Superfluous Baloney

Twice in the last two days people have made assumptions about me that are not only somewhat offensive, but also completely wrong.

Example A: “Are you ever nice or serious?” - Person that doesn't know me #1

Example B: “I see that you also have another side that keeps nearly all of your inner thoughts and emotions separate from your actions. Whether that inner side is Jekyll or Hyde is still yet to be determined.” - Person that doesn't know me #2

Yes, I am a very big smartass and yes, I am a very nice person. If you can’t tell that I am joking then perhaps you are too sensitive of a person to be around someone like me. And no, I do not put my thoughts and feelings on display for someone right out of the gates. Does that make me a Jekyl/Hyde? No. Does it mean you are possibly over analyzing the shit out of me to try and stabilize your own feelings of insecurity? Very possibly. What is the big fucking deal anyway? Sorry I am not your standard attention starved female with lowly self esteem who feels the need to over analyze every detail when they are getting to know someone. Sorry I use wit and sarcasm as a conversational tools. But am I really sorry? Nope. This is me. Am I possibly a little more complicated then your run of the mill hormonal woman with no self-confidence? Sure, but as an intelligent, self-assured, independent woman I think I have a right to be. Tough shit if you don’t like someone who chooses to keep their thoughts and emotions to themselves until they are sure of them. I’m not into leading people on by blabbing about over stated emotions that always occur in the honeymoon phase of any new social interactions. I don’t get wound up over a new date and allow my emotions to overshadow common sense and practicality. Is there a time and a place to allow emotion to take over? Yes. Is this that time? Fuck no. We just met. Can I get excited and be emotional? Of course. Does it take a little more effort then it may for some other mindless ninnie? Fuck yeah. So either suck it up and accept the challenge or get the fuck out of my way. Either I am worth it or I am not. Decide and get on with it. But rest assured I am not the type that is going to just walk around with their heart on their sleeve. But just because it doesn’t dangle out there for the world to see doesn’t mean I don’t have one and it doesn’t mean I won’t give it to the right person. If you want to know something suck it up and fucking ask, don’t try and analyze and prejudge me based on the smartass things that come out of my mouth. You need to recognize that there are many layers to everyone and just because I don’t run around exposing all of mine at once doesn’t mean you can just decide who and what I am.

I just don’t like being portrayed like some kind of heartless Neanderthal man because I happen to be more of a tomboy then a southern belle. And I don’t like being perceived as being one dimensional because I am not afraid to bust your balls over your sports team or flip you some shit about the kind of music you like. I am not going to apologize for not being your “standard female” so if you can’t handle it then I guess we need to move on.

Honestly there is nothing that will wind me up faster then someone presuming to know me and what makes me tick after barely knowing me. So you have a few good conversations, that doesn’t mean we know each other well enough to slap labels on each other and make assumptions. I mean I have grown to realize you cannot enter into a relationship with someone assuming that you can change the different aspects of their personality you do not like. I don't meet a man and immediately begin scheming about how I will convince he of the evils of leaving the toilet seat up and his bath towel on the floor. You learn everyone's idiosyncrasies and decide if you can deal with them or not. But you go into something and expect to change who they are at their core. So, I am a little more guarded and reserved then most, what's the big fucking deal? It's who I am. Why do people give you so much crap for being different? Why can’t they just realize I am unique…just like everyone else. =P

Don't solve the problem,

when danger is better.

Far away where you stock them

In cages that tether

And all the bridges you've burned,

leave you trapped off at all sides.

And now the tables do turn,

and it's all gone, what's left for you.

And when the sky is falling,

don't look outside the window.

Step back and hear I'm calling.

Give up, don't take the fast road.

It's just your doubt that binds you.

Just drop those thoughts behind you now.

Change your mind.

You let go too soon.

Sit down, you're sinking,

there's no one to watch you.

Skip town, you're thinking,

there's no one to stop you.

"Change Your Mind" - All American Rejects

Soooo many things on my mind lately. Two very big ones in particular, but a myriad of other less consuming concerns as well. I have kept the little man that lives inside my head working double time with the worries that hide just beneath the surface. I am again facing some potential big changes in my life. Ones that will effect who I am as I continue to evolve as an adult. Decisions that will impact several aspects of my daily life. I haven’t spoken to very many people about the “issues” or “opportunities” or whatever the hell you want to call them. And definitely not to the same person about all of them. Maybe let out one here and another there, but never all of them to anyone. I have found it is better to A) Not keep all of your eggs in one basket, B) Never trust one person with all the info or too much info for that matter and C) Never reveal your hand until you have to. Especially when the things that I am mulling over are nothing more than “worries” at the moment. (I hate to use the word worries to categorize all that is on my mind currently, because it has such a negative connotation. Not all of the things are bad, in fact none of them are at their core. They are just things that are frequently passing my thoughts and the wonder aspect is consuming me…wondering where the prominent issues/topics will lead.)

When there is nothing that binds you to a place, to a person, to an employer or a city life is full of endless possibilities, opportunities around every corner. This is an excellent place to find yourself. The world can quite literally be at your feet. You can head in any direction. You control the vast majority of your destiny. You won’t find yourself in that kind of scenario for long (ideally anyway). Eventually you will develop attachments to either people, places or things and heading in new directions becomes more worrisome as the weight of all those things keeps you somewhat tied down. And don’t get me wrong, being “tied down” is not always a bad thing. Having attachments, commitments, responsibilities is a huge part of what makes us human and enriches or brings value to our lives. One would eventually have to become concerned about someone that lives a long life brushing off attachments and roams the Earth like a vagabond. Society tends to view them as odd ducks that refuse to conform to what is perceived to be the norm, this concept of forming bonds and attachments…staying tethered to something. What of these people that brush off this aspect of societal conformity. The rest of us ponder…Don’t they get lonely? Should we trust someone that has not physical attachments and could potentially blow away with a change in the wind? We question their motives as we do with anything that goes against the norm.

What about these individuals themselves? How do they feel about walking along the outside lines of conformity as they somewhat shun any ties that might bind them? Let’s speculate, shall we? I would venture to guess at times it is an amazing feeling. Knowing the minute the next opportunity presents itself, you can jump on board with it and allow yourself to be swept up in the current of change. Once you get used to following the wind or the sun or whatever your most recent whim is, you get used to that way of life. And the thought of slowing down and docking permanently gets a little frightening. But surely if the right reason was to present itself to these nomadic rebels they would not shun the idea of settling down completely, right? Hopefully they will have gotten so good at recognizing golden opportunities by this point; they would see the merit in this alternative path as well. Because I would think, although being allowed to let the current sweep you up and take you for a ride can be exhilarating, it would also have its downside. What if it was too strong and overcame you completely and you lost yourself in it completely, your head bobbing up and down as you struggle to stay afloat gasping for air. That is the problem I would imagine with having nothing to tether you, you also have nothing to ground you either. Nothing that keeps you secure with in yourself or connected to who you are. You can get swept up in the multitudes of opportunities are they present themselves and you can drown in them, completely lose all sense of self as you struggle to keep up with your ever changing surroundings and tumultuous white rapids that are bound to rear their ugly heads along the way.

I would like at some point they may tire of being swept up. Sometimes you might begin to think about slowing down and lowering your anchor for awhile. But you have to be presented with a reason to do so. That is the key I suppose, having a reason.

I often wonder where my reason is and what he is doing on a day like today.

I made it home last night by around 5:30pm after braving Hotlanta traffic for over 4 hours. I did not mind it as much coming back because the weather was absolutely gorgeous. It was around 70 degrees in GA, nice! And overall my trip down there was very well received and Friday was most definitely productive as I got to meet most of the management team down there.

At around 5pm, as I am stuck behind yet another semi listening to some excellent tunes since I finally had the foresight for once to make a good mix CD before departing, I made a decision. I need a "just me" night. I know what you are thinking, "Girl, you. are. single. Every night is a 'just you' night." True physically speaking, but not overall. During the evenings in the week and a bulk of the weekends my phone rings off the hook. And for work I have a Blackberry and if its not ringing then its vibrating nonstop for from over zealous workaholics sending e-mails well into the evening. Sometimes it just gets to be a little too damn much. Yes I have the option of just not answering the phone, and I do ignore it often. But then I feel guilty. So, I turned both my cell phone and the BB off completely. If I don't know they have called, then no guilt. (Or at least I have delayed it until I turn the thing back on.) Yes, I play these kinds of games with myself regularly, and sadly I can fool myself quite swimmingly into believing they work perfectly. =) So both the BB and the cell power down and I feel free. I am going to do exactly what I want to do tonight completely and totally uninterrupted. Woohoo. Go me. Now, do not think for a minute that I do not appreciate having friends and family that like to call me and catch up. I love it. But everyone needs a break once in awhile, right? I am a pretty independent person, and need the occasional social reprieve to keep sane.

It was a lovely, relaxing evening. One in which I will surely look back on five years from now when I have a husband demanding dinner (Pffffffft. Like I will ever be the one that does the cooking. HA.), kids screaming around me, the dog barking for out, the cat crying for attention and think to myself, "Remember when escaping from the world was something as simple as shutting off your cell phone? Go to your happy place...go to your happy place...go to your happy place."

What's that you say? OH. What did I do with my free evening? Well, in true dorkwad fashion, I played PC games all evening. Woot, I'm a geek and I like it that way.

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Just to make this the mother of all ridiculously long posts, I have also had one more issue eating at me a bit over the last few weeks. As I have begun my descent back into the dating and socializing realm I have found myself torn over posting about my experience here. Previously when I was single and dating, dating, dating no one read my blog. Shit, few people even knew blogs existed, so all of my secrets and inner ponderings were out there for the world to see, but not many knew about them. Now, life is a little different. Blogging has gained in popularity and many folks scour the internet looking for the opportunity to read others daily revelings posted for everyone to see. It is not uncommon to google someone or their screen name to try and dig up more info on those we come across outside of cyberspace. We all know, that behind the perceived guise of the internet, we are probably a little more vocal and revealing then we are in our day to day, face to face interactions. You all probably know more about my inner workings then anyone else. Friends that have caught on to the blog concept have also had the opportunity to learn more about me then they ever would have normally through reading my entries. Now, I am faced with the dilemma of new people in my life having this opportunity as well. What if they aren't ready for this raw, uncensored Angel? What if it allows them access to too much info too soon? What if it provides them incite into what makes me tick before I am ready? And also, more importantly, what if I want to write about them? How much should I divulge? One part of me says, "Fuck it." This is my blog, my forum and I should say whatever the fuck I want. The other part of me says, "Eek. Danger Will Robinson Danger." I have read in other blogs where two people, dating each other, have revealed how things went, the personal assessments, etc. of each other in their opposing blogs and it got ugly, fast.

Thus, I am very much undecided about how I should approach the relationship between my new social experiences and my blog. Should I just cut loose and let it all out? Or should I not touch on those topics at all? I think, however, I enjoy the release from my blog way too much. Also, this is kind of my way of thinking things through. As I am writing about something I am analyzing it and working through it. I guess I could just limit what I say, kind of dance around it a bit more. I don't know. I just don't like the idea of censoring myself out of concern for what others might think. This was brought to the forefront for me very recently. The date from Sunday...he's a blogger too. He just recently started utilizing Blogger.com, but had done some other posts on his Myspace page previously. He did in fact post about our evening and thankfully, it was very complimentary. Thoughts? Suggestions?

I started this awhile back and use to add to it almost daily. I think I will start again... (This is me, starting again...)

...of attaching a giant hand to the top of my car so when I'm in traffic I can press a button and the middle finger will pop up and flip everyone off.

...of ridding the world of all menopausal women and words like scrotum. *shudders*

...Whistling at the hot custruction worker that I drive by every morning on my way to work.

...of attaching a loud speaker to my car so I can scream obscenities at the morons that cut me off on the highway.

...of having a house big enough to accommodate AT LEAST 3 dogs.

...of meeting someone someday who will look at me and say, "Don't Go. Stay with me."

...of becoming the queen of a tribe of pygmies on a remote tropical island.

...of being a mail carrier. (Winter would suck, but I would have a kickass farmers tan in the summer!)

...of meeting someone who will love me as much as my dog does.

...of sleeping all day in one of the fluffiest, softest beds ever created.

...of living up to my potential, whatever the hell it is.

...of telling my friends one day how much it ticks me off when they call me and then don't listen when I talk!!!

...of being the chick with the pooper scooper that walks behind the elephants in the parade.

...of a day when sugar has no calories (GOD, I love candy).

...of never having to go on another first date.

...of making up my mind about what I want to with the rest of my life.

...of having babies.

...of taking a nap at the zoo with the bears.

...of hybrinating for the winter.

...of escaping to Australia and becoming an alligator wrestler.

...of getting used to moving.

...of being able to teleport my ass and all my shit to California with a wiggle of my nose.

...of drinking with no risk of hangovers.

...of having sinuses that don't give me a headache every fricken' day.

...of eloping.

...of creating an escape hatch for all of life's ackward situations. (You know kind of like those blackholes Bugs Bunny would always plant everywhere and then disappear down.)

...of a world that is cramp and PMS free.

...of regaining control of my life.

...of making this move worthwhile.

...of learning to give my heart again.

...of meeting someone I don't want to leave and doesn't want to leave me.

...of a land where Grandma's don't talk non-stop and mom's aren't constantly negative (and drunk).

...of a new law banning dial up motems, forcing everyone to get cable internet connections. (I'm impatient dammit.)

...of never having to move for the rest of my goddamn life.

...of a world where drinking at work is not only permitted, but encouraged. Patron anyone?

...of employers that hand out doses of Prozac to all employees as part of the daily job requirements.

...of having great sex every day, at least twice a day. Either that or batteries that never run out.:)

...of squashing male egos.

...of finding a balance of give and take.

...of learning to control my blushing.

...of forcing the federal governemnt to incorporate paid siestas into the work day.

...of having a pause button for life so you can savor the moments you wish would last forever.

...of ridding the world of daylight savings time. Who likes to leave work when its dark?

...of owning my own airline so I can fly my happy ass where ever I want.

...of out drinking everyone, even my mom.

...of a life without stress, anxiety and depression.

...of owning a minature donkey named Puddin'.

...of having a Starbucks in my kitchen.

...of going somewhere far, far away and never returning.

...of escaping this life and beginning a whole new one where no one knows my past.

...of re-inventing myself.

...of coming back to the world as a fat ass, lazy bastard, house cat.

...of my eyes really staying like that, just like mom said.

...of spending long cold nights, wrapped up in a blanket with someone wonderful.

...of being able to touch my forehead with my tongue (already got the nose and chin covered...yes, it's that long).

...of getting home from work in 20 minutes instead of 65.

...of a hot bath, a glass of wine, kickass songs playing on the radio, and nothing but candle light.

...of just walking up to someone and boxing their ears, winding their clock, knocking their block off, punching the holy hell out of them.

...of finding contentment in solitude.

...of living a day without missing anyone or wishing things were different.

...of telling just one person what I really think of them.

...of living my own life.

...of moving back to the Midwest.

...of experiencing unconditional love (receiving, not providing).

...of taking instead of giving.

...of working with animals, not people.

...of being a foot model.

...of holing myself up for a week in my room with a good book.

...of living with Mickey Mouse.

...of having Mickey Mouse's checking account balance.

...of being euphorically happy. Drugs anyone?

...of not ever being realistic.

...of being a monkey in the rainforest and never coming down out of the trees...not even to poop.

...of singing on mountain tops in Austria in a very Amish looking dress.

...of becoming a nun. Wait...do nuns get to cuss?

...of the Steelers winning another Superbowl.

...of helping crack whores get off crack. Hmmm...okay, not really.

...of the extinction of the speedo.

...the come back of the "nice guy" in social circles.

...of people having to wear little HONEST descriptions of themselves safety pinned to the back of their shirt (like in kindergarten when you had to take a note home to mom). For example: Mommas boy, insecure about the size of his hoohah, excellent at poker, sucks at tennis.

...of a time when emotionally inept people are banned from dating. Well, banned from dating me anyway.

...when all first dates will just begin at group therapy sessions.

...of that angel on my shoulder being able to out wrestle the devil and get him to shut the f up more often.

...of actually remembering where I parked.

...of coffee being proclaimed a food group.

...of driving all cars like I stole 'em (instead of just rentals=).