Superfluous Baloney

Despite all the warning sirens and red flashing lights that go off in my head when I see you, think of you. I still proceed down the twisting, turning road. Caution another sign reads as the flashing yellow lights place an eerie glow across my face. My alter ego accompanies me in the passenger seat, screaming obscenities, begging, rationalizing, any approach that will to get me to wake up from the mesmerized state that results from your hypnotic influence. I just turn the radio up louder to drown out the nagging words. Nothing will work, not arguments of logic, memories of past experience...they all fall on deaf ears and blind eyes once I am focused. I continue my drive down this road, a road that is new and exciting, yet all too familiar. Dangerous Curves warnings don't slow me down. I can forsee the painful twists and turns that will come as your sort through the past and try to look ahead to the future; a future that will most likely not include me. Despite the glaring alerts I proceed with a firm grasp on the steering wheel. I tell myself I can handle it, I'm just filling up time: having fun. But deep inside I know the truth. I know what lies at the end and I fear it. I fear the abrupt stop that is bound to occur once you find your own strength and security, not requiring it from external sources any longer. I will be caught off guard despite seeing it coming and bracing myself for the impact. No matter how much I clench and prepare with my defensive stance, I will still be bowled over by the pain and hurt that will surely accompany the end - when you don't need me anymore. I will see it coming in the distance, but I'll ignore it and convince myself it's just the neurosis talking. Up ahead I will see where the pavements stops and a brick wall menacingly stands. Clinging to moronic optimism, I will hit the accelerator and pray for the wall to disintegrate. The car will collide with the unyielding wall. Bits of metal and glass will spray into the air and the sound of a heart breaking will echo. Eventually I will climb out of the rumble and assess the damage. The car is now an unrecognizable heap, battered and broken. As I wonder if it can be salvaged, Pain, a familiar, but unwelcomed friend, begins to wrap it's encompassing arms around me in a comforting embrace. I'll lean in to the soothing embrace quietly berating myself for ignoring all those damn signs.

I have started several different posts of the last month or two but just can't seem to complete them. I have a myriad of things on my mind lately that range from things like my MBA, dating, work, the concept of Mindfulness, my mom being currently unemployed, etc. I don't know what my problem is but I struggle to concentrate and stay motivated to complete things...including posts! Maybe I will just provide some snippets of my thoughts and beg you all for feedback.

School: Man, for awhile there I was feeling like my intelligence must have been leaking slowly out of my ears since I completed my undergrad. I know it is only my first class and I should take into consideration a certain amount of time for an adjustment period, but for awhile there I was thinking, "Oh Lawd, what have a I gotten myself into?" After I talked to a few other people however, I discovered I wasn't the only person feeling that way. And now that I have my first class behind me I realize I did not do so bad.

Dating: Blick. Four men in a row all just out of marriages or in the process of a divorce. Someone please remove the neon sign on my back that says, "Lost Souls Apply Here." I understand those people need someone to talk to, especially someone who has been there and done that. But come on kids. I have been divorced for SEVEN YEARS. I am kind of past that phase and would like to meet someone who is also past that. I know the long road they have ahead of them to really get past a failed marriage and I just don't feel like being the Queen of Rebounds. And my favorite is when they try to convince you they really are ready to move on and date and commit to someone new Blah, Blah, Blah. No you aren't. At least not with me. Kthxbye. Needless to say after a solid two month effort I have decided I need a longer hiatus from dating. In the meantime if anyone discovers an undiscovered coven of secure, confident, ambitious men who have been single for some time please let me know.

Mindfulness: I came across this topic in a book I am reading and was immediately intrigued. I have only scratched the surface of everything it entails, but have already found it very useful. If nothing else, it has at least made me aware of how much time I spend checked out. I would say through the course of a day I spend about 75% not focused, engaged, conscious (whatever you want to call it) in the act I am performing in that moment. I think that has contributed to my issues with focusing and my insanely annoying forgetfulness and randomness. (Although I do enjoy the randomness somewhat as I think it is entertaining to watch people try to keep up as I bounce from what random thought to the next.) Anyway, I think the next step is to slowing work in meditation sessions into each day to continue my study of the topic and watch its impact on my life in general.

So yeah, that's where I am at lately. All over the board really it seems.

After a week full of such reveling entertainment as three sexual harassment investigations in which the word "hoochie momma" came up with uncomfortable regularity, my seventh EEOC complaint I have to respond to by the end of the week, and authorizing the termination of three different managers for a myriad of reasons, I was basically beat. Mentally tapped out, I decided to bail and take Friday off to catch up on doing absolutely nothing - my favorite pass time. Friday consisted of sleeping in until 8 and then going back to sleep until 9:30 followed by lunch with a friend, the viewing of Ironman (pretty disappointing although Robert Downey, Jr. was stellar with his uncanny ability to play the role of a disenchanted play boy and still manage to be endearing...but Gwenyth was getting too dangerously close to passing over into the territory of redhead when she donned her newly strawberry blonde locks for her role has Pepper Pots for my taste) and then dinner at a very tasty Italian restaurant which even included a kick ass fudge brownie cake smothered in homemade chocolate sauce and caramel with vanilla ice cream on the side. I felt my thighs expanding even further as I typed that. Yesterday encompassed much of the same although with a lot less activity. And then there was today which involved me leaving the house only once for a whole 20 minutes to take the dogs for a walk topped off with cracking open a Mojito or two to enjoy with my dinner. Sometimes a girl just needs to lounge about like a worthless POS in order to get her head back in the right place, ya know? Needless to say I am feeling much better and significantly less jaded about people. Now if I could just get myself to focus on my homework I would be set.