Superfluous Baloney

I went out on a date last night. Frankly, I am a completely worthless human being on Friday nights. I am typically so exhausted both physically and mentally from the week that I tend to be about as entertaining as an earthworm. Couple that with my complete lack of interest in dating these days and I make for one sorry ass kick-off-the-weekend companion. I entertained thoughts of blowing the poor lad off completely when he sent me a text message at 5:30pm asking if we were still on for dinner. I could have just simply not replied and he could have taken that to mean, "Nope, I'm flakin'." However, I still went out because karma scares the shit out of me. That's right, I do the right thing not because I am a morally centered person, but because I am afraid of karma kicking the shit out of me later. My fear of cosmic repercussions has significantly heightened since I removed myself from my last long term commitment. I have myself 100% convinced if I blow someone off, tell a little white lie to escape a date, not return a phone call or a text, the moral scales of the universe that balance good and evil directly attached to little ole me will become horribly unbalanced. In my little f'ed up head, the only way to rebalance the scales is obviously for karma to come back around and kick me right back in the arse in the same manner in which I kicked the other person. Meaning someone I had made plans with and was excited about seeing, would ultimately flake on me. And that just completely blows. Thus, I went out on my date simply to avoid being added to the universe's karmic hitlist. Well, that and the fact that the poor guy is being shipped off to Iraq next week for 15 straight months. So, let's chalk it up to karmic revenge and a deep sense of patriotism. (Riiiiiiiiight ;p)

After putting absolutely minimal effort into getting ready, I headed to the restaurant/bar where we had agreed to meet. Parking was a complete nightmare and I had not chosen the most comfortable footwear (please see picture for example). It was also pretty damn chilly last night for being practically May, so by the time I had made my way to the front door I was now in a notably chipper mood. But I still managed to put on a happy face for the sake of the security of our country. (I know what you are thinking, "But Angel, why would you go on a date with someone that is leaving the country in one week and will be gone for over a year, unless Congress gets their way but this is hardly the time for a political tangent...?" Because one could not create a more pleasing, pressure free kind of scenario for a dedicated commitment phobe such as I, silly rabbits. Now stop psycho analyzing me and pay attention dammit, I'm trying to tell a story here.)

Fake beauty queen/cheerleader smile plastered across my face I open the door to meet him. If nothing else, he was cuter than I remembered him. The hostesses (if you could call three 20 year olds clustered together around a podium like a gaggle of geese with multiple layers of black eyeliner and the least bit of interest in restaurant patrons, hostesses) took our name and a few minutes later one of them managed to rip herself away from the other two and led us to a table in a back room. The only redeemable attribute of the location of the table she sled us toward was the large flat screen television directly facing it, which some saint had set to ESPN. I, of course, took the seat that faced the TV. I ordered a Redbull and Vodka to try and perk my sorry ass up and then perused the menu. I managed to keep the conversation flowing with my secret reserve of date questions. They are the type of questions that require more than a simple yes or no and tend to keep most men talking for quite some time. This affords me the opportunity to expend the least amount of energy possible while making me appear interested. Not that I am not interested in hearing the answers, I just struggle to intelligently participate in interactive conversations after a long week of work, thus why the question approach can be so appealing. It makes me look like less of a slug and somewhat engaged in the moment. The only time this approach would back fire is if they turned around and asked me the questions back. But interestingly enough, most people don't do that. I have found (through my interviewing experience at work and the ridiculous number of dates I have been dragged on) most people are perfectly comfortable talking about themselves with a captive audience. I happen to be much better at the captive audience listening than the talking about myself (even when I am more perky) so this tends to work out well.

The question asking and response portion lasted most of the meal. At one point the waiter and my date talked at great length about Iraq. Apparently the waiter had been in the Army over there back in 2003 and had some horror stories to tell. That was all fine and well with me as it allowed me to simply watch the boxing match on TV. Unfortunately by the time we wrapped up dinner it was only 10pm and he was still wound for sound while thoughts of my fleece pjs dance through my head. We attempted to come up with something else to do, but in the smaller town I live in there is not a whole lot that goes on, even on the weekends. Most folks head to Nashville for the weekend night scene (I am about 30 minutes south of the big city). Finally because I lacked any other ideas and it did not appear I was going to be able to convince him to call it a night so soon, I just threw out going back to my place. This was not necessarily the most intelligent option, but I was so focused on getting into my pjs at this point it skewed my ability to think rationally.

We went back to my place. As I had at this point given up all attempts at appearing cool and sophisticated, I immediately put on my pjs. We watched Letterman and then the Late late show with that Scottish guy and a few Frasier reruns. I was catching myself nodding off regularly at this point which I thought would be an obvious hint for him to say, "Well, I guess I better go..." Yeah, no such luck. Eventually I gave up even attempting to stay awake and crashed out on the couch. I guess he did the same because when I woke up at 4:30am he was still there. I stood up and noisily headed to the bathroom. Upon my return he was (barely) awake so I said, "I need to get some regular sleep...in my bed." I said it whilst standing to indicate I meant sans him. He finally got the hint and groggily headed to the door. I gave him a nice hug and then dragged my ass to bed.

Is it now blatantly obvious to everyone exactly why I am still single? I don't think I could provide and more Angel-like example...Don't worry I have made a mental pact with myself to never, ever again make date plans on a Friday night. I've decided it is probably not the best idea to tempt karmic scales of the universe again but subjecting yet another member of the male species to my pathetic inability to muster up any more charm than Tom Brokaw on Friday evenings.

It's Saturday and I'm in my bathroom getting ready for a night on the town with the girls. I've just hopped in and back out of the shower, strapped on the push-up and the corresponding low cut shirt and have just begun applying makeup. As I slather on a layer of foundation and eye shadow I hear the sound of screeching tires, not completely out of the ordinary for these parts. I live in a college town only 1 mile from the college. Lots of young punks in their early twenties take corners too fast and squeal their tires, the slathering continues. What in the hell...the screeching is getting louder, as if it is getting closer...BAM!! The sound of impact and the grinding of metal on metal. What the fuck? The eyeshadow applicator drops from my hand and I practically run to my front door. I swing open the heavy wooden interior door and as I place my hand on the glass storm door, I see it. My car, which was once parked perpendicular to my apartment in the space directly in front of my door, is now parallel and halfway across the sidewalk, a mere two feet from my living room window. WHAT IN THE FUCK??? I hear shouts as I open the storm door and head out to assess the damage. I look in the direction they are coming from and see two plain clothed cops, only identifiable by their Kevlar vests, jumping out of an unmarked maroon SUV and running like tri-athletes in the last 50 yards of the run. As I continue to survey the area, completely perplexed by what in the holy hell is going on, I noticed my neighbors one door down and two doors down are also outside now. Then I notice their cars, each one also now parallel to the apartments. By now people are gathering around all of us equally clueless as to what in the fuck just occurred. I walk around the back of my car to assess the inevitable damage. The back on my Nissan Xterra is nicely dented all to hell and the bumper is crumpled and knocked about 12 inches past the side of the car. The only thing I could mutter? "You have got to be shitting me." By now the two plain clothed cops are back, suspect in tow, properly shackled. Apparently the dipshit was on probation and the two plain clothed cops in the unmarked SUV had attempted to pull him over for a traffic violation. The fucker had a bag of dope in the car and a roll of bills, thus one could easily assume his ass was going to jail for a long time if the cops spotted it. So he decides to lead them on a chase which ended after he smashed into my and my neighbors' vehicles, making his own undrivable. So he, ever so intelligently, decided to make a run for it. Unfortunately for him, one of the cops was a very tall, lanky African American gentleman who could (and did) easily overcome him in a foot chase. Dumbass. The bitch of it is I have to file this like a normal traffic accident with my insurance. Which also means I have to cough up my $500 deductible upfront to the body shop before they will repair it. And let me tell you, body shops take their sweet ass time too (I used to date a guy that was a repair tech) and my insurance policy only covers $20 a day on a rental car. You can't get a damn rental car for $20 a day!! So I will be stuck picking up the difference on that as well. I am out all this freaking money because this guy is a total POS, scum of the earth, who some judge just gave probation to instead of locking up. I know that truly jack shit ever happens to me. I tend to make my way through life fairly drama free compared to the bulk of my friends, so I don't have a lot of room to whine and complain about this. But the little room I do have you can bet your ass I'm going to take full advantage of. Actually, I didn't spend too terribly much time sulking over this little incident. Once the police were done taking down all of my info and gave me the little card with the event number I promptly went back into my apartment to finish up the beautifying process which would not require much more work thanks to having to stand outside in the scorching heat of the setting afternoon sun (my apartment faces West) which caused my hair to dry too quickly, my armpits to sweat profusely and my chest to get sunburned. After rewashing the pits, properly fluffing the hair and ignoring the sunburn, I hopped into the car (Yes, thank you God, it was still drivable) to meet up with my friends. In true Angel fashion, an awesome night of dancing my ass off and flirting like a true pro ensued and all was forgotten about my little thug police chase car dilemma. Until I had to meet with the adjuster today that is, but fuck it. What can you do, ya know? (Please keep your fingers crossed that saggy drawers thug boy had no insurance, or that the car was stolen because then my uninsured motorist coverage kicks in at a $200 deductible, rather than my normal $500. Yes, I know there are more important things going on in this world to cross your fingers about, but you have ten for crying out loud so surely you can spare an extra set to cross for little ole me. :)

Talented and gorgeous...

Below is an email exchange between a good friend and myself that went back and forth all day today. We started out in our typical sarcastic banter, but the topic quickly switched gears and turned to the horrific events surrounding the most recent act of random violence that has, once again, rocked our society to its core. It was awesome to be able to dissect this incident with an intelligent, open minded person, who respects my opinion and doesn't automatically discount everything I say. I haven't had that in awhile and quite frankly, it was awesome and reaffirmed my decision to try harder to find someone I can relate to not only emotionally and physically, but also intellectually as well. Just as a little disclaimer, my point in posting this conversation is not to insinuate I or my friend have all the answers to finding a way to avoid such acts of violence as the one that occurred at Virginia Tech this week. My intention is to simply show that people everywhere are talking about this incident. Maybe if enough of us talk about it, analyze it our talking will turn to action and we can collectively, as a society take a stand against the contributing factors that play a part in such an act. ME, HIM, My commentary...

Thoughts on this V-Tech craziness? I guess they know who did it now. I wonder if they will ever figure out why he did it? I suppose eventually they will be able to piece something together.

He was from South Korea for starters, thus I say NO MORE IMMIGRANTS. Period. Ever.He was a loner, girlfriend (the first person he killed) broke up with him…I am so never ever dating again. At least not loner guys from South Korea…(It is often a struggle to get me to be serious about anything other than work...)

(But then, I just hunker down and let the somberness overcome me...)Quite frankly it ticks me off beyond belief. They say getting over the death of a child is probably the hardest thing to overcome. Getting over the loss of a child as a result of some random act of violence I imagine would be about 10xs harder. Those are the people I think of, the survivors from a tragedy like this. And all those other students that witnessed it. How are they supposed to overcome a trauma like this? Selfish POS that guy was and a total coward since he killed himself afterward.

Don’t worry, I have it covered. I already emailed Bush and he is planning to attack South Korea immediately. I also have him working on bombing Colorado because we never did get back at those Coloradoans for those Columbine shootings a few years back. I blame Don Imus mostly. (Friend struggles to be serious at times too, that's why I heart him.) Seriously though, it surprises me that this doesn’t happen more often. There are a lot of wackos out there and as soon as something like this happens it is all over the news and that person’s name is forever remembered.

I guess I am more surprised that it happens at all. Yes, I understand the world if full of crazy people, yet most of us make it through each day without going postal on someone. What causes these freaks of nature to snap like that? What in the world in the mind tells them this is the answer? Or their only option or whatever justification the come up with in their sick little heads? I guess that is a standard reaction from a sane person, we want to know why. And we will never know because we are sane and therefore cannot understand the thinking of some whack job. What is even more frustrating is there is nothing we can do about it. These people will continue to pop up and do these stupid violent things and we can’t do anything about it without jeopardizing everyone else’s civil liberties. Amazingly annoying. So we have to continue down the current path, arresting 8 year olds that threaten other children on the playground and forcing kindergarteners through metal detectors, and placing our lotion and lipstick in little plastic baggies as we trudge through the security checks at the airport.

I’m sure a psychologist would give you all kinds of reasons why people snap and do crazy things like this but I am not a psychologist and have very little background in that area other than Psych 101 taken as a freshman in college too many years ago to remember. Instead, I ask other questions…why is it that it is nearly always men that do this sort of thing and not women? Is a wacko who brutally murders one other person truly any better or any different than one who murders 32? Why is it that this sort of thing happens more in the good ‘ol USA than in any other industrialized country? Could it have anything to do with the fact that we as a society has “legitimized” and “legalized” murder in so many other ways (capital punishment, open attacks of and going to war with other countries, abortion, etc) that in many people’s minds (some crazy, some maybe not) this is just taking the next logical step? Is possibly the question we truly need to answer is what gets people to the point where they can somehow understand this type of reaction to any type of situation at all? Because once society can conceptualize possible reasons for it, doesn’t that bring us one step closer to committing the act?

I read a really interesting article in Newsweek a couple months ago about the Amish community where the schoolchildren were killed last year. Remember them, where the gunman went into the school and shot a few kids and then himself? The article talked about the Amish community and everything they went through and yet the overwhelming feeling of forgiveness that they portrayed to this man and his family. That entire Amish community completely forgave that man from the start. Did you know that they setup a fund for this man’s family and of all the donations the Amish community received from across the country, that a portion of them went to his family? Or that he invited his family to the funerals of those children? It was almost impossible for me to comprehend that type of forgiveness. I remember when I lived in Lincoln and they would have executions at the state prison and on the news they would show friends and family (and many times those who were of no relation at all) of the person that the soon-to-be-executed had killed and they would be cheering and holding up signs, counting down the minutes until the person was put to death. Sound at all like persons who may be part of a society where an enraged husband kills his spouse in cold blood or perhaps even an enrage gunman goes on a shooting spree in what was once a quiet college town?

Actually, when I heard about this shooting yesterday morning and the incident at the Amish schoolhouse was the first thing that came to my mind. Once I realized how angry I was over it I remembered that community openly announcing their forgiveness of the man and what he did. However, I wonder how much of that was just played up because of the media involvement. Yes, I know that through their faith, Amish people can be very forgiving and understanding , but I wonder how many truly forgave him. And how many just said they did because it was required of them if they did not want to be viewed as an outsider in their close knit, oppressive society confines. If they all did, in their hearts, forgive the man then God Bless them because they are a much bigger person than I could ever hope to become.

I believe the bottom line is hate breeds hate, murder breeds murder, crime breeds crime. I do think this nation in particular has became amazingly desensitized to violence after witnessing it day in and day out through the media and even video games to an extent. I’m not one that gets wound up much about the impact of violence on television or people taking video games too seriously, but I do think the whole “desensitization” argument is starting to gain some momentum in light of events like these.

So back to my initial point: I blame Don Imus. He is the one who started this whole thing!! (Friend is still struggling to stay serious, we both suffer from this condition regularly.)

I guess I can’t for sure if they truly forgave him or not. I think the concept though is quite appealing. And I like to think that they did forgive him. And I like to think or at least hope that if I were in the same situation that I would do the same. Maybe not right away but eventually. Because I do believe that is the only way to get over something like that. I actually wrote a research paper in college on the media and television/video game/etc violence and the effect it has on children. I can’t remember all the details but I do remember the main conclusion I came to was that it effects different people in different ways but the overall effects are definitely damaging to society as a whole. The gray area is how much do you try to regulate while still allowing that wonderful little perk of living in the good ‘ol USA called free speech. Maybe the real question is why do we as a society feel the need to create such types of “entertainment” in the first place? Reminds me of a Jack Johnson song that has always been one of my favorites "Cookie Jar."

I agree about how it affects different people in various ways. And I mean that kid was from South Korea, not to be stereotypical, but how do we even know if he was influenced at all by our media? They create it because we all buy it. Until we stop buying it they will continue to create it. Just like the bad stuff they put in aerosol products that eat the ozone layer. They keep making it because woman stuck in the 60s with their beehives still buy it. And Texas beauty queens…they buy it too. (Oops...slipping, slipping, slipping back to the humor.)Yes, I would like to think they truly forgave him as well and I agree that is the only true way to be free of the confines the grief inflicts on the families of the victims. But good LORD would that be one of the hardest things, if not the hardest thing you would ever have to do…

Yes it would be hard. Not sure I could do it either, but I like to think I could. I also like to think that I could handle a 3way and dating a supermodel but I’m not quite sure of those either. Of course they create it because we buy it but why exactly do we buy it? And why are we seemingly larger and larger numbers of us buying it? I believe the answer lies somewhere with the “desensitization” topic that you mentioned earlier but to take it a step further back, why have we gotten to the point where we are where we are now? What steps were taken to get us here? And what happens next? Or maybe more importantly what can we do to stop things from getting “worse” whatever that means? It does frighten me a little bit to think of the societal impacts of this latest act of violence, i.e. what we will do to “prevent” future occurrences. It is scary enough that many elementary and high schools in larger cities now have metal detectors and armed guards at their entrances…are our colleges and universities, the places which have historically been places filled the best freedoms our country has to offer, next? Or will we, for once, attack the deeper sources (what makes people hate this much?) of this latest attack and not simply take aim at the symptoms (i.e. ban guns)?

I think it all goes back to those damn Protestants breaking away from the Catholic Church, that’s when all this moral corruption, buckle on your shoes nonsense started…or maybe it was when we all stopped being Jewish…(Sorry I can't help myself and I think it's important to throw in some humor when discussing such depressing topics...)

But I do think it has somewhat to do with a deep moral corruption that has slowly evolved over the years. Not that everyone needs religion in their life, but overall in our society there has been a rebellious shunning, so to speak, of fundamental moral beliefs whether affiliated with a religion or not. People 60 years ago would never have been so brazen to commit some of the sinister crimes we see today. Did people commit horrible acts back then? Yes, just not on this grand of a scale, nor this often. A stronger sense of right and wrong existed back then, people had a stronger conscience. These days we have become so desensitized and everyone from politicians to psychologists have provided us with justifications for all kinds of behavior that was once perceived as unacceptable, thus making it appear “okay.” We, as a society, have become more tolerant of deviant behavior, however, we have always become a more tolerant in good ways as well (civil rights, gay rights, etc.). So you take the good with the bad I guess…?

(Getting a little controversial here, but I adore his honesty and I think his point has merit) In all seriousness, one of my theories is that women are to blame. One of the biggest societal changes over the past 30 years has been the entrance of women in the workplace and hence leaving their previous post in the home. Without them in the home, kids don’t have that steady influence, that moral compass, that person that they always know will always be there for them when they get home from school. I think this is a big deal. Not that I blame the women of this country for wanting to get out and work, be more independent, and make some dough. But I think it has definitely had a major impact on the morality of this country. Granted, I think there is much more to it than this but I think this is a big part of it. I also think the proliferation of the media and the fact that we now KNOW and SEE everything that everyone does has had a lot to do with it as well. I believe that strong role models are a critical part of a society that wants to have any chance at all at being strong morally. Fifty years ago or even less, people didn’t know much about what actors or athletes did in their spare time. They were lucky to be able to catch a game on the radio. There were cameras that followed celebrities everywhere they went. People weren’t as likely to know that Babe Ruth was a drunkard or that Kennedy was a womanizer. Kids just wanted to practice hard so they could hit the ball like the Babe and speak as amazingly well and be as charismatic as Kennedy. So they could (blindly) idolize people and grow up wanting to be just like they thought they were and that would be a good thing. Nowadays it is nearly impossible to be a good role model and if you are, no one pays attention to you. No one cares about the good stuff, they are just looking for the bad stuff. Cuz that’s what sells…

I agree about the lack of role models these days. I think our generation (as well as those at the end of our parent's generation) has taken way too lax and selfish of an approach to parenting. That combined with the ridiculously materialistic mindset a lot of people have, ie keeping up with the Jones, has left us again ignoring our moral responsibilities at home, allowing the media to have more influence on our kids then their parents. Along those same lines though, you could blame the dissolution of the nuclear family. More kids than ever are being raised by divorced/single parent homes, again lacking not only decent role models, but also the influence and comfort that stems from having two active parents influence in their lives on a regular basis.

See, God gets me. He knows I am not so good at picking up on the subtle little signs He tends to throw out to us lowly Earth types. He knows with me, He really has to just come up and smack me upside the head and say, "Whatsa matta wit you, huh?" (in his best Guido impersonation). With that in mind, let me relay to you a bit of news that made its way to me today most unexpectedly. If you read my post from yesterday then this will make perfect sense to you. If you didn't read it then shame on you and I can't be your friend anymore. Okay, not really. But go read it. Now. Go read it now. Trust me, you'll feel better. Alright, probably not, but I'll feel better and that's what this is really about, right? Yes, of course. Anyway, I received a text message this evening that was a bit odd. It was from my co-worker, the one who swooped in like a vulcher and plucked my crush right out from under my nose. Well, maybe not. She just made a move and I did not. But anywho, let's focus here people. I received a text and it read, "How old are you?" Then another, exactly two minutes later, "[That factor guy] is going back to his ex." DOH! So, barely three weeks into their office love affair, the whole thing is in the shitter. She was upset. I mean she just filed for divorce and is insanely fragile right now anyway and then her first attempt to get back in the game leaves her face down in the mud right out of the gates. OUCH. My heart hurt for her, honestly. Of course, the thought that could have been me sitting there devastated by that news did cross my mind. But then, I have been there and done that multiple times over the last several years and my heart has grown tougher around the ridges and isn't left smarting so easily these days. But her heart is still tender, the flesh still sensitive and exposed from the dissolve of her marriage. I know how hurt she must be and what a blow it has to have been on her already fragile confidence. I felt SO horrible for her. Honestly. At the end of the day us chicks are in this together and I wouldn't wish that kind of news on anyone. I felt downright rotten for her and offered every kind of distraction I could think of. The world of singledom can be a harsh and cold place, especially for the newbies. Although, I am sure this was a lesson for her, it was a lesson for me too. It was God's lovely little way of saying, "Angel, stop your whining and bellyaching. Hello, girl, I. AM. GOD. I kinda think I know what I'm doing here and just because it doesn't always make sense to you, doesn't mean everything isn't working exactly like I planned it. So sit back and let me be in charge since this is my gig and quite frankly, I am WAY better at this than you." I got it, the smack upside the noggin came through loud and clear Big Daddy. 10-4, roger that over and out.

There is a fella at work I have been crushing on since last September when I transferred to the corporate office here in TN. I haven't had a crush in a looooooooong time and this one was pretty bad. He is not the hottest guy I have ever met nor is the most sophisticated or make the most money or blah, blah, blah. But there was just something about him, when he would stop me in the hall to talk with me I would end up tongue tied initially and then babbling like an idiot. When the conversation would end and I was on my way back to my desk, I would discover my heart was beating quickly and I felt a serious urge to giggle like a 7th grader during the first round of Spin the Bottle. Then I would immediately begin smacking my forehead while I replayed the conversation in my head as I realized the shear stupidity of how I must have sounded. When I was living back in California I kind of let myself go, not caring about my looks physically. I gained weight and didn't do much about it. Over the last few months as I have gotten back into my comfort zone physically (thanks to dieting and the hectic schedule of business travel), my confidence has slowly worked itself back up to my usual level. Particularly in the last 6 weeks I have been feeling pretty darn okay with myself and thus feeling a little more brazen in the dating department, alright, actually more brazen in general, all across the board, from sea to shining sea, okay you get it now. I shall move on. So, alright feeling more brazen, I bide my time waiting for the perfect moment to attack. Well, not attack I don't want to freak the guy out or anything, but make my move. You know, ease my sassy ass in there. I run into him in the main hallway about two weeks ago and the same racy heartbeat, sweaty palms, babbling idiot scenario happens again. I end the conversation too abruptly, I can see the disappointment on his face, but do I make a fucking move??? Nope. Dammit sonofa, what the fuck is wrong with me? I head back downstairs to the little realm of my department. After realizing it is only my boss and another lassie down there at the moment, I erupt with this giggly, loud, spastic voice and say, "Oh my God, I am such a fucking idiot! Why am I so LAME?" My boss comes out of his office perplexed yet amused (just as he always is with me), the other coworker comes around from the corner of her cubicle. I start rambling and giggling and bursting with the relaying of my little sad school girl exchange from upstairs. "What IS IT about that guy that makes me act like a bumbling fool!?!" I exclaim. My (female) coworker immediately begins to relate, relaying stories of her exchanges with him and the same giggly, lameass, weak in the knees kind of reaction. We both agree, he's not the hottest, he's not the Rico Suave-iest, but yet he just makes you melt! My boss is lost, completely perplexed..."You mean, that guy? But why? He's seems like an alright guy, but why him?" Yeah, here's the thing. You can't explain the that factor to another male. He goes back into his office still completely confused.

Fast forward to two weeks ago...

The female coworker tells me she is thinking about divorcing her loser ass husband and in the same breath she mentions she is having lunch with the guy with the that factor. Ummmm, alright. I am stupidly not concerned. I mean, hello...she's still married. And she seems like the wholesome kind that would wait until she has actually done it before she jumped back into the dating pool and I mean even if she wasn't surely she is not going to make a move on my guy with the that factor because he's mine and I have been waiting ever so patiently for just the right time to make my move...yeah, I started to panic a tad. But let's face it, I got ADD with the best of 'em and quickly was distracted by the crazy wackiness of work.

Fast forward to today...

Coworker and I have hung out a bit, chatted about the her worthless husband who she is now actually in the process of divorcing. She tells me the divorce is final Tuesday. I mention a serious celebration is in order. Some how she slips into the conversation she has been dating MY factor guy. MINE. What's my immediate response? I gush for her. I exclaim sentiments of joy, happiness, "You deserve a great guy like that! I'm so happy for you!" And I meant it, I sincerely did. Until I got back to my cubicle.

Then the myriad of multiple personalities that reside inside my sad little head. I immediately metamorphosized into this pissed off then jealous then plotting revenge then completely and utterly angered by the fact that I even give a flying fuck monster. I mean who the hell am I? I didn't make a move, I didn't say a word. I sat there like a fucking pathetic loser and let someone else go in for the kill. I am such a dipshit. This is the theme of my dating life. Letting the good ones continually slip through my fingers because I can't get enough balls to buck up and take the plunge. Whether that means striving for someone better or hanging on to a good one when I had him. I thought I was okay with my problems with commitment and self-sabotaging ways. But after today, I realize okay is probably not the right word. At all. I'm actually kind of tired of being such a complete and total chicken shit. But changing years worth of numbness and bad habits and complete idiotic behavior is not going to be so easy. I think I have a lot of lonely, painful nights in store if I really and truly want to get my ass in gear and learn to fix the mess I have made out of my head/heart/ass...whatever. Ick, makes me feel squirmy just thinking about the wretched mess.

I think I'll get a start on it tonight with a bottle of sweet red wine and my 18264271647 viewing of The Notebook. Guaranteed to cause oceans worth of tears, self pity and perpetuate the misconception and unrealistic expectations of hopelessly romantic woman across the globe.

Whoa. Seriously crazy week. First: I have identified, through the help of a sassy little book and a friend or two, that I have commitment issues. Basically it frightens the crap out of me. However, I have also discovered I'm okay with that and I even kind of like it. Second: It just dawned on me I've gone down two sizes in clothes. Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't just wake up on Monday morning only to discover I was suddenly thinner. I am sure it was a slow progression over time. It's just that I had been wearing the same clothes, not really paying a whole attention to the fact they no longer fit. So today I went shopping and Yep, down two sizes. Which leads me to... Third: I bought a dress today. This monumental, HUGE even. I have not purchased let alone worn a dress in at least 9 years. I hate them, they just aren't me. But today I was out and about doing a little retail therapy and tried a few on and then...BOUGHT one. And I think I might even wear it. Crazy, crazy stuff. Fourth: I ended things with the fella. 'Nuff said. Fifth and last: I got slapped with my first EEOC charge. Not against me personally of course, but against the company by an employee that I personally terminated. It's a doozy too. The complaint alleges discrimination based on gender, race and national origin. It is complete BS, but nonetheless, it is going to be a bear. And honestly, the last thing I needed was more shit at work right now. Oh well, what can you do, right? Besides roll with it. Shit happens and whining about it sure isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. On an up note: It's almost the weekend.

Birth and death were easy. It was life that was hard.

-Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins

You Date Like a Man

According to studies on dating, you date like a man. You date casually and frequently, getting serious with select people over time. Physical attraction and chemistry is very important to you. And if there's nothing more than a physical connection, that's okay with you (at least for a while). You are definitely looking for love, but you are in no rush to find it. You figure love will eventually come your way, and you're not going to live like a monk while you're waiting!

So, here I sit after another weekend full of activities that wreak from the scent of "you should know better, but damn that was fun." Yeah, it was one of those Friday/Saturdays in which I did things I am not necessarily proud of, but sure where fuckin' fun. It all started on Thursday evening after work. I had promised a newly divorced coworker we would hit the local Happy Hour circuit to discuss our new pursuit of intelligent, witty, secure, available men. We were going to head to a somewhat upscale bar about 15 minutes South of work, but the fatigue from the day was already settling in and I talked her into just heading to a place a mere 500 yards from our office building. Before we walked out the door, I marched into my Boss' office and have him my biggest shit-eating grin. (Trust me, it's a doozy.) He looked up from his computer, "What?" Grin still in tact, I replied, "You know you wanna go with us...oh come on, you know you wanna..." Never one to deny me much, (How could he with such a smile smeared across my face?) he smirked and replied, "Get the fuck out of here. I'll meet you there in a bit." Triumphantly I sauntered out, coworker in tow. We arrived and strategically placed ourselves at a table that not only had a view of the door, but the main floor as well. Not because we planned on conducting a meet and greet, but it never hurts to peruse the merchandise even if you aren't in the mood to buy. We order our first round and the discussions begin. Topics range from her current failed marriage to my own (which seems so long ago that it is almost as though it happened to someone else) as well as my newly botched relationship. We chat for a good 45 minutes when my boss walks in. He contributes to the conversation with tales of his deranged ex-wife and tidbits of wisdom passed on from his therapist. Overall it was a good time in which I learned there are people out there much more fucked up in the head about relationships than myself. I went home happy. Friday evening I headed out of work a teensy bit early, around 4:40 with plans of doing a little shopping and then taking my worn out ass home. On my way toward a store I received a text from a guy I have dated off and on since around November. Obviously since this most recent relationship, it was more off than anything. He said he was in the neighborhood of where I work and wanted to know if I was interested in just meeting up for a drink or two. I agreed, but in true lazyass fashion, recommended the bar 500 yards from my work. I had every intention of enjoying a drink or two and taking my tired ass home. But of course, it didn't work out that way. After forgetting to eat lunch and not having time to eat dinner, the three Cape Cod's I slammed in a row kind of hit me hard. The conversation was flowing very well, but stayed completely platonic. He is at a crossroads in his career and wanted some feedback on which direction to take. He also has some big changes in his personal life just around the corner that have him a bit freaked too. I put on my therapist thinking cap and threw in my two cents where ever appropriate. About five drinks into the evening I knew I had better slow it down before I was forced into puking myself sober. I won't tell you where all we went later in the evening, but it involved a techno club, a drag queen show and a few other shady places. Everything stayed friendly and nothing seedy happened between him and I. Both of these scenarios have me longing once again for the days I was free to flirt my ass off with no one to answer to. It makes it even more painfully clear that I need to end my current dating scenario and move on. I am not doing anything wrong for taking part in activities that don't involve him, but I don't like the guilt I am feeling as a result of it. Because of how insecure he is he would not be happy knowing I went out for drinks with my boss or this other friend the following night. (Even though my other coworker was there on Thursday night, trust me, he would still be ticked.) I don't like the guilt associated with not fessing up to what I am really doing, as if I am doing something wrong. Yes, yes, yes. I see what needs to happen here. Yes, yes, yes, I know what has to be done. But fuck. I hate fucking hurting people's feelings. And then of course there is that selfish, self deprecating little voice in the back of your mind, "But if you walk away from this one, you have nothing and what if this is the best you can do?" And of course the rational me knows that is not the case and that having someone, even if they are all wrong, is not better. And of course I will step up to the plate, per usual, get this over with. But it sure doesn't make it suck any less in the meantime.

My Horoscope today...You may be playing for big stakes now and your next move can be crucial. Fortunately, your key planet Jupiter turns retrograde today in your sign, giving you time to reconsider recent decisions and to improve upon your strategy, if necessary. Don't rush in, for your perspective may change along with your feelings over the next few days. Wait and see what happens before you act. You have no idea how many ways I could apply the ambiguous statements mentioned above to my current daily dealings, aka life as I know it. Playing for big stakes you say? Yeah, in more ways than one. I have mentioned in one or two of the last posts that I am analyzing/contemplating my current dating situation. Dissecting might be a better word... I have discussed the current state of dating affairs with a few close friends whose opinions I trust implicitly, for the most part. And the consensus is I have consistently over the last decade sold myself short in the dating arena time after time and am continuing to do so in my current "relationship." Finding myself in my current situation, which involves a great deal of arguing for two people that have only been involved for two months, has forced me to reanalyze what I really need in a relationship versus what I have sought out in the past. What I Need, that I am currently NOT getting (and have not received in the past either):

• A sparring partner - someone who is quick witted that can keep up with my sarcasm without taking it personally.
• No power struggle
• Older than me
• Confident without the ego
• Someone who can, to an extent, make allowances for my blunt, direct manner of speaking and NOT take it personally.

So, yeah. I have done a shotty job of securing these attributes in a significant other previously. I think I have, at least on a subconscious level, actually sought out individuals who are, to an extent, not quite on my level intellectually speaking. I believe, without realizing it, I previously was somewhat intimidated by the thought of dating someone who could rival me intellectually, for fear they would become bored with me or find me not as smart as they. Sad, really when one tunes into such insecurities. At least I have now acknowledged them and in doing so, will hopefully be able to accept them and cut it the fuck out. I am not a naturally insecure person. On the contrary, I believe in most areas I am confident and secure with who I am and what I am capable of. Yet, I still sell myself short in the ole love department. As if I am undeserving of precisely what I desire, like I don't deserve it. Pathetic when I think about it logically. But I guess that is exactly the root of the issue, isn't it? It isn't logical or rational or any of those other lovely words that make perfect sense out of relatively muddled messes. Now the question is, what does one do with this information? I can tell you for starters I need to end my current involvement with someone who does not meet any of the above mentioned criteria. Easier said than done, eh? I find myself doing the bulk of the breaking up in my love life. More often then dumper than they dumpee. I have to tell you, both roles suck equally. I don't tend to date assholes. They might become assholes after we break up, but they are rarely that in the thick of the relationship. This makes it painfully difficult to end things. It is simple when someone is a prick. You just don't give a second thought to hurting a dickhead's feelings. But when someone is a generally nice person and the one transgression against them is they just simply aren't the right bloke for you, ending things becomes rather complicated and brutal for both parties involved. It basically sucks complete ass to break up with someone who is genuinely a nice person. I know that despite how much it blows, inevitably it has to be done. And the sooner the better. All I can say is, I'm working on it.

Yet another avenue in which the above mentioned horoscope can be applied to my current minimal existence is at work. I have really been busting my ass over the last six months to impress the right people at the right time. And much to my amazement, I have done just that. I now have the attention of the right people and have been successful in impressing them in the right ways. So much so, that they have assigned me to a very important project with a great deal of visibility. Basically, I have been given the task of saving the company 2.5 million dollars and I have until April 30th to do it. Of course it is in one specific area, an area I excel in nonetheless. I know I will work my ass off to ensure I am successful, but I have to bide my time when it comes to how to utilize this success to my own benefit. See, I happen to know I am grossly under paid compared to others who hold my same title within the company. How do I know this you ask? I'm in HR, I have access to EVERYONE's pay records. Including my bosses and his boss and anyone else. Yes, this is both cool and completely sucks all at the same time. But anyway, I need to pay very close attention in order to find the exact time to utilize this success combined with a few others to negotiate some serious cash. I struggle regularly to pay my bills and I am basically sick of it. I know a great deal of people, particularly in their 20s, struggle to make ends meat. But I'm tired of it. I have truly and honestly gone above and beyond the call of duty at work for the last 6+ months straight. We are talking about traveling at a moments notice, dropping everything to trouble shoot problem areas, and even taken on the workload of two other people in addition to my own. All of this without uttering one single complaint (well, my blogs to you all in which I whined and belly ached don't count ;) or objection. This deserves some compensation, big time. I've proved my worth and promise to continue to bust my ass, as long as they hold of their end of the bargain and compensate me properly for it.

Anyway, just a great deal of twenty something BS on my mind this week. Discovering quite a bit lately about self induced road blocks from the past and new strategies for how to hurtle such obstacles going forward. I don't know about you all, but this week has wore me the fuck out.

Plain White T's - Hey There Deliliah

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