Superfluous Baloney

Last Saturday night started with watching the UFC Match on a big screen at a sports bar with a new friend. I hadn't eaten much during the day, nor drank much and had spent a good two hours laying out by the pool in the warm Memorial Day weekend heat. The heat tends to decrease my appetite significantly so it did not strike me as an issue that I was not feeling very hungry. Thus, off I went to the bar to watch the match(es). Most of the matches leading up to the main event were decent, but everyone was there for only one reason: Liddell vs. Rampage. If any of you caught the match I am sure you were equally as disappointed as myself. Rampage won after less than half a round of fighting. Total and complete BS. Liddell's only unavenged loss and he fucking losses in less than one round. Disgraceful I tell you, but I digress. After the insane disappoint of the UFC we decided to head to downtown Nashville to help distance ourselves from the distasteful memory of Liddell lying flat on the mat after only 1 minute and 53 seconds of action. (Bitter, party of one please.) We ended up at a club I have been to several times. It has four floors of dance club action. We typically stay on the 2nd floor as it tends to be less crowded and much. much cooler this time of year. But I still like to wiggle (literally) my way around the third floor once or twice through out the evening just to check it out as that tends to be wear you see the craziest whacked out club goers. When I say wiggle, I mean wiggle. It is wall to wall people dancing, grinding and shaking everything they can right on top of each other. The summer evening temperatures along with the natural way heat rises in buildings combined with all that body heat makes for a suffocating environment. I know, I know...so why do I even bother going up there? Because it's fun. The same way running naked through a leech filled lake is fun. After once around the third floor we decided we would head up to the roof/patio area to cool off for a minute. The roof over looks the Cumberland River and parts of downtown Nashville. It makes for a nice reprieve from the stifling heat of the third floor. By this point I had still only had one drink and one very small, fruity shot. Let's keep in mind what I mentioned in my opening paragraph here: I had hardly eaten all day, nor drank much in the department of fluids and it was hot, hot, hot. Rest assured, I'm no light weight drinker. I mean, for crying out loud, I'm German and Irish. I was bred to consume alcohol and in large quantities. Got it? Okay, back to the story. We're standing there watching a small patch of fog creep over the top of the black river below, the cool night breeze hitting the drops of sweat dripping down the small of my back. We turn and look at each other, probably about 10 inches apart and are talking casually about total BS I'm sure as I am nothing but BS when out at a club. Suddenly I feel a little dizzy. Just slightly like when your buzz is first starting to sink in. Literally ten seconds later I'm being pulled up on the ground by my friend. I fainted. ME. Miss model of health and vitality fainted. Crumbled like a little wilting flower in the humid southern heat. Like some kind of Scarlett O'Hara attention whore. Ick. All I remember is talking, the faint feeling of dizziness and being picked up off the ground. It was such a disconcerting feeling. I only paused a moment after being pulled up off the ground to try and gain my bearings again before asking to head back downstairs to the air conditioned (and notably less crowded) second floor. Once down there I felt better physically, but emotionally and mentally still felt very out of whack. First of all the "friend" I was with was someone I have only known a week or two. Secondly, I have never, ever, ever had anything like that happen before and most definitely not in a very crowded night club on a Saturday night. I felt so freakin girlie and vulnerable. It was horrible and made me want to crawl out of my skin. Luckily I recovered quickly by downing another Grey Goose and Cranberry and dancing a song or two on the dance floor. Kind of like a guy that gets pummeled on the football field and then immediately jumps up and goes and crushes his chest into another player's just to prove he's fine even though his nuts now reside in his throat. After an hour or two and another drink or three the fainting spell quickly became just a funny story to reiterate to friends, family and coworkers for the rest of the weekend/week. But it still sucked and I still smile that "Oh my Lord, I'm such a geekwad" smile whenever I tell it (and I'm sure if you look close enough you can see the red tint of embarrassment return to my cheeks a little too). Oh well, at the very least it has helped me to forgive my dear friend Liddell since we both wilted in public like little pansies that night.

Things I have to be happy about currently (I guess I'm into bullets this week):

• I get an idea in my head and I don't stop until I've accomplished it, unless I find a new one I like better that distracts me away. About a week ago I decided I was going to move. I currently am 43 miles from work which equates to a little over an hour drive when traffic is factored in. I drive a gas guzzling SUV and with the lovely way the gasoline market is these days we all know what that means. I spend a freaking ridiculous amount of money each month just simply commuting back and forth to work. Thus, I decided one week ago it was time to pick up my shit and move closer. I move like people change underwear. The gypsy gene runs deep and has ultimately lead me through 20+ moves in the last ten years (three of which were 1500 miles or more. Yes, I smoke crack and lots of it.). So I get it in my head I am going to pack it all up and move closer to work because the commute just sucks my will to live on a daily basis. Within two days I have concocted a plan to break my current lease penalty free and begin scoping out new places to live. The day after that I have identified said place and no less than 24 hours have signed a new lease which will place me exactly 10.2 miles from work. I am beyond excited as the new homestead is also in a much ritzier part of town, only 15 minutes from the city, has amazing amenities and is only $60 more a month while equating to around $200+ a month in savings on gasoline. Check that one off the list. (Now I just have to get my little rumpus in gear and actually start packing.)

• I've been busting my ass at work and the last few weeks people, the right people, have really started to take notice. This is insanely exciting for me as I know I work very hard, but I also enjoy what I do. And to have people very high up in the company take notice of that makes me ecstatic.

• I took today off and slept 11 hours last night. That's right, don't hate.

• I'm now officially down 4 dress sizes from 7 months ago.

• I'm going to spend the afternoon lounging by the pool.

• I'm going to an arena football game tonight with someone that makes me insanely nervous and excited all at the same time. I haven't allowed myself to feel nervous around someone in a very, very long time. I had forgotten how good it feels., but am really enjoying this new reminder. Football + good company = a great start to an awesome three day weekend.

These are just a few bits I have picked up over the last year that not only make me laugh, but also ring quite true:

• Never believe a condom will protect your heart.

• Dangle that carrot in front of someone long enough and eventually they will acquire a taste for potatoes. (Props to my friend Jerod for that one.)

• Stop worrying about how green everyone else's grass is and just take care of your own goddamn grass.

• Don't settle for being a side item when you know you were born to be the main dish.

In no particular order:

1.) Dogs - Although I love all animals, dogs are really my favorite. There is nothing better than their loyalty and enthusiasm. The are so utterly devoted to you, it truly is unconditional love. My little one is always happy to see me, cuddles with me every night, keeps me company on road trips and she even runs boring errands with me on the weekend and is beyond excited about it. I just absolutely adore everything about them (her in particular:).

2) Dancing!! - I started doing ballet when I was three years old. I stuck with it until I was 14 years old and even mixed in a little jazz and tap here and there. Although I don't take any kind of formal dance lessons anymore I still love any kind of dancing. Whether it's ballroom and just shakin' my moneymaker at a club, it doesn't matter, I like all of it. Thankfully I was blessed with decent rhythym so I don't struggle much with club music. And I can learn steps quickly so that helps with the more traditional styles. My next goal is to get back into lessons of some sort., most likely ballroom because those are the easiest to find.

3) Men - Now, now. Not for the obvious reasons you might think. I love men because they intrigue me. I know women, I know what makes them tick - I get them. Because why? Yesssss, because I am one, riiiiiiiiight. But men are so very, very different. They have these complex egos and mostly because of societal pressures, feel they have to put on these tough fronts that make them appear prideful and on occasion, arrogant. But when you peel all that away there is so much going on in there, so many complexities. (Well, at least for some anyway. I suppose there are quite a few that truly are just one big ego.) I have a few close male friends that are the best. They bring completely different perspectives to my life and help to keep me in check. We have awesome conversations that are completely different from ones I have with female friends.

4) Old Musicals - Especially ones with Gene Kelly. I love the glamor and grace from that time period. My absolute favorite is probably Singin' In the Rain. I've loved those old school movies (Guys and Dolls, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, My Fair Lady, etc.) since I was very little and I've never out grown it.

5) Shoes - Okay, time to get super girlie here. I absolutely love, love, love shoes. I am a big fan of heels in particular, but really any shoes. Chunky wedges, stilettos, sandals, flip flops...my mouth is watering just thinking about it...

This is Rosalee...what a face huh?

I bought an iPod Nano last week. Stating I was very excited about the purchase would be a bit of an understatement. After clicking the purchase button on my laptop it dawned on me that is the most I have ever spent on a single object for myself. I even had it engraved on the back with my name. It arrived yesterday and I have to say I am already in love. However, I have yet to purchase any tuneage from iTunes. There are SO many choices! I'm overwhelmed by the selection to say the least. So I am enlisting (begging?) for ALL of your help! I need you to assist me in the official christening of the iPod by recommending two songs that you feel every gal should have on her iPod. Please, please, please throw a girl a bone and get me heading in the right direction.

Kings of Leon - On Call

Sick Puppies - All The Same

Jack's Mannequin - Dark Blue

The View - Same Jeans

A rare commodity that just might get a whole lot rarer. Better stake your claim in one now before supply and demand takes effect...;)

The Last of the Redheads?

Heart is thumping as if I am in the process of sprinting a 50 yard dash, head is thumping in step with it. The blood rushes through every ounce of my being making me painfully aware of every movement I make leaving me feeling as graceful as a Labrador puppy on an ice covered pond. My thoughts race with a thousand details but the go by in a blur, indistinguishable from one another. How can I have a somewhat intelligent conversation if I can’t think over the pounding of my heart and the stampede of thoughts colliding into one another in my head? What happened? Where is the calm, cool, collected, witty redhead my friends and relatives love? Who is this awkward feeling girl, ready to crawl out of her skin? What to do when one identifies the beast lurking within… We can’t beat them into submission without first understanding what makes them tick. I don’t think I was 100% prepared to handle the enlightenment, if you will, that comes with that kind of knowledge. The painful conscientiousness that transcends and brings the beast to the light, ripped out of the shadows, where you can see every facet of their debilitating existence. But even laying there exposed under the glare of light, it still evokes fear, uneasiness, anxiety. It lies there exposed, the “issues” or “baggage” pooled at its feet. Now I can see them, every fiber of my being painfully aware of its existence. Now what? What do you do with it now? How are you to rid yourself of such a parasite? My only option is to begin by dissecting them, analyzing each and every cell under a microscope scrutinizing every aspect, angle, characteristic and until I have memorized every facet and thoroughly understand how they manifest themselves daily and infect my interactions. I want to know, feel, when they are lurking under the surface. I want to be able to anticipate attacks and be prepared with counteractive measures. But I’m not there yet. My dissection has merely begun and yet you are here now. I feel so unprepared and exposed. I have the knowledge of the past sabotage, but not yet the ability to fight it off. But there you are. How can I turn away? You are so intriguing to me, so different from me in several ways, yet similar as well. Paralleled experiences, yet also many perpendicular. Me, tattooed, red headed, mouthy, cursing, blunt, liberal, experienced…me. You, clean cut, conservative, polite, considerate, naive, hairless, innocent…you. The beast could chew you up and spit you out and move on to it’s next lean cuisine without a thought. I am only aware of its presence now, but not how to tame it, quiet it, restrain it. What if it takes hold and won’t let go and you get caught up in its path? The thought of it, the mere knowledge of its existence is what is causing the racing of my heart and the pounding of the blood rushing through my brain. It was okay before, when I didn’t acknowledge its existence. I could sense it lurking, I felt its presence, but leaving it unacknowledged was better. I feared it, but I also wanted it. It protected me in many ways yet it also enslaved me. But now. Now. Now, things have changed. I have changed. Once a faithful servant, who knew nothing but submission to its power, I somehow managed along the way to catch a glimpse of another existence, a more evolved existence grounded in hope. The hope of what could be, however, brought with it the fear of staying imprisoned by it. I am aware now and I have hope and fear. I have begun to fear it more than I fear you. I fear the hurt it can cause you more than the hurt you could cause me. To not only curtail old habits, thoughts, emotions, ones that have been intricately woven into your fiber, takes analysis, effort and time. But here you are, now. I wasn’t prepared for a battle so soon. I wanted to gather my resources and plot and plan and ponder. I have no choice but to engage the inner war residing in my head now. Thrash through the impulse to flee and just stand and cope, deal, weather the storm and a million other clichés. So here I am standing, dealing, fighting the internal battle writhing in my mind, crawling under my skin, ignoring the sometimes deafening inner screams telling me to run as far and as fast as I can. I won today and I will fight hard tomorrow just the same. I might lose a battle here and there, but ultimately I will succeed and although it may never fade away completely, it will at the very least be restrained.

I have had quite a day. Honestly, I am PMSing like nobody's business and I got very little sleep last night. That combination on top of my current responsibilities at work stressing me pretty bad I am just fried. On that note...this is a rant. I haven't gone off about anything in a very long time, so here goes nothing: I am so sick of these fucking walking, talking male egos at work. These mother fuckers think that just because they have some five dollar title tacked on to their email signature they can treat me like a second class citizen. Because I am a lowly little manager and in HR no less. automatically I am incapable of thinking at their level. Couple that with the fact that I am a female and I might as well just walk around with a shirt that reads, "Fucktard" across it. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, professional (at work only :P), and easy to get along with. But I don't appreciate being labeled and disrespected before they even know what I am about. I have to work on this special project at work with the Senior VP of HR and the CFO of the company. Through that project I have to work with all of the company's Regional VPs and Directors. So many of them are such complete douche bags. Why would you automatically assume I must be a complete fucking moron before you ever even spoken to me? How can you be so insecure with who you are that you feel the need to belittle people who are just trying to do their job? I just don't understand how people can be so fucking egotistical. I get that you don't agree with what I have been assigned to do. That's fine, but why not take out your frustrations and voice your concerns with the people who are driving it, not the person who is just trying to do what she is told? They can take their delicate male egos and shove them up their asses because I am tired of dealing with them. Also at work is a pain in the ass 24 year old chick who is one of the moodiest people I have EVER met. I get that everybody has bad days where just are not very productive and spend the majority of our time whining and bitching. Shit, I have those days at least once a month. But when those days begin to occur more often then the good days you need to get on some fucking meds or something. Or at least keep that shit to yourself, don't infect the entire office with your nasty mood. And don't you dare sit over there in your cubicle with your fucking thumb up your ass while I am busting mine all day. She comes in late, she leaves early and when she is there she does half of what she should be doing. I needed her to handle one thing for me today and she couldn't do it. I am about came unglued she pissed me off so bad. I am hardly ever honestly upset about anything at work these days. But today I could have choked the shit out of someone. She bitches about how much money she makes all the time and is always talking about how she wants to move up. Yet she hardly does anything all day and what she does do she half asses. Gee, I'm sure that promotion is coming any day sweetheart. I'm tired of having to clean up after you and do your job on top of my own. If anything you should have to take some of the shit off me. But your so busy bitching about how underpaid you are you can't be bothered with actually performing your job duties. Well, I got a news flash for you, keep it up and I will make it my number one goal in life to see your ass fired. Grow the fuck up.