Superfluous Baloney

I am supposed to be heading up to the third floor right now to talk with a "colleague" about something she stated was "personal." I use the quotes because I struggle with considering this person a colleague. She is older than me and is a Director. Older, wiser, higher and better paid. I am intimidated. Why would this person want to talk to me about something personal? One could argue that it's my job. Because it is. But when I think about it in my brain I wonder, "What could I possibly to do to help this professional? I'm just a big, immature dork in a grown up body." It makes me feel inept, intimidated and just all around awkward.

I have quite a few people in my life both professionally and personally who come to me for advice. Most often I don't mind it. I enjoy being someone who can support others. It makes me feel important I guess and everyone has an ego to feed despite our efforts to prove otherwise. I believe I have a decent ability to be reasonable and apply logic to issues surrounding others. I think I have a knack for providing incite into the human psyche. And again, I like that people lean on me.

But sometimes, like today, it makes me nervous. Despite my initial reaction of, "Omg, what have I done wrong that they would want to talk with me about?" (Paranoid much? Yes. Completely.) My second response is to think, "But why would you want to tell me about that? Don't you want to tell someone who has it together more? Someone who makes sense and doesn't have such a messy life? Someone who has it 'together'?" I don't know who that would be, but surely there is a better option than me?

Recently even a few recent additions to my life has begun to lean on me for advice and maybe just an occasional rant session. I can't help but to take a step back and wonder at their ability to show a little vulnerability and dependency with someone that really don't know all that well. I struggle with relying on people I have known half my life. Maybe I envy them that. It just seems like individuals that I would consider leaning on back tend to somewhat be unreliable themselves. They seem fickle with their emotions. One minute calling me incessantly and the next telling me I am worthless. (I know, I don't have suck great taste.) The ones that I would really like to reach out to and form a bond, maybe rely on a bit, make it impossible to do so. They seem to only call with the purpose of venting their own frustrations and even, on occasion taking those frustrations out on me. Some seem to forget I am human too. Maybe I would like a chance to talk about something I could use a different perspective on. Or maybe I would just like to vent for awhile about something that has been bothering me. But there doesn't seem much time for that. There seems to only be time for them. And on occasion, when it seems to dawn on them that I may actually have a life beyond the scope of their telephone calls and life issues, they will make a half-hearted attempt at inquiring about me. But it seems to feel just like that, half hearted and somewhat insincere. I also can't help but feel like they seem to have enough of their own issues going on so why burden them with mine as well? What could they possible do or say that would help? And what if I did reveal something about me, some weakness or vulnerability and it made me weak in their eyes?

I know this is all paranoia trapped in my own brain, but despite how illogical it may all sound, it is what I feel. I know it probably sounds like silly insecure fear, but when those you have exposed yourself to have proven to be unworthy or unreliable or have even used it later to throw in your face, you can tend to get a little uneasy with it.

Speaking of vulnerabilities, I am also struggling with some of these people discovering some of my weaknesses, my personality flaws, and using them against me. I guess they think because I don't mind listening to them and providing advice that I should also be perfect and never make a mistake. I do make mistakes and I do say and do the wrong things at inappropriate times. I have no problem with people pointing this out to me, but what can you do when they don't just point them out, but also rub your nose good and hard in it. And then, when you attempt to apologize for your faux pas and the resulting hurt feelings, they won't allow you. I know what most people who say, "Drop that person on their ear and walk away." But it feels horrible to have hurt someone's feelings (especially when it was unintentional) and then when they don't let you apologize or tell you you aren't really sorry? Nothing like kicking a girl when she's down.

I am not perfect, not even close. Not by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think I try hard not to hurt people's feelings. To be accused of the opposite is hurtful and disheartening. It makes me want to crawl in a corner and lick my wounds until it all goes away. That's exactly what I did all weekend and plan on continuing to do so for the rest of the week. I've managed to put on a brave face at work and no one around me is none the wiser, but on the inside it's still there. A hard knot in the back of my throat and a faint nagging in the back of my mind. I have tried very hard to stay busy so I don't have time to hear it or feel it. But everyone has to slow down now and again and it comes back with a vengeance.

I just wish, every once in awhile, I would get a break and a chance at not being perfect. A chance to apologize for my flaws and an opportunity to do better. Apparently the forgiveness I have extended on so many occasions is not reciprocal. Apparently I am not allowed to be weak and flawed on ocassion. My job is to be strong , sympathetic and wise. While everyone else can be vulnerable and dependable. No wonder I have learned to be self sufficient at consoling myself and healing my own wounds. Who the hell would want to do it for me?

This has probably made no sense and reads like one long ramble, but this is what has been eating up my brain all weekend and maybe now with it out I can just let it die.