last nightmare, a.k.a. relationship, I decided I couldn't do it any more. So for seven months I stayed home. I considered it a good weekend if I went through the whole thing without leaving my apartment or interacting with anyone, even on the phone. I hibernated more than the Unibomber while writing his manifesto. The only thing that forced me back into the world of socializing was the frightening realization that some day, when I was old and wrinkled, I would look back at these years and kick myself for not trying harder to meet someone. I have a very good friend who recently called off his wedding. It was one month before the "go live" date. He told me he simply was not ready and didn't know if he would ever be. I responded with some very real sentiments I have toward marriage. You only get one chance in your life to love and marry someone without inhibition and with blind, naive trust. That is right before your first marriage. If that one doesn't last, particularly through no fault of your own (either she was nuttier than squirrel terds or maybe he was a cheating bastard) you get screwed and are left with a jaded, disillusioned perspective of love. I wasted my chance early in life. I know several others who did as well, but thankfully were still able to convince themselves to marry the wonderful people they are still with today. Unfortunately though, not all of us are that fortunate. Some of us end up so damaged by the experience we just can't bring ourselves to do it again. Ultimately we end up wasting the primetime years of our life hiding behind the fear and anxiety. And that's where I remain. Stuck and sinking a little more each day.

Since moving to the South I have noticed men in this area seem a bit repressed. Particularly in the area of making a move. Whether it's just simply holding a hand, moving in for a kiss, etc. they seem to move at the pace of an Amish man circa 1890.

Not that I want to be groped and man handle on the second date or anything, but one would think they might be able to at least manage brushing up against a gal. I mean, how are you to know it is going to be more than friends if you don't ever get to shove your tongue down his throat to verify whether or not sparks exist? And who really has the time to invest 4 or 5 meetings in order to do so? Seriously, who has that kind of time?

When embarking upon the crazy ritual this world refers to as "dating" it seems to make good logical sense to request the advice of a member of the opposite sex. Out of total frustration, I recently requested such advice from a male counterpart. Below is the advice I received. Although not very helpful, I did find it utterly hysterical. It just reaffirms my belief that guys make better friends that lovers. HA.

Hmmm – Ouch, I don’t think most normal healthy “men” past age 25 need anything to get them going…. I always put on the hard core press, all you can say in no. It’s our job to put the moves on and your job to say you’re not ready… (if your not) – One can’t wait too long, then it’s just that friends crap of a hug and a kiss – I always found a good slap on the ass broke the ice – you want me to call this guy. 3 dates… yea, something is wrong… Should have been ordering a pizza on the 3^rd date, for delivery.