Superfluous Baloney

We went through the beginning of the end. It started a few months back. I felt it start, although I can't pinpoint the exact moment. I stopped being able to picture myself married to you or having children with you. I realized I didn't want to "make" your life happen for you anymore. I wanted to focus on making my own happen. I was dragging you along kicking and screaming, although it was for your own good. I was trying to infuse you with your own sense of self and give you a piece of my confidence, hoping that would be enough. But it's not enough and I feel like I am done with charity work. The middle of the end began a few weeks ago. I could sense myself losing all patience with you. I could no longer tolerate your inability to get your own ass in gear. I was tired of hearing all of the reasons why you could not do something, but never a way to do it. I can't focus on all of the reasons why something sucks, or why it can't happen or all the obstacles in the way. I have to focus on just doing it, working through it, making it happen. I have no patience for the pessimism any longer. I have no interest in proving you wrong anymore. Although I have proven you wrong and made things work, brought it all together, numerous times. And you have admitted you were wrong and you had under estimated not only my abilities, but your own as well. But I am tired of the amount of time it takes to get you to get to that point. Now. Now we are at the end of the end. I am done. My patience is gone. To steal from an old cliche, the writing is on the wall and its time for you to stop and give it a look. I am a doer. I focus on a goal and I make it a realization. Your fear consumes you and stops you. Your lack of confidence bars you from progressing. Mind you, I understand we do not have the same backgrounds, were not raised the same way. Your family was shit, you were raised with no support system in an abusive environment. I made allowences for that for a good long while. But there comes a time in our lives when we are expected to overcome our past and start working on who want to be now. You aren't there yet and I can't wait for you to be there. I am holding you back from working on the things in your life by miring it down with new things you are not ready to experience. You need baby steps and I take giant leaps. You are a good person who will someday attain your own goals and make your own way, but in your own time. You have to discover that path, I can't make it for you. I have to focus on making my own. At the end of the end, the emotion slips out of me and hides away. I become cold, matter of fact, harsh. I focus on the facts at hand, not the emotions, not the feelings. I know this will hurt you. I know you will be disappointed in me and you will get frustrated. You will call me heartless and an unfeeling bitch. Trust me, I have been here before. It's not my intention, but it has to be done. I reach a point and I can't pretend any longer. I can't wait for you to reach these conclusions on your own. Because we both know you won't. You'll continue to go along in your life knowing we are not right for each other because in your mind it is better than being alone. I would rather be alone. We filled a need in each other for awhile. You were a distraction and I was a support system. Someone that encouraged you to spread your wings a bit before I shoved you completely out of the nest. Let's walk away from this before it gets ugly. Before we are badmouthing each other to all of our friends and saying things like, "I can't belive I wasted a year on such a wench." This has ran it's course now and we need a cold, clean cut. This is the end of the end.

Labels: The end of the end

Labels: Get ur zoom back

Stole this from several of you who stole it from several others: IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE? So, here's how it works: 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button Welcome to the Soundtrack to Angelsarentfree, The Movie. Opening Credits: Angel's and Girlfriends - Five for Fighting (Believe it or not this is where my pen name comes from.) Fav Lines: Angels never come for free If you know what I know you know what I mean First you hate to love and then you love to hate her Waking Up: I Sure Can Smell the Rain - Blackhawk (Sorry I do like country too. I'm quite a variety show.) Fav Lines: Sometimes there are things a man just knows That he really can't explain I can't see a single storm cloud in the sky But I sure can smell the rain First Day Of School: Steady As She Goes - The Raconteurs (Fitting I suppose.) Fav Lines: Your friends have shown a kink in the single life You've had too much to think, now you need a wife Falling In Love: Temperature - Sean Paul (Okay, now we're talkin'.) Fight Song: The Pot - Tool (OMG, you have no idea how fitting that is...) Fav Lines (although this whole song kicks ass, especially for a fight): Soapbox, house of cards, and glass So don't go tossin' your stones around Breaking Up: Borderline - Madonna Prom: Calling All Angels - Train (I didn't go to my senior prom...now I wonder how it might have turned out had I dragged my butt to it.) Life's OK: Easy Tonight - Five for Fighting Fav Lines: Shot down said you never had the chance Took a ride on a suicide romance Could have sworn there was somebody home To facilitate the great unknown Mental Breakdown: Billy Jean - Michael Jackson (ROFL, I might have one if that ever happened...especially with Michael Jackson.) Driving: Promiscuous Girl- Nelly Fertado (really the only time I listen to hip hop is in the car...interesting.) Flashback: Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan (No shit, that really came up. ) Fav Lines: But the struggles make you stronger And the changes make you wise And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time Getting Back Together: Since You've Been Gone - Theory of a Dead Man (For fuck sakes, its looking like I planned this, but I swear I didn't!) Wedding: Crooked Teeth - Death Cab for Cutie (Errr...ummm...not sure what to think about that one...rather depressing really.) Fav Lines: Cause I built you a home in my heart, With rotten wood, and it decayed from the start. Birth of Child: Get Drunk and Be Somebody - Toby Keith (Let's not even go there.) Final Battle: Let Go - Frou Frou Death Scene: Runaway Train - Toby Rand, Rockstar Supernova (Ummm, okay.) Funeral Song: The Rest of My Life- Less Than Jake (Hmmm, I like that.) Fav Lines: This is my all time low Somehow it feels so familiar Somehow it seems so familiarI feel like letting go And every second that goes by I’m screaming out for second tries

I just recently got in touch with an old friend from my Kansas days. Or actually he got in touch with me via the lovely world of the web. Here is a snipit of an e-amil exchange between us today: But a good internet search can be soul cleansing, no? =P Me green, him blue. I like the big ones when I can just really let them have it, and then really feel guilty for a long time because I'm really not type of person (we were talking about breakups get your mind out of the gutter!). Then I have to search the internet to find them years later and apologize because I was the biggest ass and wasn't that big of a person back then. I'm out of here, I'll talk to you tomorrow. You need to answer your opinion of soul mates. Ahhhh yes. My opinion of soul mates. Probably a topic I have pondered more so than any other in my lifetime. Ten years ago I would have instantly responded, “Yes, I believe in them and that everyone has one.” Now, ten years wiser, I can’t respond so quickly, so emphatically or with the same innocence. I went from Yes! to No, no such thing. to what I believe now. I believe soul mates do exist, but that not everyone is blessed with having one or, if you are blessed, you may not necessarily find them in your lifetime. I think that was probably the most depressing realization I have ever had to accept in my life thus far. Worse then discovering there was no Santa. Thank God I still have the Easter bunny though. Not sure what I would do without him and his chocolate covered eggs he brings me every year. I know they do exist because I have personally witnessed people who found theirs and I can hope that someday I will find mine, but I have at least accepted that I may not. Thus, why I chose to begin focusing solely on my career and say, “screw it” to the other crap.

Thirteen Things I would rather be doing today: 1.) Taking a nap. (It's dark and cold today, excellent napping weather.) 2.) Shopping. (Inside the mall who cares what the weather is like outside?) 3.) Getting a pedicure. (I need one desperately, but have not had the time lately to hunt down a good nail salon to get it done at.) 4.) Visiting with friends in other states. (Fall reminds me of KC this time of year and makes me miss my friends there horribly.) 5.) Reading blogs without having to scurry to closeout the window when someone walks by. 6.) Eating an order of cheese fries from Timberline in Topeka, KS with my friend Tina and gossip while we chow down. (Jeremy, I blame you for this recent craving.=) 7.)Reading a damn good book at home, in bed, in my pjs. 8.) Bora Bora, of course. (Who wouldn't want to be in Bora Bora right now?) 9.) Lying in a pool sunbathing. (Some where warm of course.) 10.) Crap, I'd even rather be at the gym right now. 11.) Hanging out with my brother in Vegas. (Vegas has excellent weather this time of year.) 12.) Driving through the Smokey Mountains taking pictures of the trees as the leaves just begin to change colors. 13.) Playing EQ2.

I am bored as hell today. Was all day yesterday as well. If I don't get to go back out to what we call "the field" soon I am going to pull my hair out. I feel like a caged animal locked away in this three story fluorescent lit prison. It's just stifling, no other way to put it. I e-mail a few people through out the day to help maintain some level of alertness, but what the hell are you supposed to do to fill up the time in between e-mails? Torture I tell you, shear torture. I am used to being in and out of my office all day tracking down supersvisors and managers, having meetings, following up on things, etc. Right now I have two projects on my plate and neither one are requiring any attention today. I know that will change quickly over the next few weeks, but it sucks ass today. On an even brighter note I found out today that corporate requested by boss in CA complete an annual review on me. That totally sucks ass that he will be allowed to taint my personnel folder with his slander. I thought I was finally free of that asshole. Who knows what cans of worms that will open up with both of my new bosses (field and corporate). I am frustrated that they would even bother at this point. I mean I don't even work for the idiot anymore and I am 2000 miles away so how will you even go about presenting it to me? And there will be no opportunity for explanation on his part and I can honestly say I wouldn't bother on mine. And don't think that he wouldn't bother at this point. If he has the opportunity to get the final say and screw with you, he will most definitely take it. Total and complete blasphemy.

It's been a good long while since we have a soul spewing rant on here, hasn't it? Well buck up kiddies, because away we go! I went to use my Debit card last Friday at a lunch outing with three of my new co-workers. Much to my chagrin my card was declined. How the hell can that be? Friday is payday. None of the bill collectors even know I have money yet! I had to humbly ask a co-worker to foot the bill with a few quickly grumbled apologies. Yesterday I was conducting a new hire orientation that promised to be a lengthy one, so I planned on ordering lunch for the participants. Prior to leaving I called the customer service department at my bank to ensure I would not have any issues. I specifically asked if some kind of hold might had been placed on my card due to a possible susipicion of fraud from all the cross country charges from my move or something. The dipshit on the phone assured me that was not the case and everything was fine with my account and the merchant from Friday must have ran the card incorrectly. Fabulous. I head over to pick up the food and...my fucking card gets delined AGAIN. Thankfully a co-worker was with me and she picked up the bill (we can expense it anyway). I call again today today to find out what the fuck the problem is. I figure I would just be proactive and ask that a replacement card be sent out in hopes that the issue revolves around the magnetic strip or something. I get yet another half-witted, poorly educated imbucile who tells me there is a note on my account that says they cannot close the account and to call someone named Hector if they have any questions. What? I don't want to fucking close my account Einstein, I just want a new damn card. "There's nothing I can do." Well, yes there is something you can do. You can take a very long walk off a very short bridge and save the person in line behind the frsutration of having to talk with you. I call the number she gave me knowing damn well I am not going to get any where. Yep. They have no idea what I'm talking about and tell me the number I have called actually has nothing to do with the banking side and they can't really help me. FABULOUS. Assholes. I call customer service back again and begin my conversation with the next lovely nitwit masked by the customer service rep title, "I'm am more than a little frustrated." Best to establish that right out of the gates with this one so she understands when I begin to verbally acost her. I explain the whole freakin' lameass run around I have been given determined not to get it again. She tells me they placed a hold on my account by the fraud department because of the increase in charges from areas outside my normal zone or whatever. WTF??? Isn't that what I tried to proactively ask about on Monday? You fucking idiots. She transfers me to the fraud department where they remove the hold and send me on my happy little way. Why is it when you are forced to call a 1-800 number its like a fucking crap shoot? Will you get someone with a brain? Most likely no, as the odds are fairly unbalanced against you. Its total and complete Bullshit and quite frankly frightening as the number of morons begins to rise above the number of people walking around with brains they actually USE. Bastards, complete and total bastards.

Bear with me here...its godawful early and I have had one sip of my morning coffee so far... As I was driving into work today two separate thoughts/themes seemed to continually sneak in through the dense early morning fog in my brain: 1) I need to learn to appreciate RIGHT NOW more often 2) And people take themselves WAY too seriously. Let's dive into number one together, shall we? I had the opportunity to attend college right out of high school. I had applied and been accepted to an excellent private college and had even been awarded a very nice academic scholarship. In August, right before I was to begin enrolling for my classes I decided I did not want to go. I chose to go to a local junior college at night and work fulltime during the day. Why? I have no clue. The only reasoning I can provide (and it s really isn't reasoning at all) is it was the path I was meant to take. Six months later I was married and no longer taking any classes of any kind (*cough* bastard *cough*). I had graduated with a 4.1 GPA from high school, I had no excuse for not being in college, bottomline. All of this lovely background is just to provide a little background data and insight into the long and cumbersome path I inadvertantly chose in obtaining my degree (rather consciously or subconsciously). I remember sitting in the auditorium at my college graduation watching all of the other majors walk across the stage one by one, waiting for them to start on my own group. {By the way, I would like to point out that the tassel color for my degree, Management and Human Relations, was beige. How disappointing is that?? Why not a perty light blue, or a crimson red? Shoot, I would have even have taken pink (that's typically for education) over beige!}I had worked SO hard to get to that day, the day I would FINALLY received my degree, before anyone else in my family. I took extra classes, Capped (tested) out of several courses and even chosen to write an undergrad thesis so I could finish faster even. My GPA was flawless (much more motivation involved when you are footing the bill yourself I have found =) and I had even been given an award (voted on by my classmates). So, as I was sitting there do you think I was reveling in the moment? Absorbing each and every minute? Giving myself a wee little pat on the back? Nope. I was infatuated with the people there receiving their Masters. I couldn't stop staring at their hoods and thinking, "What the hell? I want one of those." I spent my entire graduation ceremony plotting how I would go about getting my Masters as quickly as possible. I didn't allow myself to enjoy the moment, just let it all sink in. That's total BS! Total BS, but a very recurring theme in my life. As my Dad says, "{Angel} enjoys trying to kill herself by burning her candle at both ends." Enjoy it? I don't know about that, its just a habit that's all. And don't get my wrong, its important to continue to strive and want for bigger and better things. But for crying out loud, give yourself a second kid! I caught myself doing the same thing again this morning, focusing solely on the things I have yet to accomplish rather then taking a moment to enjoy the things I have. I have a beautiful (although long) drive to work in the morning now that I found a lovely backway into the office. A great deal of it is rolling pastures surrounded by tree covered hills with leaves that are beginning to change color. There was fog resting in and out of crevices and dangling its toes in small ponds this morning. About the time I spied two Bison standing together and watched them blow the cool autumn air out of their nostrils it dawned on me. WAKE UP SISTER! This is good stuff you have going on around you here. I know I will never completely cure myself of the "I wants" and I wouldn't want to anyway. But I plan on spending that hour long drive in each morning at least enjoying a few of the things I already have. I am curious as to what kinds of things make you all stop and take a moment to drink them in. Do tell. Alright so profound thought number two (I would just like to note that this was significantly profound thinking for such an early hour, sans caffeine. Especially for someone who prides herself on rarely being profound): People need to lighten the F up. As this guy was blowing past me on a surface street going about 65mph this morning, this thought occurred to me. Then I my thoughts turned to other people that need to simma down and not too things too seriously. (Yes, some things you have to be serious about. I just find that those situations are not nearly as common as some people think.) At work for example. Are we creating a cure for cancer? Are we developing strategies to spread world peace and end world hunger? Ummmm nope, nope and nope. So DUDE calm down! Especially being in Human Resources. Do you know how hard they would have to work to fire someone in HR? So take a deap freakin' breathe kids! No one is going to can you for slacking off and joking around a bit. We know all the angles. It's practically impossible. Now don't get me wrong, a lot of people here at our corporate office are under a lot of pressure as our company is growing fast as hell at the moment. But damn son! The world won't end if you don't get it all done. Don't take yourself so freakin' seriously. Laugh a little. Stop every so often and look up from your laptop and realize it doesn't have to be that serious and stressful! I mean especially when you have people like me sitting by you that are just dying to crack a joke or throw out some rather entertaining (in my humble opinion =) sarcastic observations. Take a deep breath champ, it'll all be alright in the end. So those are my little pearls (or drops of doo doo, however you want to look at it...) of wisdom from this morning. Now my coffee is kicking in and I have to do some actual work. Imagine how nutty I'll be by this afternoon...just call me Socrates.

I swear I could look at this website all day everday. And I practically have been since I found it 5 years ago: http://www.orient-express.com/web/obor/obor_a1a_splash.jsp Now we just need to start the "Send Angel to Bora Bora Fund." Who wants to be the first to contribute? Oh yes, and please begin interviewing potential candidates to accompany. Pictures must accompany all applications. =P

Enough of this lunch out everyday business. These women eat too much around here. I have decided its a conspiracy to make you gain weight. See, if they fatten you up eventually you will get too fat to get out of your chair and thus be forced to work longer and longer. Ulterior motives just like that damn mean ole witch in Hansel and Gretal. "Here my children. Have another brownie, take another piece of candy. Have a piece of breakfast casserole." [insert nasty mean witch cackle here.] BUT. Little do they know I am wise to their manipulative ways. Oh noooo. You're not gonna fatten up my thighs til I can't move anymore. Last week they had me leaving for lunch at 11:30 and eating out at super fattening places, ordering dessert even! But not this week. This week I have re-implemented the CA lunch plan. A shot of RedBull and a handful of Cashews. The caffeine keeps your brain going and the protein from the cashews trick your body into thinking you have enough in you to keep going. Repeat every few hours through the afternoon and you are good to go. Just a word of caution though: Once you stop the cycle you're going to crash and I mean crash bad. My blood sugar usually drops through the floor about 15 minutes into my hour long commute home. I turn into a complete freaking vegetable. My brain shuts down, I lose my ability to intelligently communicate and I get sleepy as all hell. So, basically I fit right in with all the other morons on the highway. (I just learned here they are "Highways" not "Freeways" here. What's the difference you ask? No fricken' clue.)

Soooo, hanging around all these perky woman all day at corporate that not only workout after work, but also on their lunch break, has inspired me to get my ass back in shape. This is by the farthest I have ever allowed myself to get out of shape and its rather alarming. I have probably packed on 10lbs since I moved from KC to CA and have just flatout gotten lazy. I have always worked out my entire life whether it meant trips to a gym or long, brisk walks with the pooch. But when I moved back to CA I stopped because 1) I did not have the money to join a gym, nor was one located anywhere even remotely convenient 2) I was always home too late to walk during daylight and 3) the neighborhood was not exactly safe. So I allowed myself to become a vegetable which ultimately resulted in a downward spiral in my energy level and stamina. I went for a walk the other day which lasted about 45 minutes. There were no inclines involved because the area I now live in is relatively flat. Yet, my back started to ache and I got kind of winded. I thought to myself, "Holy Hell I'm out of shape!" I have always been "in shape" and the news that I was no longer seriously disturbed me. Now I know that whole line about getting older and it becoming increasingly difficult but for crying out loud that was ridiculous! I didn't care for it at all. And I desperately need to increase my energy levels. Since being of the meds I have been worn out pretty easily. The kind I took contained a "motivating factor." Whatever the hell that means. But I do know when I stopped taking them I did see a serious decline in my energy levels. I have always struggled, really since high school, with being perpetually tired. The medication kind of helped alleviate some of that, so you can imagine the nose dive I took when I stopped taking it. Since I am also interested in getting some form of a social life as well I thought maybe I could tie the two together some how. Maybe start with some aerobics classes and stuff and kind of get to now some people that way. It's a start anyway. Don't know how much I like the idea of chatting after sweating my ass off, but I guess if they are sweaty too it might workout alright. I hope I don't allow this corporate setting to influence me too much. I mean this is a good influence, but I don't want to end up being one of those over-accessorized water cooler gossipers or anything. If I start coordinating my shoes and purse and wearing matching necklaces and earrings everyday someone please sound the alarm. Better yet, have pity on me and just take me out to a field and shoot me.

I have recently noticed, I am a bulldozer. Well, at least at times. Let me explain. People whojust run over you, immediately jump in and take charge with a take no prisoners attitude are bulldozers in my mind. They just take over. I know my personality works that way, but I try to be conscientious of it and not let it happen too often. It is important, especially in management, but in your personal life as well, to allow people to go at their own pace (as long as it doesn't resemble a sloths) and find their own way to do things. I am very good at doing this professionally, but I completely suck at it on a personal level. I guess because on a personal level I feel more invested and feel too comfortable with allowing the more dominant side of my personality to rear its nasty head. Because I am more concerned for whoever is involved in the personal scenarios and want what is best for them, I have a bad habit of being insanely over bearing. And, I know you'll find this hard to believe, I am a strategic arguer. When I take over I don't allow for a lot of input from outside resources. And when they do try to put in their two cents I am quick to shut them down with very concise, harsh points. I bulldoze them. I hate that and I hate that it happens instictively. I mean honestly, how often does that kind of approach work with people? Unless they are complete wusses, it doesn't hardly ever work. And the few times it did is only because I wore 'em out and they just surrendered. So here is what I am thinking: A) I need to find a better way to give advice and not demand they take it. B) I need my partner in crime (whenever I find him) to be one who can take all that bullying, hard external shell with a grain of salt and flip me some shit back once in awhile. Kind of keep me in check I guess. Is that possible? Or do you think that age old adage about opposites attracting is more true? Just tired of dating people that have no self- motivation and constantly expect me to make things happen for them. Because I lose my patience and just end up bulldozing them instead of showing them how to accomplish things on their own. Is this an area I need to improve in or do I need to look for a different type of personality to date instead of what I have typically seemed to end up with in the past? Man, I need therapy.

I have returned. Merely a skeleton of my former self, but still me. Sorry, had to throw that in for dramatic effect. Day two at the new job. Yesterday consisted mostly of me learning my new boss would be out of town for the next two weeks, thus I was swooped off to corporate where I know have to help with recruiting efforts on a new facility in PA. This will most like mean a trip to Po-Dunk, PA is in my near future as they need over 125 people. Ick. I am not one that blends well into the corporate setting. I feel suffocated by the vast sea of cubicles, fluorescent light and forced niceties. Makes me want to get up on my desk and do a tribute to Rump Shaker while screaming profanities. Its stifling and depressing. No office, no window, not even a faked appearance of privacy. But this too shall pass as they say... I should only have to live this dual life through the end of the year, spending three days a week in my region (once my boss gets hind end back in the state) and two days moonlighting in corporate. I have been commissioned to create an action plan should the predicted Pandemic of Avian Flu actually occur. The whole thing stinks of Y2K BS to me, but what can you do? It has to be completed by the end of the year so I believe the bulk of my time in corporate will be spent focused on that. Yes, it takes three months to create something as ridiculous as that...think of all the meetings, teleconferences, e-mails, phone calls, involved in such an undertaking? I mean we're a corporation for Pete's sake, you can't expect us to be efficient for crying out loud! If my creativity and sarcasm seem subdued at all it's because I am forced to blend in with a bunch of personality suppressing drones at the moment. But perhaps, it will only make it worse since this will be my only venue in which to vent? We will see. A life without my biting wit just doesn't seem worth living does it? (Okay, so we can safely assume the sarcasms will be worse. ; ) I have a post involving pics from my trip that shall come later. I can't goof around as much while at work since I am stuffed in a cubicle and on display like an aragantange at the zoo at the moment. But here are some brief observations from my trip to tied you over (I chronicled them while I was driving, I'm talented!): 1. Try not to get behind boat-toten', motor home driven' bastards on two lane highways in River towns. 2. When packing your car to depart try to place "scented items" in something with zip lock seals. 2000+ miles of scented Charmin is a bit much for anyone. 3. Although candy is a nice snack, make sure it is a safe favorite that you choose to accompany you. Tropical flavor Mike n Ikes taste like cleanser. 4. Red haired, fair skinned people in a predominately Native American town tend to stand out a tad. AWK-WARD. 5. Wilderado, TX is home of the 72 oz. steak. Tuck that one away, you might need it later. That and the name of a good heart surgeon. 6. I don't think I would much care for eating at an establishment call, "Cattle Call." But please, feel free to try it out yourself. 7. I now strongly believe the US should stop wasting its resources on costly endeavors such as the War on Terror and instead focus them on more pressing issues such as the need for more prominent road kill removal services along US highways. Who's with me? 8. By the 1112th mile of singing to yourself in the car, you're gonna think you sound pretty darn good. But trust me, you don't. 9. There is now sound scientific proof as to why the word "trucker" rhymes with "fucker." I shall document the evidence later. 10. Do you think anyone in Bushland, TX voted for Kerry?

OMG, okay. Seriously must say I am very proud of myself for living through the last week, sans meds. Now it did incorporate a whole helluva lot of eye rolling and mute deep sighing, but they were subtle. Or at least I hope they were as I had intended them to be. But anyway I did it and I was nice, pleasant, cordial. Despite the endless barrage of questioning that often left me exhausted and feeling as though my brain had been sucked out my ears. Not only did I make it through this week with patience and dare I say a bit of class, but I also made it through without having a nervous breakdown. The meds had hidden a piece of my personality and thus I had forgotten about it, until now. I have been an overachiever my entire life. I can actually and factually date it back to pre-kindergarten. Some of that may have been influenced by my parents at the time, but I think mostly it was just something they recognized in me and wanted to help me develop. I was tested at the age of 4 and placed into accelerated aelearning programs beginning in kindergarten and remained in them until 5th grade. Only being pulled out then because my mother no longer enjoyed the thought of me spending an hour each way on a bus to get to school each day. In Junior High I was again placed in some advanced classes after taking placement classes and continued on the track through high school. I even feel the need to complete college in three years rather than the standard four, while working fulltime. I say this not to boast (Lord knows I am not a bragger), but just to simply prove the extent in which this piece of my personality extends. (Hmm another personality trait I forgot about... I feel the need to justify and explain everything...LOL.) So keeping this compelling need to not only succeed, but also excel, this last week was freakin' torture for me. I had convinced myself that my replacement would surely uncover a brash of mistakes that I had unknowingly committed and would throw them all in my face and somehow I would end of getting canned out of the deal. Do I suck so bad at my job that the paranoia was justified? No. But all innate overachievers have an unhealthy fear of failing, in my experience. It's what keeps us motivated. (Yes, we all fear failure to some extent, but I think my own fear is a bit over the top. Okay a lot of the top and all the way through the woods.) I was so convinced of this happening that I managed to make myself physically ill each day. Well, now you know if I was gonna freak out over some irrational fear I was gonna have to do it right. ;) BUT, it's Saturday and I am still alive and with a job. Thus, no big screw ups must have existed. This is seriously a huge relief for me. Driving home last night I realized how utterly exhausted I was with relief. That brought me to contemplating my irrational fear of failure in this scenario. Which lead to further analysis of my innate desire to be an overachiever, which I then realized I had sorely missed over the last several years. Although the paranoia and pressure this personality trait can inflict tends to be exhausting at times, I realized I really like that part of my personality. It is a huge part of who I am and it is the reason I can say at 28 years old I have managed to successfully launch a career in a field I enjoy and in a field in which most of my peers have a good 5-10 years on me. I'm stoked about this new opportunity that is awaiting me and can finally enjoy the thought and revel in it once more. I take off Monday morning to make my way to Gallup, NM as my first stop. Elk City, OK the next day (Think perhaps they leave complimentary jerky on your pillow instead of the conventional mint so many other passe places still use these days? =D). Anyone ever been to OK? Ick. I say we sell it to Mexico. My last stop will be Memphis, TN (I am SO going to Graceland) so I can arrive in Nashville late morning on Thursday. Thus, the next time I post I shall be in my new crib feeling very southern and sassy, to follow in the footsteps of Ms. Scarlet O'Hara herself.

I was reading on another fav blog of mine, another one I check obsessively for updates. It's over there in the sidebar should you care to check it out. It's mimi. She wrote a brief post recently about meeting up with some actors that were waiting to find out if they landed a part. One of them said, "It's all I want in the world." Can't remember the last time I had one thing that was "all I wanted in the world." That makes me kinda sad. Used to want something more than anything else. Used to want to meet "the one." It used to consume my thoughts, daily, hourly, minute by minute. Lost the passion in the pursuit though. Got frustrated, dishearten, after meeting one after another that didn't fit the bill. Started to doubt...started to question. What if "the one" doesn't exist? What if it does, but not for everyone? The question...it lingered. Began to think about it more then I thought about finding the one. The more it lingered the more it chipped away at my want and focus for the one. Before long I began to get frustrated with the question as much as I did with my quest of finding the one. Too much frustration, too much questioning. Got pissed one day and tossed the whole notion out the window. Haven't dwelled on it since. Decided just to be a career woman. Fancy name that means too afraid the one doesn't exist, so better focus on something else. Don't want to focus on the notion of failing to find him. Don't want to have to decide if the one does or doesn't exist. If I decide he does, but I don't find him...I will have failed. If I decide the one doesn't exist well that just sucks. Means I'm not just avoiding pursuing it or choosing to focus on other things...means it doesn't exist. For me anyway. That would be insanely depressing and well would just all around suck. How can you have a goal that you cannot influence the success of? Too much for me to fathom right now, to grasp. Have to focus on being a career woman so I don't have to focus on the existence or nonexistence of the one. The dilemma now is I no longer have the luxury of tossing things aside I care about. Stuff bugs me now, again. And I do care about this. And this sucks. Cut. Suture. Close.

I started this post back on the 3rd, but with the craziness of the move and the training of the corporate clone who will be taking my place in my old job I have been unable to complete the post until today. (Also been lacking on my daily fixes of reading everyone else's blog as well. Sorry for the absence hopefully life will be back to normal soon...or rather a new kind of normal will be established, either way lots of reading and catching up and commenting shall ensue shortly. Bear with me kids. ;) Hmmm well following suit with all my brilliant ideas of late, I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. I have been on a maximum strength dosage for the last 5 years. Initially my physician placed me on them to help with rather extreme PMS emotions. That combined with my family history it seemed like a good choice. He prescribed a brand that allegedly had an added "motivational factor." HA, yes motivational if you could actually manage to give a shit about anything once they kick in. Which I have failed at, miserably. I didn't mind the effects of it for a really long time. They got me through a great deal of upheaval in my life from the ending of a very long term relationship to the pressures of college and working fulltime to losing a job and moving across the country. I liked that the little things no longer bothered me. I finally, for the the first time in my life stopped sweating the small stuff, it was bliss. However, in the last 6 months I have kind of analyzed myself a bit from afar. I have actually managed to stop sweating really anything. Very few things bother me anymore. Things that should bother me, don't. Things I used to care about and want to do, stopped mattering. I can say I don't really give a crap about much anymore. I am completely devoid of passionate thought or conviction. Feels good some of the time, basically sucks the rest of it. Recently I have been reading a blog in which another person realized this about himself. It turns out he was on the same prescription as myself so it really caught my attention. He talked about being tired of being numb. And how he realized he had stopped doing a lot of things he used to really care about and enjoy. It was like he held a mirror up in front of my face and said, "Have a look, like what you see?" Hmmm, well. Now that you mention it. Not really. It just struck a chord and was rather conveniently timed around a scheduled prescription refill. Which I cancelled. Yep, I cancelled it the same week I was packing up my shit, training a new manager to take my place, traveling across the country, and starting a new job. Ahhhh, just revel in the brilliance of that plan for a moment, will you? We all know I don't tend to think many major decisions through. I tend to just go ahead and make a decision as quickly as possible to get it over with so I keep the fretting to a minimum. And what little logic I did put into the thought process seemed pretty darn good. (I figured if I can make it through the next week few weeks devoid of the drugs and suffering from the withdrawal symptoms, well then I should be able to make it through a lot less going forward.)The problem is you are not supposed to stop taking an anti-depressant cold turkey. The Docs like to wean you off of it. But who has time for that? I got shit to pack, a new manager to train, a cross country trek and a new job to worry about. I shan't have time for doctor visits or weaning off of anything.So, yeah. I just stopped taking the crap. I figured if that other bloke I mentioned above could handle I surely could as well. Not gonna let some dude from Northern Cali show me up. (Nuttin' but a bunch of tree huggers up there ;) The first few days I was just really tired. Literally could have slept a good 12-14 hours, if I had the time. But I didn't so there went that problem. Also felt like my head was quite literally in a fog. Felt like the dern thing was not communicating with the rest of my body. I was the epitome of Medicine Head. Everything felt as though it took ten times the effort to do then before. This included breathing. Not sure I made much sense during those first few days, struggled putting thoughts together. Then would manage to get frustrated very quickly and start ranting and concluded with near tears. Yeah was a good time for everyone involved I'm sure. Past all that now, thankfully. I am still very tired at night and feel as though I could sleep the better portion of a day away. But again, I cannot be afforded that luxury at the moment. I have surprised myself with how much patience I now have on my own, even without the meds. I am getting wound up about some things more so then I had previously. But I just have to remind myself that I am once again going through a major life metamorphosis and freakouts need to be factored in whether you are on meds or not.For the most part however, I am very proud of how I have faired through this considering my timing. Now I do have two more days of work left at the old place and a cross country trip with two dogs and a kitten to survive. But I figure if I haven't killed the chick that is replacing me yet, the 2000+ mile adventure with the members of the animal kingdom should be a breeze.Must say, having someone breathe down your neck the 10+ hours I am at work a day, is well, 100% obnoxious and will-sucking. But this too shall pass, eh?The best aspect of being off the meds, that I have noticed anyway, is my wit is ever sharper then before (some might say it's more my tongue that has sharpened rather, but to me the are one and the same). Sarcasm and dry humor is a talent that should not go wasted, in my mind, and currently no one has been given a free pass to escape it. Shortimer's disease also adds fuel to the fire. Don't worry I'm being nice to the newbie taking over, just have to get in a few well placed digs once in awhile to keep the atmosphere light.Wish me luck as I make my trek from CA to TN. And don't be jealous of the adventures that surely await me in lovely places such as Gallup, NM and Elk City, OK as I stop to rest along the way. =POh yeah, I guess I ramble more without meds too...or maybe that's just trying to make up for the several days I have been away from my blog...