Superfluous Baloney

Shep along with the help of * asterik (if I remember correctly from seeing their posts a little over a week ago) came up with a lovely idea of capturing either the sun setting the evening before or the sun rising the morning after the clocks are changed for daylight savings. I think it's an excellent idea and will post one myself (hopefully the weather will cooperate). Just think it sounds like a cool idea to share something through Blogland. Pass it on if you want to participate and get others to do so too.

Isn’t it funny how much more vulnerable we feel during the night as compared to the daylight? I was out and about traveling again this week for work. I had to take an evening flight out from Nashville to Harrisburg, PA via Charlotte, North Carolina. It was a flight that left relatively late in the evening anyway and was delayed at departure as well. Then my connection was also delayed on top of that, putting me getting into PA around 11:30 at night. Let me preface the rest of this by saying I had been up since 5:45 that morning. I get in, grab my luggage from baggage claim and head to the rental car area. I notice my rental car is through Avis, a company we do not typically utilize, but I did not think much of it. I traipse over to the check-in counter and give the chick there my name. She found my reservation and asked to see my ID. As I was trying to fumble for it amongst my laptop bag and suitcase and coat and blackberry and…yeah you get the picture…she asked for a credit card as well. My head pops back up from bending over and I say, “It should be set up as a direct bill with {insert company name here}.” “Ummmmm, no it’s not. I would have to put it on a credit card. Or you could just hold it with your credit card and call in the morning with the direct bill information?” The last was suggested as a peace offering I am sure after she saw the remarkably disgruntled/seriously annoyed look spread over my face. As I hand her my credit card I throw out the disclaimer, “I doubt there is enough room on that card for that. It has $300 limit.” She runs it. “Yeah, it won’t go through.” (I mean for crying out loud I have 35k in student loans, the last thing I need is a huge credit card bill to boot.)I hand my debit card trying to hold back the anger I now beginning to surge through my mentally and physically exhausted body. As she notes it is a debit card she cautiously tells me, “On debit cards we have to place a $400 hold on the account until the car is returned.” Oh fuck that. I thought it, but did not let the words leave my head and make their way to my lips. Even completely exhausted and mentally fatigued I try to not take out mistakes on the little people. This was the piece of shit travel agent’s fault. Damn her, that vile incapable moron who has left me stranded at Harrisburg International Airport in the middle of the freakin' night. The poor clerk mumbles an apology to which I replied, in a very non-convincing tone I am sure, “It’s not your fault.” Although I’d like it to be so I would have someone or something tangible to take the brunt and focus of my wrath. I stomp outside toward the parking garage ready to cry at any moment and thanking the gods that my pride wouldn’t let me. I spy a cab service sitting right outside the terminal doors. I march up, worthless credit card still in hand. “I need a cab to {BFE}. Can you take me there?” “Of course!” The woman behind the little desk in the office the size of my bathroom replies in a heavy Slovak accent in a tone that was far too chipper for working in such a claustrophobia inducing, closet of a space. In the cold. For a cab company. A very nice gentleman hops up from one of the two chairs that would actually fit in the room and says he would gladly take me. I meekly asked the woman with little hope, “Do you take credit cards?” ‘Sure honey” she replies. Thank you God for a small little favor to keep me from having a nervous breakdown completely at Harrisburg Int’l Airport, in the middle of the night, in front of complete strangers. I call a friend to seek comfort on the drive and to relay the fare as it steadily climbs and climbs. (BFE, PA happens to be a good 30+ miles outside of Harrisburg.) As we drive along I whine and bitch and occasionally throw out a sarcastic comment to humor myself and continue to keep the tears at bay. Despite my efforts a few manage to well up, but not fall, sparing me that last bit of dignity. As we’re chatting along and my mouth humors us both I can’t help but feel completely alone in the world. There is something about the night that brings out the loneliness, isn’t there? It surfaces the vulnerability and insecurities I can usually keep at arm's length in the daylight. I suppose this particularly becomes an issue when you also happen to be utterly exhausted and facing annoying, yet not insurmountable, obstacles all at the same time (oh yeah, and did I throw hormones in the mix as well? Oh yes and I have a very nasty cold too…not really my week, is it?) I just find it interesting how my head can tell me all these things even in the deep down muck of the situation as it’s occurring…but none of the rest of me listens. The tears still well up and the feelings of helplessness ala damsel in distress cannot be subdued, despite all of the logic my mind relays. I mean for fuck sakes I made it to the hotel just fine and with little incident, but I found little to no solace in that fact and the feelings of loneliness and vulnerability did not subside. I talked to my friend for quite some time after I got to my room. We even continued to talk as I crawled into bed and immediately pulled the blankets fully over my head in a meager attempt to keep the ill feelings at bay and any monsters that may be lingering under the unfamiliar mattress in the foreign room that lacked all the comforting smells and noises of home necessary to lull me to sleep. Eventually I felt comforted by our conversation and was able to regain my composure and finally completely squelch the feelings of loneliness and helplessness that the night’s events had evoked. It really intrigues me as to why the blackness of the night can wreak such havoc on the psyche as compared to the sun and the daylight. How negative feelings and emotions seem to linger on the surface and then pounce on you like prey the minute the sun goes down. Couple that with physical and/or mental exhaustion, mix in some hormones and illness and you have the recipe for one nasty concoction sure to leave you reeling from self-pity, curled up on the floor in the fetal position crying for mama. Thankfully I have friends that can save me from such travesties and help me survive to see the break of day again.

Did I mention I have to do it all again in a week's time?

Slowly, over the last few weeks as I have been on my own again, I have noticed the changes. They are slight and sneak in when I am least expecting it.

"Hmmm, I've had a shitty day. I want new shoes. Shoes will make me happy." "No, you don't. Shoes will not make you happy. Shoes will make you broke. Go pay a bill." What?? Where did that come from? Who said that? Who snuck into my head and got all reasonable on me? Oh wait, that was me too. Holy. Shit. I'm growing up. Another example: "Let's rip his lungs out through his nose. Let's hang him for hours by his toenails. Shit, let's at least call and have his cell phone shut off just to fuck with him." "Nope. Take a deep breath. You aren't going to do anything. YOU are the bigger person. Karma will kick your ass. Let it go." Where did that famous fiery redheaded temper go? We want revenge! Don't we? Fine. I guess we don't. Again: "Fuck you. I hate you. Someone get me french fries!" "Nope. No french fries. You are having a salad with lite dressing and grilled chicken. Do you want to undo all your hard work? Huh? Do you??" Who are you and what have you done with me? Oh for fuck sake, I'll have a salad, thanks. So yeah. I think I may be growing up and getting all sensible and stuff. I'm not sure I like it. I mean there are some advantages. I'm not broke nearly as often as I used to be. But I don't have nearly as many new clothes either. I am feeling better and have more energy as I continue to make better nutritional choices. But God do I miss french fries. And I don't end up regretting as many decisions because I acted out of anger. But I do miss some of my bitterly scathing comments that would result from my temper. Damn if I didn't have some really good ones too! But I suppose this is the natural progression, huh? The closer you get to 30 and beyond the more you simmer down, the more you think before you act. I understand that is for the better. My only concern is that I will lose my passion. I will forget what it feels like to make rash, unreasonable decisions and I won't be able to relate any longer to those that do. I don't want to turn into some dull, sensible accountant type. I want to stay fiery and feisty. Can I do both? I don't know, but I hope so. I guess it will take time to find a balance. You guys will tell me if I turn into some old fart stick in the mud, right? I'll keep you all in check if you will do the same for me! Tata for now, I'm off to buy shoes. Hey, I can't always be good! ;)

I was hell bent on being in a bad mood today (see previous posts as to why.) I had a million things on my mind, running through at a million miles an hour. None of them positive uplifting thoughts, just one worry after another picking away at the optimism I usually possess, painfully chipping away at it like a child picking at a scab. No good will come of it, but yet it continues on nonetheless. I have over an hour long drive to work every morning so it gives me a nice solid spance of time to really drive myself nuts over nit picky worrying and I was doing a damn fine job this morning. The weather was dark and dank which reflected my dark and dank mood perfectly. I was well end to a good full blown drive yourself nuts freaking out session when I got a text message from a friend. It was only one line (nope, not gonna tell ya what) but it made me laugh out loud. That one little message changed my entire mood around and put a smile on my face. It just kind of dawned on me how significantly my mood had changed from that one little message. He may not even have realized the impact it would have on my morning. It always amazes me how much we can affect each other's moods and lives.

I can be having one of the crappiest days ever and I read one of your blogs or someone sends me a funny e-mail and it changes my whole perspective around for the better.

It is so easy for us all to go through life living in our own sheltered little universe, refusing to acknowledge the impact we have on everyone and everything around us. So you got a little snippy with the teller at the bank or you ignored the cashier at Walmart when she asked you how you were. Who cares, right? But think about the difference you might have made if you had been more patient and understanding with that teller or asked the cashier how her day was in return. Maybe you would have made their day or even just improved the next ten minutes for them (at least and until the moron behind you in line ruined it for them all over again).

I just wanted to say that you never know what even the smallest little gesture could do for someone, what kind of impact it might have. So, if you think about it, send someone a quick note to say hello or be a little more friendly with the clerk at the post office. Or for crying out loud, leave a comment on a down and out, mouthy gal's blog, even if you don't typically. At the very least you may just bring a smile to their face for the first time all day. (Okay, stepping down off the soapbox =P)

It's rainy and seriously cold outside for Tennesee. There was actual sleet. Not rain or hail, but sleet! That is serious business.

Dark and dreery weather leaves me lifeless and completely unmotivated. Combine that with low blood sugar and the absence of anything in my life but work and you have one sad, sad bambola. Today the weather has also had another affect on me (yes, I choose to blame this on the weather and not hormones or any of that other crap=P). I just want to kiss the hell out of somebody. I mean really, really lay one on 'em. Kiss them with such disregard, passion, strength, hunger, anger that they are actually knocked back by the sure raw force of the emotion behind it. To the point where it might almost cause physical pain...if they weren't so turned on by it. But not at a moment when they expected it. I just want to grab someone at at time that makes no sense, at a point when they would be caught completely off guard by it. It's all I've thought about all day long. Makes it rather difficult to concentrate, particularly when you can't quite picture the face of the one you would grab.

Ever have one of those days? ;)

I am sitting in the Harrisburg International Airport waiting for a flight that is still a good two hours away and the first thought that comes to mind is, "Why the fuck does Harrisburg need an International Airport?" The second thought is about my eyes. There is that old cliche out there, "the eyes are the window to the soul." I don't know if that much is true about me, but if you're good and you pay attention, these peepers will tell you a whole hell of a lot. The older I have gotten the greener my eyes have become. I guess this is a phenomenon my maternal grandfather experienced as well. They also change with my mood. When I am mentally drained they get dull and take on more of a hazel pigment. When I am physically exhausted and have the potential to fall asleep with no notice, the become an eerily vibrant signal light green. When I am excited about something they turn a more emerald tone. If someone truly gets to know me, they learn my eyes give away everything. I have mastered the art of disguising the emotion from my voice and hiding any indication of anyopinion from my mouth or brow, but my eyes. My eyes give me away every time. You can always catch a glimpse of what I truly think or feel about a conversation or news just delivered if you watch begin with them. I have yet to learn to control the way they dance when I am excited or challenged by something. I have not mastered the ability to prevent them from clouding up and the storm from forming when I am angry. I cannot mask the eery vibrancy that illuminates them when I am upset. But, as I think about it, I am not sure I want to. Because, I think, the guy that is keen and invested enough to learn to read my eyes just might be the one worth keeping around.

I have started several posts over the last few days, however, due to numerous factors: a) a recent turn of events in my personal life, b) the change in diet, and/or c)the added stress of the new postion and much greater responsibilties I have failed to complete any of them. Basically there are a lot of things on my mind at the moment that I am trying to avoid thinking about except for work (if I didn't think about that they might just fire me and that would be a whole other ball of wax to deal with) as I am just not emotionally or mentally prepared to deal with them, at least for now.

I am hoping if I can get through the next week of a very busy business travel schedule I can then formulate some thoughts in writing, but for right now all I have is, "Eh?" combined with vacant staring off into lala land.

There just truly isn't anything worse in the world for me than hurting someone's feelings. Even if I secretely believe the are Satan's spawn it still tears out my soul to do it. That is the one redeeming trait in humans, isn't it? We do hurt when we hurt others (most of us anyway). I think it sucks and its wretched, but unfortuntely I guess there are time when we have to hurt someone's feelings even if we would rather not. When you knowingly have to hurt someone, could I venture to say, it hurts as much for you as it does for them? I think I can venture to say it and I will. It makes me feel like a deporable human being, but I can't find a way around it. It's funny the things we say to ourselves to try and justify it too. "Its really better for everyone involved" is the one I seem to cling to the most. But is it true? I guess it is. I mean if I were to carry on and be miserable in my own life to avoid hurting someone's feeling, ultimately I guess I would end up being even nastier in my unhappiness on a daily basis. So I guess you save them from being subjected to that by getting all of the hurt out of the way all at once. Either way it just completely and utterly sucks ass and I am ready for it to be over. Well now that I have worked myself up in a tizzy and successfully managed to depress myself right along with the likes of Shep and Martha I shall go eat my carbless lunch. Blah blah blah. Hrmpf.