Superfluous Baloney

I love to eat Skittles. Really, I love anything super sugary, but Skittles in particular I have a true hankering for. I used to throw some in my hand and crunch them up in my mouth all at once. Not savoring the crunchy exterior or chewy centers at all. Just sucking up all the sugar. But I finally realized I was missing a lot when I just scooped them up, shoved 'em in and chomped. There was no individuality, there was no distinguishing between all the different flavors. You just got them all thrown at you at once which basically equated to one big lump of sucrose. Now, I pour a few in my hand. Maybe 4 or 5. Then I seperate them out, clumping them together by color. Then I grab one or two of the same color and just enjoy one or two at a time. Sometimes I will even suck on one a bit in order to thoroughly enjoy the hard candy coating and then crunch through whatever is left after a few moments and slowly savor the burst of sugary flavor that follows from the chewy center. I can make a bag of Skittles last an afternoon if I try. Sometimes, I wish I could handle the world that way. Instead of it all getting shoved down my throat at once, never getting to seperate one feeling from the next. I want to have time to enjoy each thing as it comes. To twirl it around a bit, flick it with my tongue. A chance to suck off the hard outer shell to get to the chewier, more enjoyable, center. But that's not the way it happens. It all rushes over me at once and ends up smooshed together, the colors and flavors all running together. My brain tries to seperate each one, tries to focus on each priority individually. But there just is never enough time to savor any of it. To think it through. It gets frustrating when it all overruns you no matter how hard you try to categorize it. It upsets me and leaves me feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, useless. If I could just find a way to handle each one, think it over, savor it. I could work through it all. I could get it all done. But instead it all comes at once, all lumped together dripping with monsaccharides that leave my teeth aching and my hands shaking.

I stole this from Red:

Katharine Hepburn You scored 23% grit, 38% wit, 47% flair, and 7% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on grit You scored higher than 99% on wit You scored higher than 99% on flair You scored higher than 99% on class

Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I forgot how much I like this band...
And this show actually. I haven't watched TV in months. Got rid of cable awhile back. But just became addicted to the internet instead. What a trade off. ;)

Ah. She's gone.

She just ran out to catch a plane to corporate for training. Thank you God for your mercy on a hapless sap like me. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not being mean or holding the mindset of, "no one could ever be as wonderful as me" or anything. It's just that she knows everything, just ask her. I can only take so much of that. Albeit she does have a lot more experience then I do and I would not mind learning from her, but it's the "I know everything and that is so WAY more than you know" attitude she gives off. I was doing alright today, just taking a lot of deep breaths and counting down from ten backwards a lot. Until she criticized my shredder. Oh for the love of pete, give me an f-ing break lady. My shredder only shreds vertically. "Drug dealers have nothing better to do then to tape that all back together and get the social off of it. I'll have to talk to {The Seagull} about that." Oh yeah, you do that. And on your way to his office why don't you bite me? I mean, come on she's sucking my will to live here. Then I leave my office for a second and come back to find her sending an e-mail from my e-mail account. Uh yeah, hello? Hi, yes this is still MY office and that is still MY computer and that ALWAYS will be MY e-mail account. You should seriously ask before using that shit you ill mannered twit. She pushed me so far to the edge today I walked out to the warehouse to vent, stress ball in hand. (I am a fidgeter anyway so I typically always have something in my hand, but my silcone gel filled stress ball is preferred.) So I'm standing their venting with such vehemence (say that 10xs fast), squeezing away on my stressball to accentuate my points, and BLOP. Out goes the silicone gel all over the floor. WHAT??? I was SO stressed out I popped my stressball! What are the odds? Damn that vile creature. Damn her and her know-it-allness (made that up and I like it). She ruined my stressball. Some people have such nerve!

Bah, get cranky all over again thinking about it. But at least I am free from her until next Tuesday. But I already have a plan for next week. I am coming in this weekend to pack up my office. I will then back up my laptop on the server and some cds. Then when she comes in on Monday it's all hers. Yep, have at it sister. It's your disaster now. Cuz I'm leavin' on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again...

Oh, uh I mean, Cuz I'm out bitches. Peace out and word to yo motha.

I won't strangle her...I won't strangle her...I won't strangle her...

I'm being held hostage by the lady I am training to be my replacement. She has me sandwiched into my desk with a strategically placed chair that prevents me from going anywhere unless I want to hurl myself over the top of my desk. Which I am currently, very seriously considering doing. I am currently under a very short reprieve as she went to grab something to eat, but not before reassuring me that she would be right back. Oh please don't hurry on my account because well...you're driving me f-ing NUTS!!! Having someone who thinks they know way more then you (because they probably do) breathing down your neck all day taking notes that probably read something like: "mental note: tell boss she was an idiot and I will be so way better." It's driving me nuts. Through in some PMSing and I am about ready to lose it people. Please send relief ASAP and some chocolate and maybe a margarita or two...ah screw it just send me a bottle of Tequila STAT!! ...T minus 12 days and counting...

Here is another e-mail between the same friend and I. Now, I know you may be thinking, "What? I thought you said your crazy ass was so busy you were ready to crack?!" But this e-mail went back and forth over the course of three days. So there! I was only able to waste time intermittantly, instead of habitually, like I'm used to. We started on Muppets and ended on Santa's gay brother Zanta: He is in Blue I am in purple Did you ever used to watch any of the Muppet movies? I remember watching one of them at a drive-in theatre if that tells you anything about how OLD I am! Anyway, I was just reading your post from last week and couldn’t get this song out of my head. So I stole the lyrics off the internet and added a few of my own little thoughts in bold…for some strange reason it totally fits. At least in my twisted and warped mind it does… Movin' right along in search of good times and good news, With good friends you can't lose (always of course!), This could become a habit (all signs say that it does)! Opportunity knocks once let's reach out and grab it (yeah!), Together we'll nab it, We'll hitchhike, bus or yellow cab it! (Cab it?) Movin' right along. Footloose and fancy-free (shouldn’t all songs have a Kevin Bacon reference in them???). Getting there is half the fun; come share it with me. Moving right along (doog-a-doon doog-a-doon). We'll learn to share the load. We don't need a map to keep this show on the road. (Hey, that song is sounding better Fozzie.) Movin' right along, We've found a life on the highway. And your way is my way, So trust my navigation. California (Tennessee) here we come, the pie-in-the-sky-land (rednecked country hicks). Palm trees, and warm sand (mountains all around us…or maybe they are more like hills). Though sadly we just left Rhode Island. (We did what?!) (Just forget it.) Movin' right along (doog-a-doon doog-a-doon). Hey LA, where've you gone (LA gone gone bye bye)? Send someone to fetch us, were in Sasketchewan! Movin' right along (doog-a-doon doog-a-doon). You take it, you know best. Hey, I've never seen the sun come up in the West (sun, what the h is that??? L Yeah bye bye California sun!)? Movin' right along. We're truly birds of a feather (or dogs looking for a new place to p%%...nevermind), We're in this together and we know where we're going. Movie stars with flashy cars and life with the top down. LMAO!! You are the best, that is awesome!! You can pretend you are Kermit (or maybe Animal would be more appropriate) and the big-boned dog (how he refers to my rat terrier)can be…err…Miss Piggy of course! Then you are Gonzo or Fozzie. Ok, which one??? You honestly can’t think that I would be able to pick between Gonzo and Fozzie. Wait…isn’t Fozzie gay? Hmmm, maybe you should be Beaker. Wait a second…Isn’t Beaker retarded??? Maybe a little…but he has some very redeeming qualities. Yeah that’s true. He has totally cool hair. And so do I. Ummm yeah. Except Beaker has orange spikey hair (ala Bart Simpson) and you have blonde very flat hair. But totally the same concept. Good point. I am cooler than Beaker. I’m sure he knows a lot more about science than I do. Especially about beakers. And probably Bunsen burners too. Nope, Bunsen knows about Bunsen Burners silly. Beaker sticks strictly with Beakers. But he is Bunsen’s assistant! Everyone knows that the assistant is the real brains behind every operation… I bet Bunsen wouldn’t know the difference between a Bunsen burner and a camping stove. Stupid quack chemist… He would too! Everybody knows Muppets that are green and have small slits for eyes and wear glasses are the smartest of ALL Muppets! You mean just like everyone knows that HR managers that have grumpy angry subordinates which are ditching them for a job in another state are the smartest of ALL managers??? Of course. Maybe you should be one of Gonzo’s chickens…Henrietta maybe. That would be great! I used to have a chicken named Francine you know…she was the best! You “used” to have a chicken named Francine? Did Francine end up at a McNugget? Are you sure you could handle being one of Gonzo’s chickens? I mean are you really into noses that size? I’m actually not sure what happened to her but we had some good times so don’t ruin the memory!! So he has a big nose…you know what THAT means don’t ya??? Yeah, he’s Jewish. As if! He was in the Muppet Christmas Carol…I think that alone proves he’s not Jewish. IF he has a big nose, it means that he ALSO has a big you know what…you know what I mean???

No, I don’t know what you mean and neither do you. That just means he is probably in Jews for Jesus. Wait a minute…A Christmas Carol has nothing to do with religion!

A CHRISTMAS Carol has nothing to do with religion??? If you take the letters in it and mix them up, take every other one out, add in the number of books in the bible, subtract your birthday, multiply by 45, and then subtract the virgin mary, then you get the phrase GONZO LOVES CHRISTMAS AND SO DO HIS CHICKENS! I think I have proved my point…

Christmas does not necessarily have anything to do with religion. What religion worships an obese, geriatric man who needs to meet the business end of a razor, wearing red velvet, works only one night a year (and probably mooches of the system collecting unemployment the rest of the year…at least he would if he was from CA) who professes to deliver toys to youth all over the world in less than 24 hours? Not even Fed Ex can do that…

But I thought Rudolph was one of the 12 disciples??? Wasn’t he the one that betrayed Jesus because he wouldn’t let him play reindeer games so Jesus got mad and made his nose glow so he could keep a better eye on him?

No, that was so totally Prancer. I mean, HELLO! What do you expect from a reindeer named Prancer?

OK, but I’m still confused. I always thought that Prancer was the gay one. Besides the gay name, he was the snappiest dresser so I just put two and two together. So if he’s gay, then how can he be a disciple? Wait…or did he betray Jesus because he knew Jesus was gonna put that line in the bible about laying down beside another man is bad, so he thought he would stick it to him first? Now that I think about it, pretty much all of the reindeer names (and games most likely) sound gay…”dasher”, “dancer”, “cupid”…those are either very gay reindeer or ones that like to dance around poles for dollar bills if you get my drift…

Did you have to say, “stick it to him” in the same sentence as gay and Jesus? You sac religious heathen (was that redundant?)! Everyone knows it is truly the elves who are the snappiest dressers of them all, not the reindeers. I mean, pointy ears are so in right now.

No, not redundant but definitely a euphemism for what I’m sure you wanted to say and I appreciate your overwhelming attempts to be overwhelmingly nice to me today, even though I continue to fail to understand the wisdom you have been so patiently attempting to bless me with. Obviously, the elves are all gay. I’ve seen the uncut version of Bad Santa and you’ll never believe what goes on behind closed doors once the presents have all been made and delivered (you’ll also never believe some of the presents they make for each other with leftover parts). In their defense, there are some really cold nights up there in the North Pole. I think the real question here that we need to understand is what Santa was thinking with those reindeer names…I mean Donner? Who names their reindeer Donner??? I mean I could respect the guy if he named one of them “Buck” or “General” or “Godzilla” but Donner and Blitzen…gimme a break! He’s a freakin’ flying reindeer for goodness sakes, show him the respect he deserves!!

How do you know it was Santa that named them? How do you know it wasn’t his evil twin gay brother Zanta that named them in an attempt to seek revenge on Santa for the years of mental and physical abuse he inflicted upon poor Zanta while they were growing up because he was so jealous of Zanta’s slim and trim figure and snappy fashion sense.

Oi vay. I am one heinous bitch this week. The funny thing is, I have no qualms about admitting it. I know I am a bitch, I apologize for being a bitch, but it is likely I will not stop being a bitch anytime soon. Don't you just love hormones? My fellow work associates probably pray daily that I never get pregnant. Actually, now that I think about it, I pray daily about that too. HA. Sorry, for the lack of posts lately. But between planning a cross country move and the increased craziness and workload at the office, I am on the brink of mental meltdown. I think I might be better at taking it all in stride if I had at least one person at home saying, "Don't worry, it'll all come together." But instead I go home to, "Well, how are we going to get this done? I'm not going to have a job so how are we going to pay for this? I can't do that, I won't have any money." Ya know what? Fuckin' figure it out. That is what I have done all along, I just figure it out. I see what needs to be done and get it done. I do what I need to do to make it happen. Why the hell can't you do the same? Why can't you be supportive and positive and upbeat? Why can't you be part of the solution instead of the problem? Why do I have to always be the one that sees the silver lining and makes it all come together? Why can't you step up to the plate for me, like I have done for you so many times in the past? I am getting really frustrated with this and with you. Anyway...=) I have a million things to do today, but I did finally manage to book the mover at least. Now I just need to take a minute to set up the electricity. Tomorrow, Friday and Saturday I will be at a job Fair for our new facility opening up next month. Ummm BARF. Interviewing ALL day long. GROSS. AND I have to spend a Saturday there? Karma is obviously kicking my ass for something I must have done...or maybe it's for something I haven't done yet... I am successfully yelled at three temps today. But at least they all deserved it. Most temps do. Okay, so that's not really true, but it makes me feel better to say it is. =) My sarcasim takes on an extra strong bite when I am in a nasty mood, kind of funny though that I only laugh more when I am cranky. Of course the laughs are nicely sandwiched between rants, curse words, and scathing glares. My replacement starts tomorrow, thankfully she will be too distracted by the job fair all dayto realize I am not a very PC HR chic. But next week, she 'll get me at 100% exposure. Bet she'll seem like Mary from Little House on the Prairie compared to me. If this sounds all rambly and incoherent it's cuz all I've had all day is a 1 liter of Mt. Dew. That's helpful for the crankies too. =P I have a funny e-mail between myself and a friend I will have to post later. Two more weeks and I will officially be a Southern Belle, i.e. Scarlett O'Hara sassy.

Hey God? God, you there? HEEEYYY GOOOOOOODDDDD! Oh, huh, hey there. Sorry about the shouting there...wasn't sure you would hear me like if you were in Zimbabwe or whatever. It's me, Angel. What are you laughing at? Oh, yeah...the name. Well, its just a user name for the internet. Yes, I know it's a tad ironic for someone like me. Alright, seriously ironic. Well, I wanted to talk to you about some stuff...Okay, seriously, can you stop laughing for 5 minutes? I'm trying to be serious here. For Pete's sake compose yourself! Geesh...you'd think a girl could get a serious moment with someone like you. Alright, thank you. So, I wanted to kind of talk to you about all this stuff that's going on right now. Oh uhhh yeah that terrorism stuff is nasty business...but, well...uhhh...that's not what I had in mind. Yeah, I know that whole world hunger thing sucks too...but...yeah...that's not it either. See, I was hoping we could just talk about some uhhhh some stuff on a errr smaller scale, like stuff about me. You sure? You sure you got 5 minutes you could spare? I know you're real busy with all that other stuff...okay, thanks. Well, see I really appreciate your help and guidance with applying for that new position and all. But well it's time for me to actually have to DO that nice new promotion/job and uhhh yeah I'm a little freaked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I said I wanted out of CAa nd I was ready for a bigger challenge. But I'm freakin' out here. I have all this stuff to do and like less than 3 weeks to do it in. I have to find a place to live, a way to get my stuff there, get all the utilities set up and all while I'm still trying to do my current job and next week I will be training my replacement on top of it. What? Oh yeah, well, I know I should have expected all that, but you're acting like I actually thought all of this through and I would think you would expect less of me by now. I mean, come on, we have known each other for 28 years and although I don't have you all figured out I would think by now you would know how I work. Yes, yes one would hope I would have learned to know better by now and actually think decisions all the way through. But I like to think of myself as a risk taker, ya know? Your shoot from the hip kinda gal. *Sigh* YES I knoooow that's not always going to work, okay? But can you spare me the lectures for a second here? So, back to me again. Well, what if I um er get there and they like totally hate me and go home at night to their wives and husbands and shake their heads over dinner while t he kids eat their mac n cheese and talk about what a big mistake they made takin' a shot on someone so young, and how are the greenbeans honey? Yeah, I added some onions this time...yeah she's areal mess, we'll have a lawsuit from the EEOC in no time with her in charge..what? Huh? Oh yeah, I know I should breathe more in between sentences, but it's just that I get all worked up and well...What I'm saying is...well I could just..umm...you know, use some positive vibes or whatever, if you could spare some. Oh yeah, I think you call 'em "blessings." It's just that I know you are really busy and there are bigger more important things going on in this world that need you more then I do. But you know, if you have a spare second and need to kill some time, maybe you would just send some my way, ya know? I know, I know. You have always made sure things have worked out for me in the past. I just get worried and stuff, ya know? Yeah, you're right. I should have more confidence and stuff. Yes, I have heard the whole spiel about you not dishing out more then we can take. Yes, I should trust you more and let you do your thing. You know you're starting to sound all preachy again right? Yeah, I know it's kind of your MO, but I'm just sayin'...you're kinda sounded high and mighty there. Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot you are really high and mighty. It's just that I get nervous that's all. What's that? You got it covered? You sure? Alright, alright. Oh, well okay. Thanks. Well, I appreciate you always having my back and stuff. It's just sometimes I get myself all worked up about stuff...and I forget. Alright, alright you got it covered. I gotcha, loud and clear compadre, over and out. Thanks for listening and stuff. I know you are super busy these days and well...just...Thanks for giving me a second. I'll see ya. Oh, wait..hold on a sec. You know since we're all on the same page and stuff now and the communications flowing again and all...I was just wondering uhhh...well, is there anyway you could finagle a little sumpin sumpin for the Steelers again this year? HA, just kidding! Hey, don't look at me like that. What? I kid, I kid! But you know if you get bored or whatever or uh world hunger and AIDS fix themselves and you have some time to kill, you know if you could just like smile down on 'em or whatever...alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going. See ya, Have a nice day or whatever you call 'em up there...I'll be in touch.

Only someone as sick and warped as myself (along with an equally sick minded compadre) could take a sweet story about a baby hippo who survived the Tsunami and attached itself to a turtle as a surrogate mother and transform into conversation surrounding drag queens and strip clubs. This shit is the bomb yo. (Yeah, I just said that in my total white girl, super dork voice.) I love friends that have the same warped sense of humor as I. =D And if there was ever any question previously as to whether or not I have to much time on my hands, this should confirm it. Below is an e-mail that went back and forth all day long between myself and a SUPER smart, witty, handsome fetching young man (yeah, he reads my blog). My comments are in Purple, his in Green: I have seen this one before, it is so cute! I wonder when mama turtle plans to tell baby rhino that he’s adopted… Not until he’s at least in college. That’s just to much for them to handle until they are adults! But when exactly does adulthood start for hippos…when they are old enough to do a belly flop off the diving board?? When they are old enough to put on their own tutu and dance with the ostriches. (Obscure Fantasia reference here) OK…but line dancing doesn’t count. I don’t picture hippos liking country music. I think they are more the classical or hip hop type. But if this one does, we’ll know its that damn turtles influence. Yep, because everyone knows turtles are HUGE country music fans. Can’t you just see tommy the turtle singing along to Hank Williams…there’s a tear in my beer… LMAO. Yes with a little cowboy hat and cowboy boots doin’ the boot scootin’ boogie out on the dance floor. He’ll make that poor hippo the laughing stock of the whole lagoon. Kind of like my mom did with me. She never even told me that boys aren’t supposed to wear lipstick until I was in 3rd grade… Did she wait until now to tell you red looks horrible with your coloring to? Oh wait, she must not have told you yet. My bad. Pretend I didn’t say anything. Uhm…I consider it more crimson than red! Yes, but truly a blush color would be so much more complimentary. Don’t they teach anything in drag school these days? I double majored in “shoes: look and feel like a lady” and “faking it: how to get by while you’re saving up for your surgery.” Guess I should have listened to my friends and minored in “makeup: what really makes a lady” too… Well if you had only applied yourself to yours studies like I told you and taken your career seriously like I told you to you wouldn’t still be struggling with these issues. By the way, while we’re on topic. Fishnets so totally make you look like a lady of the evening, if you catch my drift. (Couldn't say crack whore because the network police would have tagged us.) Studies??? You try to study when you have beautiful men/women in every class, I just couldn’t concentrate! Of course it didn’t help that I was high every day either… I got that job by the way (thanks for asking!)…they countered my counter and I took it. It wasn’t everything I asked for but it got me an extra $3500 on top of what they initially offered me so it was definitely worth it. (This part was serious, although not for long...) OMG, Congrats!! That is so awesome. You freakin’ money bags. Now you can afford all those strip clubs and heroine you’ve been wanting! ALL of the strip clubs??? Not so fast honey…can there ever be enough, really? Didn’t think so… Well, you do live in the Bible Belt, aren’t their restrictions on how many per square foot you can have? Or some perv to normal person ratio they have to follow? Oh great…I just replied to your email and the {big nasty corporation he works for} police stole it quarantined it…there goes my raise! Thanks to you… LMAO. What did you say in it? How long is it subjected to quarantine? You did have its rabies up to date didn’t you??? I just got an email from security admin stating the following…based on the content in the email chain we were working on, if anyone actually read it I think it probably wouldn’t pass…I was just replying with my history of visiting places where you go through $1 bills like water in Lincoln, NE…they have a TON of them!! “This e-mail contains material which could be deemed inappropriate and has been isolated. It will be reviewed and discarded if found to be inappropriate.” LMAO oops. I didn’t realize Lincoln was on the cutting edge of white trashism. Nope, not even the "security admin" could stop us from ourselves. We only continued on and on and on...

I was finally told last week when I will be officially ending my stay here in CA (Sept. 8th) and beginning my new position in TN (Sept. 18th). Upon receiving this information the first panic attack set in. OH SHIT. I am really going to have to move all the way across the freakin' country AGAIN. Yeah, I am a little slow on the uptake. Most things don't really sink in with me until it is basically too late to back out on them. Thus why I can commit to so many risks with little concern, initially at least. Thankfully, I am usually too big of a chicken to back out either. Yes, ignorance truly is bliss. No, I don't sit down, prior to making a decision, and list out the Pros and Cons or seek the advice of others. I don't spend countless hours awake in bed at night pondering the possible outcomes of making such decisions. When a risk presents itself I typically ponder it for a day, maybe bounce the idea off one or two peeps, and then completely disregard most of what they say and do what I want anyway. I can already hear you saying, "But Angel, doesn't that bite you in the ass sometimes?" while looking at me with your index finger resting on your chin and your head turned to the side in that all too familiar patronizing glare. Hell yes it does. I know full well going into it that there is a strong possibility my snap decision to throw caution to the wind and break ground into new territory may end up completely sucking ass, yet that just doesn't seem to stop me. I still jump right in with the unrealistic optimism of a 16 year old purchasing a hotel room on prom night. I'm sure you can see by now how I ended up married at 19. Anyway, I am now faced with the lovely tasks of finding a place to live from 2000 miles away, hiring a moving company and getting me, two dogs and a kitten all the way to Tennessee in less than a month. Yes, brilliant, brilliant plan dear. Dixieland here I come, YEEEHAAAWWW.

I started this day with the intention of gliding through while exerting as little energy, both physically and mentally, as possible. I mean, shit. It's Friday for crying out loud, surely no one is really going to expect me to work. I should have caught on this morning that this attitude toward the day was not going to work. Because obviously no one else received the memo that clearly defines the lack of work expected on Fridays. It started with heavier traffic than what is typical for my Friday morning commute. This is usually the one and only day of the work week I can zip straight to work without encountering many slowdowns. I didn't even manage to make it one whole exit down the freeway before the slow down started. Nooooooooooo!!! Damn you people. Didn't that semi that overturned on one of the onramps causing all the traffic to be diverted onto MY freeway get the freaking memo??? Accidents that equate to entire onramps being closed down are strictly forbidden on Fridays. Selfish asshole. I manage to make it into work, albeit 15 minutes late, but still in one piece. As I was 15 minutes late I did not have time to stop and aquire the proper provisions that equate to a decent morning, i.e. a beverage heavily layden with caffeine and a snack that's main ingredient is sugar with a splash of more sugar possibly sprinkled with sugar. That made me a tad cranky(<-----understatement of the year). So when I was accosted immediately by a supervisor before I even had the opportunity to turn on my PC and check my e-mail, one could say my crankiness was then escalated slightly(<-----2nd runnerup for understatement of the year). He had an employee who decided to make a rather blatant display of insubordination in front of everyone at their morning meeting. LOVELY. Alright, go grab the little punkass and I'll ream his ass out thoroughly because he obviously failed to read the freaking memo along with that damn truck driver. Thus, he should surely receive the brunt of my displaced anger this morning, God bless 'em. While the Sup went and hunted pissant down I managed to run to the coffee pot and back. I then decided the manager should get to handle this one. In all fairness, this kid didn't do anything to piss me off and surely additional opportunities to misdirect my anger would turn up later in the morning. So, I let her have a go at him while I sat and watched only interjecting in between setting up the IV of caffeine from the coffee pot to my arm. By the end of the conversation the mission had been accomplished as the kid now sat looking down at my desk as tears gently glided down his face. It's always an added bonus if you can get 'em to cry. However, I then realized I had no tissues. %$@# Why kind of crappy HR manager am I?? Running around with no tissues in my office. I mean if people are gonna cry at work, 99% of the time it's going to happen in HR! And here I am running around tissueless. I suck at my job. Right after this way to early in the morning display of emotion I got a frantic phone call from corporate. Ah sweet Jesus, corporate on a Friday? I thought those people only worked Monday through Thursday! I had to give up my hunt for tissues to grab the phone. Its a gopher for my boss's boss stating the big guy needs some documents sent over to him. Like I could really say, doesn't he know it's FRIDAY? And I'm not supposed to actually do anything on Fridays? I'm only here to pretend like I'm working while I secretly surf the net all day and now he's expecting me to actually do something? Asshole. All he needed was for me to fax over some documents that I did manage to find fairly quickly. As I walked to the fax machine I assured myself I could get back to doing nothing as soon as I was finished. I placed the documents into the feeder and it sucks the first page through then I hear shhrft and the screen begins flashing at me. The second page was stuck. I open it up and pull out the jammed page. Slightly wrinkled, but still salvagable. I try again, nope jam. Again...jam. Damn piece of frickin' shit fax machine obviously did not get the memo either! I end up having to walk all the way to our shipping office in the middle of the warehouse (literally two full blocks) and use the fax machine there. By the time I get back to my office it is 10 and I have a new employee waiting for her offer letter and a rep from a temp agency waiting on me for a meeting I had scheduled to go over gaining our business. Wait...I scheduled a meeting today? Didn't I get the memo??? My day has been like this non-stop. One constant urgently demanding task after another. And now, it is 5pm and I should be heading home. But here I sit with at least three additional mind numbing tasks that have to be completed prior to my departure this evening. No lunch today, no moment to peruse blogs or send off a personal e-mail, just work work work. NEXT Friday I shall ensure the memo is properly circulated throughout the general population. Either that or I'm going to have to go back to handing out Vicadin at the time clock again.

Thirteen Things that Make Me Happy: 1. Laying next to a pool at one of the spas in Desert Hot Springs. I love the feeling of the sun on my skin. (YES, I know it's bad for you, but so is breathing in smog everyday. =) 2. My puppies:

3. Lazy days spent doing nothing but watching Football.

4. Attending a baseball game on a sunny spring afternoon.

5. Giving people the chance to do better for themselves.

6. Gabbing around the kitchen table with good friends and tasty drinks.

7. Nights out on the town with my best friend.

8. Big hugs from people you have missed.

9. Good, deep laughs from the gut.

10. Watching a G rated movie with a kid. They laugh all the way from their toes up.

11. The look on people's faces when they realize you are genuinely happy to see them.

12. Harry Potter books (DORK ALERT)

13. The idea that people all over the world can become connected through something simple as displaying your thoughts on a website. :)

I have had swarms of thoughts running through my mind the last few days. But trying to fetch a moment alone to compile them has been virtually impossible. Maybe it is the lack of sleep and proper nourishment, or the pounding in my head and ears from an impending sinus infection, or even the recently developed stress knot in my shoulder that is causing numbness through my arm. Whatever it is I am utterly lacking the ability to concentrate or focus on much lately. So because of this current bout of ADD, I am just going to spew out my thoughts as they come, with a complete lack of regard for form, flow or grammar. Basically, all the thoughts whirling around, but not adding up together is driving me mad and I want them out. Hoping if I spew them here they will stay here and not return to my head. I have to do an new hire orientation with someone today and I don't want to. She used to perform a job similar to my own, but quit the position abrubtly and had to take something quickly that is honestly beneath her. She knows, I know and she knows I know that she knows it. Heh. So, she tends to get an uppity attitude with me and forces me to be in top form. I am not in top form this week (please see above) and thus am dreading the interaction. I also cannot stand her boss, her boss knows it and I am sure has shared this info with her as well. Hmmmmm, AWKWARD. Secondly, I have been reading some blogs lately authored by recently divorced men. Basically, I believe the original intent of their blogs was to capture their adventures as they delve back into singlehood. I have noticed similarities in their reactions and experiences, between each other as well as my own after I was divorced. There are some distinct emotional phases you through as a newly divorced person and I have found it interesting to observe them in others. Watching them all make the same mistakes, as I myself as well as several friends did. You would think we would all get together and talk about these kinds of things and learn from it. But then again, maybe you can't. Maybe it is part of the human condition to be doomed to repeat the same kind of behaviour out of shear stubborness because we are so hell bent on experiencing it ourselves. But as an outside obsever it is slightly frustrating as you can see that train heading down the tracks, the light gleaming in their eyes, and you want to save them. You want to push them out of the way, guide them in a different direction. HA. That's the rescuer in me. This brings me to my next issue. I'm a rescuer. Ick. What is it in me that thinks I need to save people from themselves? I have some sick infatuation with protecting them. It feels like I can tune into their vulnerabilities and I want to show them how to fix them. Quite frankly, I'm starting to annoy myself with it. In some twisted way do I think it somehow makes me less vulnerable? Trust me, I know I have my own hang ups and issues, but being "needy" is not one of them. One could agrue that I need to be needed. But I get really annoyed, stressed out and overwhlemed by people needing me. I have always thought that I would know the person I am meant to be with for the rest of my life because I would feel like I actually "needed" them. I have yet to feel that about anyone... Which brings us to my current situation. I am not confident this is where I am meant to be. As always with me, there is nothing specifically wrong with the relationship, but I am not confident I could spend the rest of my life with this person either. I know all the hype and BS you are fed when people tell you, "Oh, but its natural to be nervous and a little uncertain. I mean how can you ever expect to really know?" Well, because I just can, that's how. Maybe I have watched one too many romantic comedies or something, but I cannot completely bring myself to give up on the notion of an all consuming, passionate, can't live without you kind of love. And I am afraid if I do give up hope that it exists, I will be another hapless sap stuck in a mind numbing, dull, life sucking marriage. I do know the previous of the two exists, because I have personally witnessed it in a few lucky couples. But what if not everyone is meant to find this kind of emotional love affair? What if you already found it one and you let it go? What if you are not emotionally or mentally or even physically capabale of experiencing that kind of love? What if your past experiences f'ed you up in the head so bad that you will never be open again to even the notion of that kind of love coming to you? So, do you toss what you have aside, even though it is stable, dependable, kind, friendly, etc. in hopes of replacing it with something that is passionate, fiery, igniting, kind, loving, soul matching? Or do you stay where you are at until you find the latter? But is that really fair to everyone involved? And eventually what if marriage is proposed? Yet another question is...why do I torture myself with this shit? Sorry, but I can only stay serious for so long when I delve too deep. =D I am just a bit concerned. It has been, shit I can't even remember how long...I guess four, almost five, years since my divorce. Am I over it? Did it cause damage that I am not aware of? OR am I okay (as okay as you can be knowing the genes I come from, HA) and have just not found the right person yet? Honestly I don't want to be one of those people that just settles for mediocrity. To quote an insanely sappy love song, "She doesn't want a love can she live with, she wants a love she can't live without." I just don't know what to think anymore. I am not 100% confident that every one is placed on this earth with a corresponding soulmate. Some are, but not sure about everyone. I realize this is a somewhat depressing thought, but just trying to be realistic. I mean there are those folks out there that will live their entire life never getting married. Heh, kind of funny I started out bitching about work, per usual, and ended up with lovely depressing thoughts on love and marriage. Its just the way my thoughts go I guess. Anything and everything all at once. Whoa, I think I just gave myself a headache. Don't worry, nothin' a little vodka spritzer can't cure later. =P

It was a Monday. I stayed up until midnight last night so the alarm going off at 5:30am came a bit too soon. Mix that with an extra large dose of caffeine, zero food, and payroll and I was cranky biatch this morning. By the time I looked up it was well after 11 and I realized I had basically completed NONE of the things on today's To Do list. Goddamn list. I had to run errands over lunch which equated to more time filled with NOT eating. Fast forward to this afternoon in which I accomplished NOTHING. Goddammitsonofabitchgotohell. EVERY BODY freakin' interrupts me. Hi, hello. Yeah, I need to actually get some freakin' work done here, do ya mind? Move along here please, nothin' to see. Yes, I'm on the phone. No, that doesn't mean you can linger outside my door and wait for the earliest moment to interject. Back the fuck up off my shit. And then this little peckerhead decides to give me attitude when I slam him with a well deserved write up. Grrrrrrrrr. I might bite today and if I do it will leave a mark. Now I am currently on the phone with a friend listening to her whine about possibly turning into her parents while still trying to finish up a few minor details left in the aftermath of therest of the day. AND my boss just walked in the door. Hrmpf. He's supposed to be traveling all day. Only someone as freakishly over committed to the almighty dollar as he, would come into the office after traveling since 5am. WEIRDO.

An e-mail I sent to an associate's manager and supervisor, while copying in my boss, regarding the associate's behaviour: {Fullofhimself} received a written warning from me today regarding missed punches on his timecard. I spoke with him last week and the week before (both verbally and in an e-mail) about the importance of remembering to use his swipe card properly and failure to do so could result in disciplinary action. I did give some leeway last week because I understand there was two occasions where he had issues getting the alarm to set, thus was not able to clock out properly. However, there were still four missed swipes besides those two and it took me 45 minutes just to correct his timecard alone. Last week because of his missed punches {various peeps at corporate} and I all spent quite a bit of time trying to get his hours corrected and posted to the proper account. As this is the second week in a row he has failed to clock in and out properly, and he was warned previously, I felt a written warning was warranted. While reviewing his timecard I also noticed there were two occasions in which he was here from 1pm to 5am. When I questioned him about it he stated he had to because he could not get the alarm to set and he did not want to leave the facility unattended without the alarm being armed. He has assured me this problem has been rectified and he will not have any further issues with the alarm that would cause him to have additional excessive hours. When I presented {Fullofhimself} with the write up I was concerned about his response. He took no ownership for the errors and seemed to pretty much dismiss the whole thing. He appeared indignant and defensive. Quite honestly, between this issue and the complaints from some of his co-workers here in {Yuckeyville}, I believe the example he sets as a lead is very poor. I would highly encourage you to continue to observe him and try to correct some of these issues as they are very counterproductive. It could be, perhaps, this account is just too overwhelming for him after just going through the {another account} start up. Whatever the issue is, I would ask that you be as proactive as possible in addressing it with him before they get too far out of control again. Sigh, I'm such a meanie. That'll teach ya to get smart with me punk.

I am so fucking sick of you undermining me behind my back. Is it because I'm WAY younger then you and it pisses you off that we have the same authority? Except that I have 15xs the energy and education? And could run laps around you in an intellectual race? If you think you can try to get in good with that asshole by going around behind my back and questioning my actions to him you got another fucking thing coming. It is judgmental, overly opinionated, closed minded jerkoffs like you that give conservatives a bad name (as if they needed the help). Who the fuck do you think you are sitting up on your little pedestal looking down on the rest of us? Well I got news for you, that pedestal in made of wood and I gotta chainsaw with your name written all over it. You need to fucking be knocked down a few pegs and realize you don't have shit on me. Five years from now I will be making at least four times what you are making now and as I'm sitting in my vacation home in Hawaii I will think about your old stuffy ass and fucking laugh my head off. So go ahead and fucking waste your time trying to manipulate things, but rest assured Karma is a bitch.

Alright, so it's after 10am and I have been at work for a total of 2 hours and 12 minutes. The toughest decision I have made thus far is whether I should choose a coke or a cup of coffee for a source of caffeine today. (I chose a Coke by the way.) Yeah, so I'm not exactly busting my ass to win any Pulitzers. And, sure the guilt is overwhelming me. It's not that I don't have things to do, its that I lack the motivation to do them. For example, I was told yesterday that my replacement finally accepted the offer and will be giving a three week notice at her current employer this week. Thus, I should be transferring to my new position in about 6 weeks time. This would indicate that I should begin my housing search, well, now. But do you know what a daunting task it is to find a place to live in an area that you have only visited twice and by the time they allowed to retreat out into the surrounding area to explore, after hours of confinement in meeting after meeting, the only thing you can indenpendently determine is that its dark??? Maybe I should just place some pics of a few apartment complexes on the wall and throw a dart. Shit, maybe I should place a freakin' map up first. I am not even sure what town I want to live in. Yes, I am a bit overwhelmed and am thus, doing nothing. Where do I come up with these hairbrained schemes to trek across the country and plant my ass 2000 miles away from everything I know? I know its not like I haven't done this several times before. I was born with an innate sense of vagrancy it would seem. But this time, maybe its the added years of experience that bring the insecurity, it just seems more daunting. Although I am completely stoked about the idea of vacating CA and distancing myself from the insanity genes that seem to run so strongly in my family (surely the farther away you are, the less contagious crazy becomes), I still can't feel a bit nervous about the uncertaintly that lies ahead. I have bit off quite a bit and I am just hoping its not more than I can chew or six months from now I will be left with nothing but a bloated gut and a deflated ego. This is a huge step moving from a Generalist position to a Regional Manager, especially so quickly. And it is not that I doubt my ability, I know that I have what it takes to make it all happen. But there are of course so many factors that cannot be forseen. The mistakes and errors I will make because I am so young and new to the field. I can only hope that my new bosses will make allowances for some indescretions and that eventually my success will overshadow them. So, yeah. I guess this is really happening. I am actually having to grow up, at least in the eyes of the professional world anyway. Away from them, however, I will still be the total smartass pain in the butt I have always been.

After a relatively rough start to the day and an even uglier afternoon, its now evening and I should be walking out the door. But for some ungodly reason I am still raren' to go. I actually managed to accomplish very little today. Not one thing is crossed off on my To-Do list that only continues to grow anyway with every interruption that graces my office doorway. For once, I am not anxious to leave, escape really. I know the 60+ minute, mind numbing, will sucking, drive home in bumper to bumper traffic will zap my natural buzz leaving me listless and blank again. I want to spend a few moments savoring the natural high and enjoying how easily the drippingly sacarcastic wit roles off my tongue directed at whoever happens to be walking by. What caused this mental and emotional turn around so late in the day? Maybe it was the way the sunshine finally peaked through the clouds after 5 straight days of gray skies. Maybe it was the residual effects of a conversation I had earlier with one of my favorite co-workers, and the way he can always make me laugh out loud. Maybe it was the 45 minutes I spent surfing the web this afternoon looking for the ulitimate vacation spot. Or maybe it was the 30 minutes I spent day dreaming about who would accompany me, once I found that spot. Who knows? And quite frankly, I don't really care. Its nice to feel happy for once even while surrounded by all these listless drones. It feels good to blow sunshine around, while everyone scowls and tries to escape into the shadows. Not sure. But I am just going to ride the wave while I'm on it and I'll figure out what to do on the shore when I get there.

Answer James Lipton's Ten Questions: What is your favorite word? Rat Bastard (I know that's two, but deal with it) What is your least favorite word? Scrotum (ick) What turns you on? A man in uniform, a muscular back, a man with his dog. What turns you off? Ego, pessimism, impatience What is your favorite curse word? Fucken' shit (I realize this too is actually two words, but I always say them without pausing in between so it comes out all mushed together as if its one word. Why am I explaining this to you?) What noise do you love? Thunderstorms, my name whispered in my ear during...well you know. What sound or noise do you hate? The Seagull on conference calls (close your damn door jerkoff, I can hear you all the way down the hall) What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Being a highway patrolman (patrolwoman?) What profession would you not like to do? That guy that has to walk behind the elephants to pick up their poop when the circus comes to town. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? What the hell are you doing here? I gotta get better security...

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. - George Carlin People need to freakin' lighten up. We're not finding the cure to cancer here, we're just trying to make some f'en money. Why do people instist on getting so wound up

about stuff? I understand that work is important and being successful at what you have been hired to do is key, but its not the end all, be all. Its a job. We aren't working for a non-profit feeding the homeless or shipping out supplies to war stricken third world countries. We don't spend hours on end under machine gunfire, surrounded by the enemy fighting for a cause that we don't believe in. We just do a regular, every day, run of the mill job. So, what the hell are you so cranky about? Drink another cup or coffee, smoke another cigarrette, pop one more anti-depressant, fuck take a Vicoden if it'll help. Just stop moping around. At least freakin' fake a smile. We spend way too much time at work to take it so damn seriously.

Rather than post about wanting to physically enclose my petite little fingers around several individuals necks at the moment I thought I would tell you dear readaz, about my newest obesession.Theory of a Deadman is currently known for their latest single, Santa Monica. BUT I have been listening to them for quite sometime now and have become total engrossed with their whole album. It is seriously good stuff. Alright so of course, being the ranter and raver that I am, I cannot possibly sit and type away about music when I secretely would like to bring physical harm to someone. So, although I began this post under the guise of enlightening you with the latest and greatest music sensation, I am now going to unexpectedly switch gears and well, go off.(Because I'm damn good at and people need to feel my wrath, even through prose, occasionally.) What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't give a shit if you're tired and overwhlemed and stressed out and feeling unsupported. Fucking suck it up and go out there and get the fucking job done you spineless little ninnie. You knew this was going to be shit, because I told you it would be. So don't look so pathetically down trodden now that it is. You are a manger that makes 20k more then me a year and you expect me to feel bad for you because you are currently sucking ass at your job? FU. What I expect you to do is fucking buck up and get your ass back out there, take charge, get fucking people actually working instead of collecting pay for sticking their finger up their butt and make this company some fucking profit. I gave you the pep talks and the pats on the back you needed when the shit really started to hit the fan and you're not going to get anymore and my pep has now been depleted. Now is the time you need to fucking take this shit by the balls and get it moving in the direction it needs to move in before you cost all of us our jobs. Fuck you and your tired vacant expression. You knew this shit was going to suck. Get your ass out there and do the fucking job this company is paying you to do. Go out there and lead those people. You're shitty ass attitude is like a cancer that is going to spread so fast half those peeps will be dead by morning, stricken by your pessimism. So stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of them. They are just as tired and worn out as you are and they are only making $10 an hour probably trying to raise five kids and driving a fucking jalopy to work. Remember that when you drive off in your Mercedes at the end of the night to your fucking luxury apartment and your young successful husband who makes more money in a year then any of these people will make in the next ten. Your life is not that bad and your job is not that hard. So pull your head out of your ass and get back to fucking work. Alright I feel a smidge better.

I was reading another blog that I frequent and discovered the author had started a special diet that lasts just ten days to achieve mental clarity to begin writing for a book deal she just landed. I didn't really follow much she was saying and actually assumed she was giving her self enemas until I clicked on the link she had provided. After following the link I discovered she was actually participating in a diet called The Mastercleanse. It's super strict and well, fairly disgusting truthfully. But I found it intriguing nonetheless. Lately my diet has consisted mostly of one junk food meal and day supplemented with loads and loads of caffeine. Yes, readaz, I am a health nut. As a result of my overly nutritious diet I have been feeling exhausted, cranky and as if my brain has short circuited. In short, if I were a car, I would have dropped my transmission on the freeway 5 yards back and am continuing to spill fluids in a trail behind me. I need a tune up dammit! And the claims of vitality, energy and mental clarity on the website intrigue me. I admittingly have ZERO will power or self discipline, thus why I don't even bother to pretend to possess such qualities. But I thought maybe if I put it out here on this website for display I will be more inclined to stick with it. I rather like the idea of cleansing my body of toxins and riding it of the nastiness that has surely accumulated on my insides over the last few months of eating nothing but deplorable transfats. So, I will be heading to the health nut store later today to pick up the ingredients and should be drinking salt water by tomorrow morning. Wish me luck. And no, I haven't lost it. I just need some clarity, some added spunk and optimism. They just postponed my transfer at least another week...