Superfluous Baloney

I've known I was moving for three weeks now...did I pack a box a night in anticipation? Did I throw one item in one box each night? Did I even think about getting a box to throw one item in each night? Nuh uh. Why? Because I'm a procrastinatorrrrrrrrr. Now, here I am less than 48 hours away from ideally being squared away in my new pad and I have maybe 1/4 of my apartment packed up. Ug. Ick. Barf. My problem is I don't want to do it all alone this go 'round. Quite frankly, it's more than a little overwhelming to even look at doing alone. Yet, I have no choice here. Sure a few people here and there offered some assistance, but being my little stubborn self, I refused it. I shouldn't really say it was out of stubbornness that I refused the assistance, it was more out of some sick selfless desire not to inconvenience anyone else. I have literally moved myself (ALL by myself) halfway across the country. It wasn't easy and about the 35th trip from the house to the Uhaul with only one box at a time I was ready to sit down in the middle of the front yard and just cry. Yet, crying would still not get the rest of my belongings in the lovely little orange and silver aluminum trailer I had rented. Thus there was no crying. Just a whole lot of cussing in the mid July humidity of Kansas City. And sweating. Lots and lots and lots of sweating. I imagine there will eventually be lots and lots of sweating and ample amounts of accompanying cussing this go 'round as well. However, so far there has just been a whole lot of procrastinating and a smidgen of drinking as well. (I some how managed to convince myself a concoction of vanilla vodka and Diet Dr. Pepper would help to properly motivate me and after drinking said concoction I would become some super motivated version of my former myself. Although very, very tasty, I cannot say I am feeling all that super, at least not about moving.) One would think by this stage in the game I would really be able to get my shit together when it comes to transporting all of my worldly possessions from one locale to another. Seeing as I am literally 20+ moves in (over the last ten years) thus far (nope, no end in sight as of yet), including three halfway across the country adventures, one would think I would have this shit organized down to a tee. Yet, here I sit after only packing up 3/4 of the kitchen and some knick knacks in the living room, just typing away at a little ole post that will inevitably provide yet another avenue for my never ending excuses for procrastination. Seriously. Someone save me from myself. Just don't take the vanilla vodka away. No one deserves that kind of cruelty.

If I were a beginning, I would be… coy, intriguing, curious.
If I were a month, I would be… July. In your face, blazing hot heat - you either love it or hate it.
If I were a time of day, I would be… sunset, a little different every day.
If I were a planet, I would be… Mercury, small but fiery.
If I were a season, I would be… Summer, warm, relaxed, lazy.
If I were a sea animal, I would be… That fish that throws up its insides to distract its predators so it can escape.
If I were a direction, I would be… Left.
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be… a rocking chair.
If I were a sin, I would be… Pride, I tend to have too much of it which also manifests itself in the form of stubbornness.
If I were a liquid, I would be… Vodka, better when mixed with something sweet.
If I were a scare, I would be… A quiet whisper in an empty room.
If I were a gem, I would be… an Opal, changes in the light.
If I were a flower/plant, I would be… a Gerber daisy, bright, perky, but not pretentious.
If I were a kind of weather, I would be… Sunny and warm, 80 degrees.
If I were a musical instrument, I would be… Drums, the foundation for every good beat.
If I were an animal, I would be…A Spider Monkey. Small, smart and a little squirrely.
If I were an emotion, I would be… contentment
If I were a vegetable, I would be…an Artichoke, not sure if you like 'em unless you've tried 'em and even then it's a little iffy.
If I were a sound, I would be… laughter
If I were an element, I would be… fire - if you keep your distance it warms you nicely, if you get to close it'll burn the hell out of you.
If I were a car, I would be… A Corvette Stingray
If I were a song, I would be… something with a heavy beat that makes you wanna shake it.
If I were a food, I would be… Mac n Cheese - old school comfort food.
If I were a place, I would be… That one hidden quiet spot at the park located in the middle of the city.
If I were a material, I would be… Cotton knit - like T-shirt material.
If I were a taste, I would be… acquired
If I were a scent, I would be… light, sweet and subtle - like orange blossoms
If I were a religion, I would be… ancient
If I were a facial expression, I would be… a suggestive smile
If I were a subject in school, I would be... history, can't figure out where we're going if we don't know where we've been.
If I were a shape, I would be… An hourglass (like Martha) nicely curved.
If I were a colour, I would be... Pink, can be both bold and subtle.
If I were a thing, I would be… a pair of really cute red wedged sandals (like these)
If I were a book, I would be… a fun, fantasy kind of story with humorous observations about life and people.
If I were an artist, I would be… I honestly don't have any idea, I am horribly not artistic.
If I were a collection of poems, I would be… simple yet eloquent like Emily Dickinson's work.
If I were a landmass, I would be… A soft rolling hill.
If I were a watch, I would be… always running behind.
If I were a vowel, I would be… I, a word unto itself.
If I were a consonant, I would be… S
If I were a theory, I would be… The Big Bang, kind of silly, but never completely discounted.
If I were a famous person, I would be… kind of like Sandra Bullock - down to earth.
If I were an item of electronic equipment, I would be… a cell phone - a necessary evil.
If I were a sport, I would be… football, lots of sweat and raw, brute force.
If I were a movie, I would be… an Adam Sandler flick.
If I were a cartoon, I would be… Cinderella. I've wanted to be Cinderella since I was five.
If I were an explorer, I would be… Lewis and/or Clark.
If I were a scientist, I would be… a crappy one.
If I were a relation, I would be… the favorite aunt.
If I were a river, I would be… the Mississippi.
If I were intoxication, I would be… drunk?
If I were alone, I would be… just fine.
If I were a question, I would be… open ended.
If I were a habit, I would be… one you wouldn't want to break.
If I were in an atom, I would be… volatile.
If I were you, I would be… not me.

Why can’t a girl have a simple mental breakdown at work without being interrupted? Is it just too much to ask for a little time to melt into a puddle at the base of your desk chair or curl yourself into the fetal position under your desk without having the phone ring eight times and 45 email notifications pop up? Can’t I just stare blankly at my computer screen with drool dripping from my chin without someone coming over and bitching about their piddly ass fucking bullshit work? Look here people, this is my fucking moment to have a nervous breakdown. My five whole minutes to panic and feel like I might lose it completely and go postal on my laptop, phone, blackberry and a few choice coworkers. Why can’t a girl get an office with an actual fucking door so she can enjoy a little peace and quiet before she throws her monitor out the window? I know I put up a good front, but for fuck sake I have a right to lose it once in awhile too so scamper along and let me get to it before I start ripping the hair out of this poor little head.