Superfluous Baloney

There is something amazingly blissful about being mind numbing exhausted from a a kick ass workout. Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again. - Mike Myers

Thank you to Martha for saving me from the boredom of 6 hours spent in an airport after a cancelled flight with no book on hand. She wasn't going to tag anyone so I gratefully tagged myself.

8 Things I’m Passionate About...
1. Animals
2. Everyone being allowed to get married to whoever they want
3. Just doing the right damn thing. It amazes me in the corporate world, how many struggle with that concept.
4. Music - I live and breathe it and it is basically the only thing I can talk about for great lengths besides work and my dogs. I know, I'm a drag.
5. Confrontation - most people give that word a negative connotation, but it honestly doesn't have to be. I am insanely annoying about attempting to confront things head on even when they smart a tad (especially in relationships).
6. travel- I seriously have a list a mile long of all the amazing places I would love to go, but Bora Bora tops my list.
7. learning - I'm a freak about it. I heart school (we have discussed previously my dork status, have we not?).
8. Becoming a better person - I know I will never be perfect but I spend insane amounts of time and energy thinking about what I need to do to evolve as a person.

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die...
1. Learn to ride a motorcycle
2. Move to a foreign country to live for at least 6 months
3. Go on safari in Africa
4. get married
5. Kiss an elephant on the trunk
6. Find a deeper faith
7. Go Elk hunting in Colorado
8. Buy my mom a house

8 Things I Say Often...
1. Dammit Jim! (Hello...Star Trek duh...)
2. Rat Bastard
3. Affirmative Defense (cool legal term I get to throw around at work)
4. Are you serious?
5. Oh for fuck sake
6. My butt hurts...(this even more now that I have added the extreme workout to my routine)
7. Do you have to go potty? (While looking at two little dogs doing the pee-pee dance.)
8. I'm bored.
(After reviewing these I am realizing I am not nearly as nice as Martha...

8 TV Shows I’ve Recently Watched...
1. Paranormal State
2. The First 48
3. Cops
4. Celebrity Rehab
5. Growing up . (It's a show on Animal Planet in which they highlight different baby animals each week....soooooo cute!)
6. Seinfeld
7. King of Queens
8. Bones

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over...
1. "Hero/Heroine" - Boys Like Girls
2. "Angels and Girlfriends" - Five for Fighting
3. "Memory" - Sugarcult (Acoustic version)
4. "Missed the Boat" - Modest Mouse
5. "I Walk the Line" - Johnny Cash
6. "Lord I Hope This Day Is Good" - Don Williams
7. "Calling You" - Blue October
8. "LG Faud" - Motion City Soundtrack

8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends...
1. loyalty
2. not afraid to tell me what they think
3. support
4. reliability
5. not overly emotional or sensitive
6. easy going
7. ability to laugh
8. can talk about anything

8 Things I’ve Learned (or been reminded of) This Past Year...
1. I can never stop striving to be a better communicator
2. Think before you speak
3. I have great instincts and I need to trust them more
4. Give everything your all, but don't compromise who you are in the process.
5. There is nothing better in the world then having those two little faces and wagging tails greeting me whenever I get home.
6. You feel better when you take care of yourself.
7. Dissecting people (psychologically speaking) freaks them out, especially when you're good at it.
8. Sometimes it doesn't matter what happened, it just matters that it wasn't your fault.

A friend of mine recants the story of his five year old son's recent trip to the doctor's office. This kid is smart, real smart. He also has a flair for the dramatic as well. The stories typically make me laugh, but this one kind of struck a chord with me.

Little Jack walks into the examination room with his hand in his mother's. He walks over to the table and uses the one small step to hoist his tiny frame on to the vinyl covered metal bed. As he wiggles to adjust the tissue paper cover crinkles under his thin limbs. His legs dangle over the side, gently swinging as he waits patiently for the doctor to enter.

Finally he hears a light tap at the door and in walks the gray haired man, in his starched, white lab coat with the contraption hanging from his neck like an elephant's trunk. Mom stands up and walks over to the table and places a hand on Jack's back for reassurance.

The doctor sets down the manila file he was carrying on the counter top near the sink and turns around to address Jack. Jack begins to stare at his swinging legs.

"How are you feeling today Jack?" The kind yet stern man asks.

Jack replies, "My stomach hurts," while still looking down.

"Why do you think that is Jack?" The doctor asks quizzically with a slight hint of amusement in his eye.

Jack lifts his head and looks the man directly in the eye and replies, "Because I'm dead inside."

I feel ya kid. Hang in there. Once you hit 6 everything is a down hill coast, at least your 30s...in the mean time find a little joy in eating Coco Puffs and Saturday Morning cartoons. It'll ease it all away. It works for me anyway.

I awoke this morning feeling all sickly like. Throat on fire…insatiable need to whimper quietly in a corner until some unwitting soul traipses by and offers not so heart felt sympathy. You know, that kind of sick. Not really bad enough to justify staying at home in bed, but not really feeling well enough to deal with the pressure and fluorescent lighting at work either. I convince myself once I feel the alluring hot goodness of a caffeinated beverage I shall be reprieved of the discomfort in my throat and life shall return as it was before. I’m now sitting in my cubicle, Styrofoam cup full of bitter carmel colored liquid (I like cream. Lots and lots of cream) in hand poised at my lips, about to take a cautious sip…the first ½ teaspoon of liquid makes it way through my lips and to the tip of my tongue. It slides down my red, angry throat and makes it way to my belly where it pools nicely warming me from the inside out. Ahhhhhh. With each additional drink I am slowly relieved of the fogginess of early morning work hours, aches, pains, stiffness. The fire in my throat is extinguished. I convince myself with the assistance of another 4 or 5 cups I should survive the day.

How can I be 30 years old and continue to make the same mistakes over and over again? My dad once told me, "Anyone can be whatever they want for a year." I used to scoff at his cynicism. But unfortunately, I think he is right. People, and I don't think it's necessarily intentional, put their best face forward when you meet them. But as you did a little deeper you discover the little faults and "issues" they were trying to keep from you. I understand wanting to make a good impression and not wanting to scare someone off right off the bat with all of your nuances and skeletons. But is it too much to ask to at least attempt to ease them in after a few weeks? A little at a time? Maybe my problem is I work to hard to figure people out too quickly. And when I do figure them out much sooner than they had anticipated. I think I just naturally have an intuition when it comes to people and I've been fortunate enough to turn it into a career. But when I apply it to my person life it gets messy. Maybe I shouldn't try to hard to uncover their secrets before they are ready. Maybe I expect too much. I am like everyone else. I try to put my best foot forward, but I also try to be realistic with people too. I tell them I am a pain and I am demanding and smart mouthed and just an all around pain in the ass. But I'm not afriad of who I am. I'm comfortable with it and I still kind of hope that someone out there will discover my good ultimately out weighs my bad. But quite a few other people (or at least the men I attract) think they have to be macho and give this perception that they have it all together. I understand that comes from the pressure society places on males to be the rock everyone leans on and appearing to not have it together would some how make them feel worthless. I understand that to an extent. However, I'm still hoping I will find someone that can rise about all the typical male macho BS and just be able to admit they have vulnerabilities and they are not always the perfect pillar of strength and occasionally they do not have their shit together. Why can't men just admit that? Don't get me wrong, I know there are some out there. They are just not the ones I seem to attract. I have been told and even told myself a million times I need someone older, who has it together (at least on some level, no one's perfect), and is ready for a head strong red head and will see through the stubborness and teach me things. Someone who I can learn from and they can learn from me. Not someone who clings to me like a child and who forces me to continually lead the charge. I attract weak men. Not the strong, independent, confident (NOT cocky) kind I want. But how do you fix that? How do you force yourself to change something that seems to be so innate? To be honest I am insanely tired of worrying about it and am daily becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of just being alone. I'm good alone. I'm comfortable with it and have a better outlook on life when I am alone. When I am in a relationship I feel suffocated and panicky almost immediately. I get short tempered and impatient. I don't like who I am when I am involved with someone. I would like to think eventually when I find the right person, that won't be the case. I will find someone who brings out the best in me. But there is an ever growing larger part of me that believes that is a fairy tale.

Life is sucking ass at the moment. And so soon into a brand new year. Let's hope this week is not an indicator of the months to come. I have had to rely on some people for some assistance in the last few weeks. Not for anything over the top like financial assistance or anything. Things somewhat simpler like watching my animals while I am out of town. Honestly, my dogs are very easy to care for. They are snugglers and require some attention, but are not total attention whores. Three trips out to go potty a day and a little food and they are good to go. You would think this would not be too terribly much to ask. Especially for people that live VERY close (like directly across the street) or for someone that can even stay at your place while they dog sit. But no, this apparently is too much to ask for those I have chosen to involve in my life during my (hopefully short) stay in Nashville. To be quite honest with you, I fucking HATE having to ask anyone for anything. I am a pretty prideful person and to have to rely on someone else for even something simpler that requires very little like picking me up from the airport, bugs the shit out of me. Over the last few months I have had to call on the assistance of others to watch my dogs as I have traveled a great deal. And it has sucked every single freaking time. Those are my babies and it totally blows knowing your pathetic excuse for "friends" (I use the term loosely for those I have met in TN) are too big of douche bags to even let my littlest one out of her crate for more than an hour a day. One of the people I asked I can somewhat understand as she is not a self professed animal lover. However, the other claims to be and is in fact getting one of his own very soon. But apparently he is too big of a self centered asshole to bother helping me out this one time. I have never asked him to watch them before and I certainly never will again. I was supposed to be out of town until Sunday, but upon discovering my little one gets one hour a day out of her crate to eat and drink and run, I will have to cut my trip short and return home tomorrow evening. Having to rely on others for assistance sucks ass and makes you want to move back to where you are surrounded by real people, real friends, that treat your most precious possessions with the same care and concern you would yourself. I hope you read this and learn I think you are a total douche bag peckerhead and this fake shell of a friendship is over.