Superfluous Baloney

Yes, that's right peeps. I SUCK AT EATING POPCORN. I refuse to just eat one tasty, buttery, popped kernel at a time so I will grab three fingers full at a time. But, I'm clumsy so after I grab them, but before I get them to my mouth at least 3/4s worth goes everywhere. All over the desk (I eat it mostly at work when I overly caffeinated and under nourished) all of the floor, down my shirt and all over every where else. The cleaning lady must hate me. She barely speaks English, but will attempt to ask me if she can vaccuum my office almost everyday (she makes the little vaccuum cleaner noises and runs her hand back and forth over the opposing palm) and I just smile my fake HR grin and say, "No thanks." I'm sure she walks away mumbling explicitives in her native tongue behind my back. I also blow at eating sunflower seeds, another one of my regular work place snack items. Now, in this scenario I do only eat one at a time. I put it in my mouth, crack the shell and pull it back out while crunching on the kernel. Now the problem creeps in as I go to dispose of the shell. I reach under my desk where the trash can is located (probably 6 inches from my leg) and drop the shell in. However, I tend to miss the trash can quite frequently. So there is a trail of nasty sucked on shells lingering around behind my desk and under my chair. Again, I picture the cleaning lady mumbling vulgar Spanish phrases as she walks away from my office door. So, why am I telling you all this? Because I am a dork. Not just any dork, but a dork whose sole source of nourishment today has consisted of a Monster drink, popcorn and sunflower seeds. Yep, on another health kick as my Dad would say. Even as I type this I will stop to grab at the popcorn on my desk and watch half of it tumble to the ground. Does this stop me from attempting to grab more then one kernel at a time? Hell naw. Now, its not that I think you should find any of this interesting or the slightest bit amusing, but what do you expect from someone who lives off caffeine and bird feed?

I woke up this morning, after going to bed at 10pm last night, all spunky and ready to take on the world. Just to confirm my mood was not just a spurt, but a continued theme throughout the morning, I bought a Monster on the way in. That did the trick and my perkiness lasted through the morning. HOWEVER, it is now 1:30pm and I am on the downward spiral. The caffeine is gone and so is any form of nourishment. The little life sucking leeches I work with sucked it all right out of me. The perkiness, the spunk, all of it. I need food and I need it now. Or alcohol. Alcohol might work too. A margarita with an extra shot of tequila would do the trick...I think. So, please someone send over some Jose STAT.

Someone asked me yesterday if I had been married before. This seems a rather common question these days, as the "starter marriage" seems to become more commonplace as most folks don't seem capable of getting it right until round two. It's been a good long while since I actually thought about my marriage. Just typing those words starts the feeling of being burdened with the numerous stereotypes affiliated with divorcees all over again. All of a sudden people view you through a new set of eyes. But for me that person, the one that went through those four years of marriage, doesn't exist anymore. That all happened to someone else. I was only a silent observer watching those events transpire over the years. I mean get real. I was nineteen. I don't even remember what it felt like to be nineteen and so crazy over someone that I thought I could wake up to their face every morning for the rest of my cliched life. That kind of unbridled naive confidence in love and romance escaped me years ago and I have yet to kidnap it back and hold it for a lifetime's worth of ransom. Everybody has that one story...the story of the time their heart was broken. The first time they tasted the bitterness of heartache. The first time is always the most poignant, the first time the feelings and memories resonate off the walls of a now empty cavity where a heart once beat steadily, red, lively and strong. So, here is the story behind my first time, for me however, it was also the last. As I said I was nineteen with nothing to lose but my innocence, so I threw all caution and common sense to the wind and got married. We ended up separated going into our third year of marriage. (I know! Shock of a lifetime!!) We went out separate ways with the understanding that he would get the divorce paperwork together, as he had free legal services through the military (Double shock! He was in the military?!). Six months go by and no divorce yet. And honestly I was not complaining because although I had been young and dumb going into the marriage I had learned enough by that point to know how to work the military system in my favor. I had secured a $300 a month direct deposited spousal support payment for every month until we were divorced, so I was not about to whine about speeding up the process. Let me just interject here, by stating make no mistake, I did not want the divorce. Did I want to be with him anymore? No, he was a control freak and a paranoid adulterer who liked to lessen his self-inflicted guilt by accusing me of cheating instead of admitting to his own indiscretions. But no one wants to get a divorce. It means admitting defeat, surrendering, succumbing to the statistics that stacked against you and accepting the fact that everyone else was right and you were wrong, wrong, wrong. You're not different, your love was not special and you're no better than any other ninnie that jumped in blindly. And that sucks serious ass. This all weighed on my conscience quite heavily as failure of any sort does on all natural born over achievers. So between the added income and the need to procrastinate waiving that white flag I stayed quiet about the divorce. Until, I wanted to start dating again. (I mean, come on! I was a 22 year old hotblooded young American girl. Am I supposed to become a nun because my marriage failed? Yeah right!) I didn't like the idea of having to tell potential love interests that I was in fact, still married. Can you say serious mojo killer??? So, I called up Satan's Spawn and started harassing him about moving forward on the divorce. For the first two months after I started calling he hemmed and hawed and came up with every excuse in the book as to why he had not exactly gotten around to taking care of it. Initially I could maintain the cold distance "I hate you mofo, rot in hell" attitude toward him quite well. But eventually he began to wear me down again and get to me like no one else could. Eventually our conversations started lasting longer and touching on other aspects of our lives besides the pending legal matter at hand. Then one day he said it. He told me he didn't want the divorce, he wanted to work things out. Being one that abhors admitting defeat, I bought into the idea. For three weeks he strung me along talking to me about moving out to his new duty station in Virginia Beach, VA. He researched schools I could transfer to and places I could apply to work. We talked everyday on the phone for several hours. I was stoked about the whole fairytale reuniting we were planning. Then one day he didn't call as he had promised the night day before. I tried calling him only to be met with the dronelike voice of his answering maching, "No one is available to take you call. Please leave a message after the beep." The next day I'm driving around in my car, windows down, stereo blaring trying to drown out the paranoia whirling around in my head. For some reason I chose to look down and saw my cell phone light up. It was him. Of course when I answered and heard his voice I knew immediately something had changed. I wasn't knew to this saga. It wasn't the first time he had sucked me into his delirium of a perfect happy life together only to rip it all to shred's when his true form emerged under the fullmoon. I begged him to think about it. Told him I thought it would be different this time, we had planned it all out. I had already set my heart on the idea. Set it right on the edge of a shelf hung with faulty screws in a house that sits on a fault line is what I did. We talked for 15 minutes and the conversation ended with him stating he needed more time to think about it. I headed to a friend's house to vent about the situation. She was part of the first wives club and could easily sympathize. It was there that I came up with my brilliant plan. Surely if he saw me, live and in living colow, all doubt would immediately leave his mind and we would run to each other just like they do in all those sappy, trashy, cheap Harlequin romance novels and live happily ever after. I knew that if we were face to face everything would fall into place and everything would be right in the world once again (maybe in a parallel universe anyway, or Neverland). So, I cooked up a plan. I would tell my boss that a relative had a stroke and I needed to travel back home to be with my family (I was living in KS at the time and all my family was in CA) thus, securing myself some emergency time off. I would then drive, alone in my car (sans cruise control), the whole way to where he was staying in VA. Yes, a whole 1500 miles plus, alone, at 22, to a place I had never been to before with only a copy of mapquest directions to guide me and $80 in my pocket for gas. BRILLIANT IDEA! Simply brilliant. It did all somehow seem to make sense at the time... So I made the 26 hours trek with no company and no cruise control. I drove through 7 states and finally arrived at around 6am on a Saturday morning. Despite being insanely fatigued yet cracked out on those over the counter caffeine nightmare pills they sell at truck stops, I was excited. I called him from the parking lot in front of his apartment. He finally answered, but much to my dismay, did not sound thrilled to hear from me. "Well," I thought to myself, "I did just wake him up at 6am on a Saturday morning." I asked him to make his way outside while still talking on the phone with me. When I had him in my sights I stepped out of my car and said hello. His response? "Shit." Yeah, not exactly the blissful reunion I had pictured over and over again in my head through all 26 hours of non-stop driving with NO cruise control. We just stood there and awkwardly stared at each other for a good 20 seconds, phone still poised at our ears. Until he finally said, "But I'm not alone." WHAT?? Yeah, he had someone staying over. And yes, it was a female someone. I got in my car and drove off now panicking as the reality of what the fuck I had just done begins to ooze its way through the over caffeinated layers of my senses. As I realize I have absolutely no where to go, nor do I know where anything is, nor do I have hardly any money, the hysteria hits me. Now, I'm not a crier or an overly emotional person, even at 22 I kept myself pretty much in check. And this crazy balls to the wall adventure I had embarked upon was actually a bit unusual for me. I was not typically one to lay it all out there on the line, for love especially. The POS calls me 80 times on my cell phone trying to get a hold of me in some pathetic attempt to be an upstanding concerned citizen. Finally on the 81st time I answer. He tells me he has work that day, but to come by at 10am and we could talk then. Uhhhh yeah. Its 6:30am by then. What the F am I supposed to do until 10?? (I don't even recall how I managed to find his work.) I finally parked in a parking lot and calmed my hysterical self down a bit. I tried to sleep but between what had just happened and all the Mt. Dew and Yellowjackets I had downed, sleep was a distant friend I couldn't even recognize. Ten rolls around I find him and we go for a walk around the surrounding neighbor from his work. We stopped to sit on a stonewall eventually. And that's when he told me. He started out by saying his house guest was someone he had been seeing off and on for the last 7 or 8 months. And when he had started talking to me about getting back together he didn't think it was going to work out with her. (And he lands a strong right straight to the jawline....)But recently, they had somewhat reconciled and were thinking about giving it another go. (Ohhhh, that was a mean left hook to the chin Jim, that ones gonna leave a mark.) I'm crying softly, but pretty hard at this point, almost gagging as I try to hold the sobs back. This motherfucker only called me and jerked my chain because he thought his whore of the week might be out of the picture? (<-----This is what dawns on my later.) But do I explode on him unleashing the months of pent up anger, resentement, and frustration for the grief he has caused me? Nope. Nuh Uh. I, in my little shakey voice compose myself enough to squeak out, "But don't you even want to try?" and the proceeded to beg him to work it out with me. Honestly the lowest point in my entire life thus far. Never in my life had I put myself out there like that and 100% left myself vulnerable to that kind of heartache. His response was almost unemotional and cold. He said no, he had decided he should just move on. (AND she's down for the count Jim, last only 2 rounds!) I was literally devestated. I stayed in town for another two days. He sent the whore apackin' that night, so I ended up staying at his place. I slept for the rest of the next day and then snuck out in the middle of the next night. He tried to call me in the morning when he discovered I had gone, but I just let the phone ring. I realized when we were sitting on that stonewall he had been holding my heart in his hands in that moment. Did he break it? Nah. He just waded it up, threw it down and did the Mexican hat dance on it for a good long while. But after he picked up his sombrero and left, I picked up my heart and dusted it off. When the dust was gone I could tell it wasn't the same heart it had been before. It was a little heavier, a little harder, a little rougher, but it was still mine. It showed the signs of a heart that had gone to battle and lost. It wasn't the last time it would suffer blows, but each time it did/does, and I think this holds true for every heart, it gets a little rougher, a little harder and a little heavier. It becomes more weary, more cautious and more gun shy. Less willing to put it all out there...to run head first into the battle while screaming, "Bonzaiiiiiiii!" (Heh) It's just part of life I know. But it was the first and last time I ever put my heart in someone else's hands to do with as they please. I now hold it tight, never completely letting it go, out of fear that someday the steady, red, lively, strong mass of muscle that holds all my dreams will just simply petrify and turn to stone.

Thirteen Things I am currently rocking out to:

1) Pat Green- "Feels Just Like It Should"

2) Theory of a Deadman - "Say Goodbye"

3) Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Dani California"

4) Panic! At the Disco - "I Write Sins Not Tragedies"

5) Blue October - "Hate Me"

6) Angels and Airwaves - "Do it for Me Now"

7) Nine Inch Nails - "Only" 8) The Wreckers- "Leave the Pieces"

9) Dierks Bentley - "Come a Little Closer"

10) Tool - The Pot

11) Josh Gracin - "Stay With Me"

12) Velvet Revolver - "Falling to Pieces"

13) Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous

So, yeah I'm a fruit. My tastes are all over the board, just like everything else in my life. =p

*Note: Not ALL of these are new songs, just ones that currently in heavy rotation in the world of moi.

Visit these other Thursday Thirteens:

Mysterious Lady

Kailani

Carmen

Raggedy

Army Wife

Christina

Every once in awhile even extreme social butterflies who thrive off human contact like me need a day away. I would give anything to bury my head under the covers today and cuddle with a puppy dog and absolutely no one else. I remember when I had my own apartment and found myself submerged in one of these funks, I could manage to go from Friday night until Monday morning without speaking to a soul. I would turn off my cell phone upon walking in my door, strip off my clothes on the way to the bedroom, immediately jump in my PJs, plant my butt on the couch and only move to let the dogs out. (Typically this occurred during football season so I had game after game to entertain me.) It was glorious. To be completely shut off from the rest of the world, alone with your nothing but your own thoughts. No one to entertain, no one to impress, no one to bother me. I felt like I could just be. It was awesome. To be so secluded from society and only choose to interact on my terms and no one else's. A huge part of me longs for that independence and autonomy again. One of the sacrifices you make when starting a career in HR is your time. You get no time alone to think. I came in at a quarter to 7 this morning so I could try to find even 15 minutes to compose a letter for a recruiting package I was putting together. Fifteen minutes is all I could manage too. Not a minute more. The second someone identified I was in already they pounced like little anxious muskrats. I don't mean to sound bitter or as if I don't appreciate being needed. It's just that I spent a large portion of my life being a huge loner. I was the epitome of a hermit. Even in high school I had a very small close knit group of friends and would rarely socialize in large groups. I chose to only speak up in class, never in the hallways during breaks or after school. I didn't even go to one dance or social activity my entire Senior year. I had no interest. And I guess a piece of me, occasionally, still longs to hide away from everyone. To fade away into the back drop and just blend in, only revealing yourself on your terms, when you're good and ready. I don't ever get a chance to be ready right now. I am on every one else's terms, for their needs. It gets frustrating occasionally and overwhelming. I rarely get angry anymore. When I was younger I had a hair trigger temper (damn the redhair). If I was set off I went for it, no holes barred. And since I have a knack for reading people I would often aim where I knew it would hurt the most. I quickly learned as I got into my 20s that my temper was a weakness, not a weapon. I learned to control it rather then allowing it to control me. These days it takes something pretty significant to get me riled up again (really riled up, not the silly 5 minute rants I spew on this blog). But the last three days I can honestly say I have been livid three times. I mean so mad I couldn't think or talk. So mad that if I spoke I would only spew words that sliced like daggers, going straight for the jugular. Over time I of course have discovered the hateful words that pour from my mouth during my fits of anger would cause irrevocable damage. Thus, I know typically walk away from the situation until I can collect myself and become capable of having a logical conversation. So, today I am stowed away in my office trying desperately to separate myself from the world around me. Just trying to catch a moment to surround myself with nothing but me...listening to Feng Shui music and trying to steal a cathartic moment alone. I like to call days like this my I Hate Everybody Day. Don't be offended by it, take comfort in the fact that at least I hate everybody equally. =)

This is me from last summer. All tan and happy and unemployed for the first time ever in my life (not the tan and happy part, just the unemployed part. I know a look a tad red in this pic but I was fresh out of the pool after I had spent a good 6 hours in the sun. Trust me it was golden brown by the next day. Of course while this was all going on, I wasn't enjoying it. I spent days lounging by the pool, alcoholic beverage of choice in hand (which was Blue Raspberry vodka and lemonade at the time...mmmmm) fretting over my future. I was trying to decide what the f I was going to do with myself since I had been taken off guard by the whole unemployment aspect. (Yep, I got canned.) Should I stay in KC and bust my ass to find something else? Should I move to Omaha and try to find something there, surrounded by the love and support of some very good friends? Or should I head home to CA, tail between my legs, and lean on the fam damily again? Well, now it is apparent what choice I made. And it’s also blatantly obvious I made the wrong choice. Well, kinda sorta, a little. I know that I have basically sacrificed all the other good stuff in my life to advance my career and had I not made the move back here I never would have scored this position. It's not often someone my age is given this kind of an opportunity. How many people actually land something like this fresh out of school with pretty much zero experience? And then in less than a year get promoted? Yeah, I know I should be thanking my lucky stars and all that BS, but sometimes sacrifice kinda blows, while you're actually going through it anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah...if it didn't it wouldn't be much of a sacrifice right? Well that's not going to stop me from bitching about it dammit. =) Although Saturday night while at my dad's house for dinner with my aunts and uncles, it did somewhat dawn on me that I might even be getting good at what I do. One of my uncles is a retired police officer and the other is the Director of Personnel for one of the VA hospitals. (Gee, which one do you think I relate to more? =p ) We were discussing the finacial impact of employee turnover initially which led to a discussion about the expectations of leadership in today's work force. The cop uncle doesn't understand why you can't just fire all the bad manager's and supervisor's and start over with new ones. Well, uhhhh cuz that's more turnover silly rabbit and exspensive and super time consuming. The DoP uncle and I argued because we have a responsibility to train them and teach them how to be better leaders. Someone can be REALLY good at the technical aspect of whatever job they perform and completely suckass at leading people. Forty, even thirty years ago it worked to take those people and move them up the hierarchical ladder within the workplace. Now, as the Baby Boomers transition out of the workforce and my generation (X) moves into management and the one after me move into the "worker bee" spot, this old school "Do it cuz I'm the boss and I said so" management style just doesn't cut it. I could go on and on about this, but I realize its only interesting to those of us that live and die by it daily. My point is, as this conversation was unfolding, I realized I actually know what the fuck I am talking about. Whoa. When did that happen? When did I start sounding all grown up and smart? When did I actually start applying that wealth of knowledge associated with the 4.0 GPA I scored in college? Weeeeeeeeeird. I am one of those freakish people actually using their college education. Ridiculous. So, I guess what I'm saying is utilizing my degree everyday and making significant strides to advance my career is ALMOST as cool as being unemployed and lounging by the pool everyday. Almost, but not quite. Damn I miss Blue Raspberry vodka...

If you get nothing else from reading all my BS, at least give me credit for turning you on to Guyana-Gyal, or GG as her avid readers call her. She writes in a dialect and love every word. Its like you can see her speak the words as you read through her posts. Her description alone intrigues from the minute the words begin to play in your head. She's awesome and you have to check her out!

Honestly, there is nothing worse (today anyway) then realizing you have to pee at the beginning of a really, really long conference call.

Tracie

Kimmy

Kailani

Raggedy

Christen

Minerva Jane

Carmen

Lil Duck Duck

Five-time-mom

You Should Be A Gemini

What's good about you: witty and energetic, you're simply the most fun to be around What's bad about you: you're flighty - losing interest in people and projects quickly In love: you enjoy the "honeymoon phase," but after that it's hard for you to stick around In friendship, you're: likely to have many groups of friends, with many different interests Your ideal job: mime, guru, or cartoonist Your sense of fashion: casual and simple You like to pig out on: fast food, especially burritos

Holy Hell. My family drives me nucking futs. I moved away at the ripe old age of 20 and enjoyed every minute (alright except for the Christmas Eve I spent doing laundry for lack of anything better to do and then locked my keys in the car while it was running and had to take the locksmith away from his Christmas dinner with his family to come and rescue me...) of having them 1500 miles away for 6, almost 7 long years. Halfway through the 6th year I lost my job for the first time ever in my life. I was taken totally off guard by it and was in a panic. My family being, the sharp folks that they are, took advantage of my moment of weakness and convinced me to move back to CA. And I have regretted that decision every fricken' day since I a made it. My best friend warned me against it. She tried to remind me how freakin' nuts they are. But I wouldn't listen. I was convinced that surely, by now they were normal. Yeah, I'm a dumbass. Upon my arrival back after having a total blow up with my Dad's wife after a whole 6 days of living with them I realized time does not cure everything, most definitely not dysfunction and insanity. So, after a week with crazy lady number 1, I move in with my mom and grandmother, a.k.a crazy lady #2 and #3. Within a month I am caught up in a manipulative power struggle between two women who wouldn't know the truth if it walked up and smacked them on the ass. I move out of my grandmother's house and am forced to take my mother with me and rent an apartment under my name. So, I am still stuck with crazy lady #3 and unfortunately crazy lady #1 will never be out of my life. I did manage to seperate myself from number #3 and have yet to speak with her. #1 I can keep somewhat at a distance, but am forced to interact with her whenever I want to see my dad, fuckin' package deal I guess. #3 though, she's the tricky one. You're mother is your mother, nothing you can do can change that. I would have to say my mother is one of the most self centered, needy, co-dependant, dysfunctional people you will ever meet. Now, don't get me wrong, I love her. But make no mistake, she is out for number one. Throughout most of life I have been treated as her equal. Rarely like a child. As I got older, somewhere around 23 or 24 I became the mom and she the child. I have "rescued" her out of more jams then even fathomable. I paid her bills for her when she married a deadbeat, white trash, crooked piece of shit who couldn't keep food on the table. Then when the fucker started smacking her around I dropped everything, took emergency leave from work, and drove out to Las Vegas from Missouri to get her and her belongings and moved her back to live with me. After 6 months of her tormenting me and my boyfriend with guilt trips and her drunken stupors she decides she wants to move back to Vegas. I again take time off work and help her move. She moved in with my uncle who is an alcoholic (this is nothing new, just about everyone in the family is) and would call me frequently to complain about her new living arrangements. Now, life was not hunkey dorey for me either, but I would listen and try to provide moral support. When I would call and want to talk about something that was going on in my life, the conversation always quickly turns back to her. It didn't bother me. It was standard operating procedure with her. When I learned I had secured this recent promotion that would require me to move to TN, I was dreading tell her. Most moms would be very happy for their child. I mean, how many people have the opportunity to become a Regional HR Manager at 28 for a successful company? Not mine. She was livid. How dare I leave her high and dry with no place to live. I assured her that was not my intention and that I would continue to pay my portion of the rent after I moved to help her out until she found a place of her own. This was around the middle of June. By the first week in July she tells me she has signed a lease on a place and will be moving out that weekend. That means I got stuck with the extra rent instead of her. AND I had to help her move all her shit again!! Because she gave me no notice and now my rent was due, I had to borrow money from my Dad to pay it. NOW she e-mails me at work wanting to know when I am going to pay her for my portion of the cell phone bill, "because I talked to your Dad last week (aren't you guys divorced?? Why the fuck are you talking to each other??) and he said you are strapped for cash and he had to pay for part of your rent so does that mean you aren't going to pay me for the cell phone bill because I'm really tight on cash too..." First off you wouldn't be tight on cash if you hadn't left me high and dry on rent! And second, don't fucking e-mail me at work!!!! I have a lot of shit going on at work and they last fucking thing I need is another guilt trip e-mail from YOU. Goddamnitsonofabitchmotherfucker. She drives me fucking nuts and I cannot wait to be 2000 miles away out of the insanity wake zone once again.

You know when you're just moving along through life fairly secure in where you are and more importantly, where you're going and then BAM (thank you Emmril) something happens that turns things a bit topsy turvey. Not completely upside down (yet) but just kind knocks you off kilter. It starts you thinking... Thinking for me is a dangerous thing. I'm one of those people you can tell all day long, "You play with fire, you're going to get burned" and I become a pyro just to see if its true in an inadvertent attempt to prove you wrong. (Maybe its the redhair? The green eyes? The combo of the two?) Anyway, bottom line: I'm reaching out for the flame and although I can feel my skin start to get uncomfortably warm, singeing it...but I'm not backing away. I just keep moving closer... SO, with that in mind, here is a dream I had last night: I was sitting at the kitchen table wearing nothing but one of your old button up shirts, my hair disheveled from the events of the previous evening and well into the early morning hours... I'm tightly grasping a coffee cup filled to the brim with dark caffeinated goodness. The morning light is streaming in through the curtain framed window. I sit patiently allowing the caffeine to work its way through my system and assist in keeping the slightest touch of a hangover at bay from a tad too much wine the night before. You're (or at least what I perceive to be you) standing at the stove in a pair of plaid boxers and a white cotton tea that nicely hugs your muscular shoulders and biceps. You're chattering away with a spatula in your hand as eggs sizzle in the skillet. The words flow from your lips naturally, comfortably, consistently with only an interjected "Mmhmm...yeah...right" from me along with an occasional head nod for good measure to give the perception of active listening. But I'm not...listening. I'm too caught up in the surroundings and you standing there...with a spatula in your hand...making me breakfast...after a night of complete bliss. It all seems so commonplace, but completely surreal at the same time. I feel like a distant observer, watching the events play on an old projector screen. I remember thinking over and over in my mind, "Is this really happening? Is this being that epitomizes masculinity really standing their cooking me eggs and chatting with me like we've been in matrimonial bliss for years? Odd. But at the same time extremely sexy. I manage to escape my mind and the thoughts whirling about in it and bring myself back to the moment. I make a conscious effort to stop thinking and just act. I set down my coffee and walk toward you. You haven't noticed my movement yet. You're still focused on the eggs, spatula in hand, and talking away. I creep toward you like a lioness focused on her prey. I approach from behind, reaching around I attempt to grab the spatula from your hand. You begin to turn toward me with a look of startled interest. As you turn I grab your t-shirt and pull you toward me. Standing on my tippee toes to lessen the distance between our lips, I lean into you. When our lips meet I begin to pull you back toward the table while ravaging your mouth with my own. I let out a quiet giggle as I realize you still have that damn spatula in your hand. The back of my legs bump up against the table. I reach a hand down and strategically lift myself up to sit on it, never allowing our lips or tongues to part for a moment. Safely propped on the table top I wrap my legs around your waist and pull you down with me. You finally drop the spatula and send the coffee to the floor with one swoop of your hand. We begin to relive pieces of the prior evening all over again. The emotions this time, however, are more raw. The feelings and the passion no longer fuzzy from a wine induced haze. Afterward, drenched in morning light and a slight layer of perspiration, we just sit and revel in all of it. The feeling, the bliss, the erotic pleasure, the contentment the...satisfaction. The satisfaction of physical and emotional hunger that can only be quieted when two people finally find each other. BZZZZZZ BZZZZZZ BZZZZZZ The alarm goes off. Damn, back to reality. As I sluggishly walk toward the bathroom, I can still taste you on my lips. As I'm undressing to get in the shower I swear I catch a whiff of burnt eggs in the distance...=)

I love the way this guy writes. He can write something deep and soul baring and then turn around and write a well thought out movie review. All wrapped up in one person...I'm jealous. =) Here's an excerpt from a recent post:

Christ, I thought you were the one. It was stupid, I know, to put so much faith and blind disillusionment into the idea but I just couldn't help falling for you with everything I had. When I hear your name I want to drown myself in drinks and pray I don't wake up. Right now as I write this, tears are swelling up behind my eyes and all I can seem to think about is your laugh and the cheeky smirk that would often dance across your lips when delivering a joke or sarcastic comment. God dammit, I miss you. This is ridiculous - no matter how much time I allow for this wound to heal, it will never scab over. I keep picking at it, and for the life of me I don't know how to stop. I'll never be fixed. I hate myself for falling for you - my first real heartache.

I once broke up with a guy by saying, "I'm tired of kissing a frog hoping he will turn into a prince." It was classic...that and the look on his face. Jerk. Anyway, I was bemused to see that I am not the only one that relates the perils of dating to a fairytale. Check out this post from Shanndoll for her perfect assessment on this dilemma most women face at some point in their lives.

Ahhh crap. Not only is The Seagull in a deplorable mood, but he is also NOT leaving and going to be gone the whole week. He cancelled his week long trip back to corporate, so he could "take care of things here." This is not good people, not good at all... I think a storms a brewin'... I wouldn't mind a brief summer storm, if I was lying in my bungalo overlooking the ocean off the coast of Bora Bora. It just seems like everything would be easier to handle if you were surrounded by this everyday.

(Holy Hell Its Monday) A whole cappucino and a package of cookies later and I am still dragging ass. *Sigh* Not sure what my deal is. Alright, so it may have something to do with staying up until 11 playing on the computer, but other than that I don't get it. =p Monday's are a serious bitch around here, and not just for the obvious reasons either. The company I work for processes payroll weekly. I know what you're thinking, "Wow, so you get paid every week? That's so cool." No it's not. It sucks ass. Processing payroll weekly for almost 5000 employees is nuts, just plain psychotic I tell you. Payroll is an excruciating process and magnifying that times 5000 is suicide. We only, currently, have around 200 employees in my region, yet this process still takes most of my time and attention on Monday mornings. There is a mad dash to try and get everything approved in time and I must get 20 e-mails before 8am stating the time keeping system is being a pain in the ass. Its a quirky system anyway and then you throw around 200 supervisors and managers on it at the same time every Monday and it goes Coocoo for Coco Puffs. SO, I try very hard to come in uber prepared every Monday for a typhoon of problems, amply armed for the scramble to get everything corrected and approved by the cut off time. (Which is an insanely small timeframe because our corporate office is two hours ahead of us). The Seagull also tends to come on fast and furious on Monday mornings as well. And to only amplify this more, he is only in for a few hours today before leaving for the week. (Woohooo, I will be finagling some early departures later in the week.) He has already swooped in to take a crap in me numerous times already this morning. Recruiting is totally out of control right now, thus the reason behind most of his dive bomb attacks. We are growing so fast I cannot possibly keep up and still try to locate decent candidates. But of course, being The Seagull that he is, he doesn't care. Just get a warm body in the door, I'll yell at you later when they suck and screw everything up. Unfortunately, he has quite the knack for pinning anything and everything back to crappy recruiting efforts. Ah, well. What the hell do I care? Can you say, "Shortimers?" =) Anyway, I had a lovely weekend that involved lots of doing absolutely nothing. It was fabulous. And can I just say that Ellen Degeneres and George Karlin are total geniuses?! Freakin' hysterical I tell ya. I was laughing so hard last night while watching some of their performances on DVD, I could hardly talk. Nothing like a good deep down belly laugh to cleanse the soul.

Things have settled down for the time being it appears at work. The Seagull is not currently in the vacinity so we are all free to joke and talk like normal people. That is a welcomed preprieve after the events of this week. I am in a pretty good mood. Just a bit tired and anxiously awaiting the opportunity to sleep in tomorrow! The Wicked Witch of the West (i.e. my dad's wife) is turning 60 tomorrow and he is throwing her a surprise party. BARF. Ahh well, at least there will be good eats and free alcohol to get me through the night. Sunday I have to help my mom finish moving into her new place. I don't mind too terribly much, even though she demands it basically rather than asking. But what's new about that? I have been invited to go out for drinks tonight with a few people after work. But I am pretty adament about not drinking in front of co-workers. Quite frankly, nothing good can ever come from it. Although a Velvet Rootbeer sure does sound tasty... I have a million things I need to get done today, but of course, can find the motivation to complete none of them. Part of me wants to still sit and lick the emotional wounds left from the week. I am just so disappointed in several folks that I have known for quite some time and expected more from. (yesterday's incident was not the only thing that sucked ass this past week). I suppose that will go away eventually and there will be more times that I will be disappointed in people I work with. But that doesn't seem to make it suck any less.

My day was going alright. I started it off with 32 ounces of Mt. Dew, thus lime green sugary goodness was flowing nicely through my veins by 8:30am. I felt I could conquer all, well, at least until I crashed of the caffeine high anyway. At around 11:30am a supervisor grabs me and states an associate came up to him and reported that she noticed her car keys were missing so she went out to her car only to discover someone had used them to get into the car and steal money, credit cards and her cell phone. We immediately headed to the back where we keep the screen for the survellence camera. We rewound the footage and were able to at least see what the person was wearing who committed the crime, so we could then move on to identifing the culprit. Myself, the sup and the manager walk out of the back office and are about to head out to the break area to start scoping out what people are wearing when the manager pulls me back. She states she thinks the sup knows who is it and is trying to protect the person. I, of course, ask why. "Well, it's umm, errr, it's his brother." What the fuck did you just say?????? His fucking brother????? I am immediately livid. This supervisor asked me to request this kid from the temp agency a week prior. I didn't think anything of it. This happens quite often as they will know people through previous employment and want to bring them on here. But his mother fucking brother???? This is a HUGE policy violation. You can't have anyone related to you ANSWERING to you, temp or otherwise. WTF!?!?! This guy is a new supervisor and one I personally recommended for the position, which was a promotion. We have an excellent repoir and I think a lot of him. To learn that he had gone behind my back to pull something like this, which ended up in this predicament just had me seeing nothing but blood red. Anyone else, the cops are called immediately. Now I have this manger asking me to let the supervisor handle it. WHAT???? Fuck you! Now you have my ass on the line, because now I know about. At this point the supervisor is out in the parking lot talking to his brother the fucking theif. I walk over and tell them to get in my office now. I send the kid in and pull the supervisor and manager aside. "You can't have any part in this now. You're judgement is skewed because its your brother. I can't have you apart of what goes on from here with this kid." The supervisor is just beside himself. He knows he fucked up. He knows he got himself in a bind, me in one, his manager in one, the company in one. I go into my office where the kid is sitting, the manager follows. I read him the riot act. I managed to maintain my professionalism but it was clear I was pissed beyond recognition. I took all from the angle of how bad he screwed his brother (the supervisor) over by doing this and he's at risk of losing his job now. "You wanna go ahead and screw up your life by being an idiot and doing something like this? Fine, but you need to look around on the consequences your actions have on those around you. You screwed yourself and you screwed your brother." After I had successfuly brought him to tears with the promise of a felony indictment and years of hard time in the federal penatentary where he would be Lloyd's personal bitch I left my office with the manager. I wanted that kid to sit and suffer. I wanted him to be alone with no distraction and just let the guilt and reality of what he did eat him from the inside out. I come back in and told him I had no choice, but to call the police. I called the non-emergency number here for the local sheriff's department and they sent someone out immediately. The deputy came in and I immediately went to greet him. As I extended my hand I said, "I'm son-n-so, HR Manager. I want you to scare the shit out of this kid." He replied, "Not a problem." Oh yes, you and I, we're going to get along just fine. I gave him the lowdown, explained I had gotten a confession out of the kid and currently had him in my office in tears. Mark one down for me.

The sherrif read him the riot act, even read him his rights and called in his info to the dispatcher to be ran through the system. The kid stated he had no ID. I said, "Well then how did you get hired through the staffing company? You have to provide IDs for your I-9." The mother fucking idiot was here illegally to boot. And his brother fucking knew he had used someone else's Resident Alien card to register.

I am so fucking pissed...livid is the only word that could even remotely do justice to how mad I am. More on this later...I'm too fucking irritated to even continue to write.

13 Things That I Will Always Find Sexy (forever and ever, Amen.):

1) Guys on Motorcylces

2) Firefighters

3) Cops

4) Any guy in a uniform for that matter...

5) A muscular back (not backside, but back...although those are nice too...=)

6) Althletic legs

7) Dark hair and light skin

8) Broody artistic singer types like Adam Levine.

9) Jack Johnson's voice.

10) A man all choked up with emotion

11) Boxer Briefs

12) Quick wit

13) A guy interacting with his puppy dog. Awwwwww

*Scroll down for a bonus Thursday Thirteen (yes, kids I'm a wacky wacky girl and did two!)

Visit these other Thursday Thirteens:

Stacie

Beck

Kailani

Armywife

Lil Duck Duck

Red

Thirteen Catch Phrases used by The Seagull regularly and their meanings: 1) "I don't want their focus to be diluted...", i.e. I don't want you to get so busy that you are no longer at my beckon call. 2) "Someone's going to have to fall on the sword for this one...", i.e. I need a sacrificial lamb to take the blame for this screw up I caused. 3) "You threw me under the bus on that one.", i.e. you didn't give me enough warning so I could lie my way out of it. 4) "Operationally speaking, he's a very stong manager.", i.e. people are going to hate him, but he will make me money. 5) "The account seems to be experiencing some morale issues.", i.e. people hated him and are quitting which is now costing me money. 6) "We need to divide and conquer.", i.e. I need to have everyone in charge of one specific area so it's easier to blame someone else when I screw stuff up. 7) "Salvage this and get it back on track.", i.e. I screwed this up and now I need you to fix it. 8) "I know you're green...", i.e. You're young and dumb. 9) "Mitigate, mitigate, mitigate." (This is always sent in response to a request for time off.), i.e. I better not notice you're gone or have to deal with anything in your absence or you will never have a day off again. 10) "They've had some challenges.", i.e. everythings all f'ed up and someone's going to be "falling on the sword" soon so I can say it wasn't my fault. 11) "We need to deal with this internally...", i.e. I don't want corporate to know I screwed this up. 12) "This doesn't leave this room...", i.e. I am going to say something I shouldn't, but you can't sue me later because I threw out that disclaimer. 13) "They've forced me to have to take action.", i.e. Somebody has to get fired before I get blamed for it.

His name is actually Ky, but I call him Baby Kitty for the time being. He's so stinkin' cute and one of the sweetest cats I have ever owned.

I feel like I have been through a battle today, like a war was waged and I was the commanding general leading the troops on the frontline. However, it wasn't completely clear as to who the enemy was. I am not certain if I was battling my fellow members of management on behalf of the hourly associates or if I was fighting to save the hourlys from themselves. I've been here for ten hours, which isn't all that bad really. But during these ten hours I have recommended two terminations, witnessed two write ups, watched numerous sheep lose faith in their shepherd, and several shepherd lose faith in their sheep and watched a bull lead the herd to slaughter. This is one of those days that as you sit back and reflect, you can't pinpoint one thing you did that improved the quality of anything around you. I can't think of one person that I managed to help today. I can't think of one person who's day was brightened by something I did or said. Its days like this that make you ponder, "What the hell is the point? What the hell difference am I making? Why am I here?" Surrounded by complete chaos all day I let it consume me instead of taking a stand against it. I'm not sure if there was something I could have done. A different action I could have taken or still should that would change the outcome of several downward spirals I see beginning. How do you save someone from writing their own eulogy? Should you even try? It gets to a point when they hang themselves and you can't do anything but let them dangle, I guess. I know that tomorrow is a a new day and the sun'll come out and all that BS. But that doesn't stop the wounds from today from smarting or the jaded scar that will remain even after this day is a faint memory.

I am always a little taken aback when I learn that someone in the workplace, or I guess anywhere for that matter, has a "thing" for me. This happened once a few weeks ago with a co-worker. His is a super nice guy and a total goof like me, so I tend to kid with him a great deal. Someone pointed out to me during one of our standard jabbing sessions that it was obvious he had a crush on me. I just tried to laugh it off. Not sure if I was successful however since I was blushing profusely by that point. Today it happened again. I was talking with a manager about a behavioral issue with one of her associates and out of the blue she says, "you know so-n-so has a crush on you, right?" Eh? What? Who? ME? Naaaaaahhhh, shut up. Typically I just try to throw out a joke and rapidly change the subject, but the cheeks never lie kids. I was blushin' like a virgin on her weddin' night (read that last analogy with a hillbilly accent, its better that way). Then I feel all awkward and weird around them after that. I'm completely self-conscious and overly cautious when ever speaking with them after I become "aware." I totally can't listen to anything I say after that because I am too busy questioning every little thing I am saying and doing instead of paying attention to the conversation. "Oh shit, did that sound sexual when I asked him why my network printer is not responding to my requests to print from the database??? DAMN me and my underlying, unconscious flirtiness!" It's rough stuff I tell ya. This most recent revelation is one of the most startling thus far as I will be working with this particular crusher's wife in my new role with the company. HELLO, can you say AWKWARD??? It's kind of funny...back in my single days my friends referred to me as The Pickup Artist. No matter where we were at I could manage to find men and get them to join the group I was with. I could secure dates with minutes, arrange for free drinks after circling a bar room once and even finagle free cab rides after a few moments of conversation whether it was intentional or not. 90% of the time getting something free was not my intent. I did it more for the ego boost and entertainment factor more than anything else. (Man! Could I tell you some stories!) I am an innate flirt. I don't mean too, it just happens. I am a total people person and can usually find something to connect with just about anyone... a common interest, goal, story, hobby, etc. which can tend to come off as flirting. I can get just about anybody talking...just ask That Boy. He was one of the shiest people I had ever met and it was actually his friend that started talking with me and flirting initially. But I saw That Boy as more of a challenge. I made it my goal to get him to talk and flirt back with me. And well, whatya know? It worked. Anyway, those days are most likely behind me now, but every once in awhile I guess the completely innocent flirt still rears her head unexpectedly and leaves me blushing.

Green Eyed Monster Me

God Bless the man, tribe, etc. who discovered the coffee bean and decided it would be good to grind the stuff up, add some liquid and slurp it down. My Monday mornings would never be right with out them. Now if Starbucks would implement IV drips for those of us who could not care less about the flavor and are only after the buzz...

I know I just did something kind of sorta a bit like this recently, but tough. It's my blog and I'll talk about myself if I want to (sing that to the tune from It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To and it's much funnier ). And yes, I stole this from someone's elses blog. You don't really expect me to have an ounce of orginality, do you??? ;) 1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? No, but I can't say I would mind terribly, if I got to choose the cop. HA 2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?Although I know this should be a simple yes or no answer, we're talking about me here and I am hardly ever simple. SO, I do close my eyes if it is a roller coaster that I have never been on OR if I have ridden it before but there is a big scary drop that makes me want to pee my pants, I close my eyes then too. (Pretty sure I have mentioned before that I am a daredevil in a wussy way. Yeah, just try to figure out how I pull that off. =)) 3. When's the last time you've been sledding? Oh man, it's been awhile. And that's sad because its a damn good time. 4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? Wow, I could interpret this question a few different ways. However, I shall answer from the perspective that the question refers to actual sleep =p I would rather sleep with someone. Can't beat the comfort and security of snuggling up to a warm body in the middle of the night. 5. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes, and actually I have been infatuated with them since I was very young and have read a ton of information (fact and fictional) on the subject. 6. Do you consider yourself creative? Not really although I envy creative people and wish I was. 7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? LOL, yes. And if I ever plan on murdering someone, I will make darn sure I am famous enough to get away with it. Thanks OJ for that important life lesson. 8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? For what? My answer would change depending on what the intent is here. If we were referring to a lesbian encounter I would say Angelina. If we are talking about who I think would make a better best friend I would say Jennifer. 9. Do you stay friends with your exes? Some. The ones that made better friends than lovers. 10. Do you know how to play poker? Yes, especially good at strip. 11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Close to it. Once when I flew to Japan and another time when I just partied too much (ahhhh, the younger days). I like sleep WAY too much to ever try it now. 12. What's your favorite commercial? The verizon wireless commercials with the whole network walking around behind the people. Also, the UPS commercials where they try to get Dale Jarrett (Nascar driver) to drive one of the big brown trucks in a race. 13. What are you allergic to? Dogs and cats actually. Doesn't stop me from having them though. 14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights? No, been pulled over too many times for that. Cops are sneaky. 15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? Yes and no, I am not going to spill it now. 16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Ewwwww the Yankees??? GROSS. Boston 17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Yes a few times and I like it especially when you go with someone that falls a lot. Its a good laugh and an excellent ice breaker (HA, couldn't resist) for a first date. 18. How often do you remember your dreams? Often. Not always the exact visions, but always the feelings associated with what occurred in them. 19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? At work. I am more of a cut up at work and when I can get someone else going I usually join them. I am good at painting some funny visuals involving my co-workers. And yes, this is very unHRish (made that word up). 20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Uhhh..I can try: Can't Buy Me Love, Hey Jude, Hard Days Night, Yellow Submarine and....uhhhh...mmmmm...well...OH YEAH Eight Days a Week. w00t, I did it. =) 21. What's the one thing on your mind now? My caffeine buzz is gone =( 22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is? I didn't until I googled it right now. I love google. 23. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes. In CA they can pull you over for no other reason then not wearing it and it is a hefty fine of up to $300. 24. What cell service do you use? Verizon for home and Sprint for work. 25. Do you like sushi? No, no matter how many times my dad makes me try it. 26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? Possibly, but if so, I can't remember the specific circumstances. And how would I know if it was fatal if I avoided it? 27. What do you wear to bed? Depends. In the winter flannel bottoms and a sweatshirt. I HATE being cold when I sleep. During the summer usually a t-shirt. 28. Been caught stealing? No 29. What shoe size do you have? 6, wittle feet. 30. Do you truly hate anyone? I can't say that I do. Hate requires directing a lot of negative energy toward someone and I don't have any energy to spare. 31. Classic Rock or Rap? Probably prefer rock. Although the Humpty Dance and I Like Big Butts are always good. 32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? Hmmm, well. Not sure. Maybe Dominic Purcell or Wentworth Miller from Fox's tv series Prison Break. 33. Favorite Song? Changes regularly, but right now I like Dani California - Red Hot Chili Peppers, Down in Mississippi and Up to No Good - Sugarland, and Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers. 34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? Not in front of the mirror, but definitely in the shower. 35. What food do you find disgusting? Honestly, hamburger. Any kind of meat that has been ground up. Can't eat it, haven't be able to since I was young. Something about the texture makes me barf. 36. Do you sing in the shower? Uh DUH, were you not paying attention to #34?? Geez. =p 37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"? Sure...still do 38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? Probably in high school. Who didn't? 39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? Yes, everyday. It's my job. 40. Have you ever been punched in the face? I have actually, twice.

I think I almost enjoy reading the comments section of blogs more then the posts at times. Someone that goes by the name of Richard posted this comment in response to a post on a heavily trafficked/popular blog and it just seems to summarize exactly what I am feeling these days:

Welcome to the world of the awakened. You see the difference and long for the old while the new has yet to take shape. This is the shedding of the skin of the old illusion of what you hid behind and as yet the new has yet to harden. You want answers or questions to find them out for yourself? Beautifully stated and exactly what I suppose is going on in my life currently. The funny thing is I looked up this Richard's blog and it's nothing but pictures he has taken. Beautiful pictures mind you, but completely devoid of prose. If Richard combined his knack for taking exquisite photos with his ability to summarize the angst of millions of twenty somethings he would be the most brilliant blogger to ever bless the blogging world, in my eyes anyway. Richard, wherever you are, please grace us with more of your quitessential wisdom pronto man. I'm at work today. Yeah, nothin' better than coming in on a Saturday as a salaried associate. Typically I wouldn't mind too horribly much, but as I was walking in this morning capuchinno in hand what do I see? The Seagull and in shorts nonetheless. Bloody Hell. What the f is he doing here? This is my day of reprieve. Don't have like some pricey golf game to play or something? And for the love of God cover those detestable twigs you call legs up. No one needs to see that, especially when they should be at home still in bed. And having the slightest bit of a rebellious nature (its the red hair) I am now posting instead of doing what I can in to get done so I can get the f out. Had he not been here my motivation would have soared and my whole To Do list would have been completed in a matter of hours. But I see him and my motivation and desire to get anything that could be considered even remotely productive is zapped. Bastard.

She said I would not understand. She left a note that said I'm sorry I had a bad day again. There are days where she feels like if she stops moving she might never start again. Days that go by in a blur. Everyone needs her. "Please do this now" "Can you do this for me?" "Did you find out about that yet?" Pulled in a million different directions, wanting to help everyone but successfully managing to help no one. If she stops for a moment, to think, to reflect she might lose her nerve...runaway...escape. Escape....ahhhhh. When will it come? When will the constant pressure of being needed, being the rock, the chearleader, the shoulder, stop?When can she get just one day to herself? She thinks back to this time last year. She had all the time in the world to think, reflect, escape. She took it for granted, she always does...until its no more. Then she wants it back. She longs for it, she breathes for it. But she can't go back. She can't return to that one bedroom apartment that was messy, undecorated and one hundred percent hers. She no longer comes home to just two little dogs needing nothing more from her then to just be. She can't begin stripping down the moment the front door closes leaving the clothes on the floor in a trail. She can't rush to put on her pjs and sit soundly in front of the cableless TV passing countless hours reveling in the comfort, the isolation, the autonomy. The one bedroom apartment meant much more than she ever realized at the time. It stood for independence, it stood for self indulgence, youth, vitality...it stood for everything she was and some things she still wanted to be. Now she leaves the countless number of needy beings behind each evening at 5 only arrive to home to more needy beings. They need. They remind. They want help. What will we do about this? How will we pay for that? Did you do this today? Did you handle that yet? STOP. She just wants to get away. She wants for than the 30 minute car ride to be alone with her thoughts. She wants to feel young, fearless and alive again. She's only a year older. What changed? Was it the move back to her roots? Is it being surrounded by her all consuming family again? Her clinging mother? The new job? The relationship she is in? Or is it just her? Did she some where along the way make an unconscious decision to leave what she once was behind? Is this all there is? Will she submit herself to this life, allowing the pressure to only grow as she adds possibly marriage and kids to the equation? Does she really enjoy this stifling, no suffocating feeling of being responsible, dependable, mature, professional...tied down. She doesn't know. She can't analyze it. She hasn't the time. There are bills to pay, memos to type, policies to create, payroll to submit and there are people...everywhere needy people.

I found this on another person's blog so of course I stole it =). PART ONE: You and your life 1. Were any other names considered for you at birth? Thomas (I was supposed to be a boy and named after my grandpa. So, when I came out a girl they just let my grandpa name me instead.) 2. So how old will you be this year? 29 *sigh* What is your astrological sign? Sagittarius 4. Do you check your horoscopes regularly, and do you believe in them? No and a smidge 5. What are your typical [starsign] qualities? A born traveler, people person, ambitious, flighty, independent. 7. Who are you compatible with? Not really sure...although I know I'm not compatible with Taurus because that's what my ex-husband was. 8. What kind of house do you live in? Icky 2 bedroom apartment 9. Who do you live with? That Boy 10. How is your bedroom decorated? Tropical 11. Do you have posters on the walls? No, pictures of tropical places. 12. Are your parents still together? No 13. So what kind of person are you, in the good ways? Insightful, ambitious, quick-witted. 14. And in the bad ways? Stubborn and a procrastinator 15. In what ways do you annoy people? See #14 16. What are your strengths? Optimism 17. What are your weaknesses? Not a planner and no self discipline/will power 18. Are you easily depressed? No 19. What makes you depressed? PMS, failing, not following my insticts 20. Are you easily paranoid? No 21. What is your current mood? I’m alright 22. Who are your close friends? Shauna Who are your favorite friends to talk with when you are upset? Shauna or Jerod, they make me laugh. PART TWO: APPEARANCES 1. Insert a picture of yourself here: Hehe, you're silly. Not a chance 2. How important is the way you look to you? More than I would like it to be 3. How self-conscious are you when it comes to your appearance? Pretty self-conscious 4. How tall/short are you? 5’2” 5. What color hair do you have? Auburn (Dark Red) 6. How long is it? Pretty short, just below my chin 7. What would you call your body shape? Definitely a pear, not a big one but one all the same. 8. Are you happy with it? Uh yeah, not so much. 9. How do you dress, and why? comfortable, because I can move around easier. =) 10. How long ago did you start dressing this way? Forever and always 11. Do your friends dress similarly to you? Pretty much 12. How is the way you dress reflective of your personality? I'm pretty easy going 13. What parts of your appearance do people compliment? Eyes and smile, and sometimes hari color. Everybody loves a redhead...I think. ;) 14. What parts of your appearance do people insult? Thankfully I am not around to hear PART THREE: HOBBIES 1. What do you do for a living? HR 2. Are you happy with what you do? Mostly 3. What are your hobbies? Reading, playing with my puppy, online gaming 4. Name everything you love: Everything? Get real. Just a few: Puppies, sunrises, inspiration. 5. Name everything you hate: California 6. What kind of people do you love: Open minded, disciplined, mentally strong 7. What kind of people do you hate: Pessmists PART FOUR: MUSIC 1. I know it's a chore, but list your favorite bands and musicians here: The Wreckers, Jack Johnson, Beck, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Zakk Wylde, Miranda Lambert 2. Your favorite genres: Country, Alternative 3. Any favorite favorite songs? Right now (it changes regularly) Leave the Pieces When You Go - The Wreckers and all time fav is At Last by Etta James 4. Albums? Stand Still, Look Pretty - The Wreckers and Stadium Arcadium - Red Hot Chili Peppers 5. Your favorite lyrics? Depends on my mood, I typically post a lot of them on here. 6. What band do you listen to when you want to feel happy? Rock usually, like Nickle Back or Alternative like Modest Mouse 7. The most depressive music? Sarah McLachlan, but I love her stuff anyway 8. Any favorite music videos? This'll take ya way back - Aha "Take Me On" 9. Are you in a band? LMAO, no. Not musically inclined whatsoever. 10. If so, what is it called? n/a 11. If you are not in a band do you want to be? No, I don't like to be the center of attention 12. If the answers yes, what would you call it? Just for fun - Postal Suicide (just came up with that on the fly =) 13. What would your part be in the band? I would have to play the drums. I'd get to me the super cool quite one in the back that can rock out. 14. What kind of music would you play? Alternative 15. Who would be in your band? People with more talent than me 16. What would your music videos be like? Dark 17. What kind of songs would you write? Alternative uh yeah cuz we'd be an alternative band. 18. Can you write songs/music? ROFL, no, not even a little one. 19. What would the vocals be like/what kind of singers? Something catchy like Modest Mouse or Death Cab for Cutie 20. What instruments would the music have? The basics (I am so NOT creative!) PART FIVE: LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS, ETC 1. Seeing anybody right now? Yeah 2. The obvious question: Straight/bi/gay: Straight 3. Do you have crushes? Yes 4. If so, do you like them for their personality, or for their appearance? Honestly, their personality 5. Celebrity crushes: David Boreanaz and Chris O'Donnell 6. Ever been in love? Yes 7. Are you now? Pretty sure I am 8. How confident are you when it comes to relationships? I'm confident in myself with relationships, but not necessarily the relationship itself. 9. Do you know if anybody likes you? pretty sure I do 10. What would be most important to you in a relationship? Personalities that mesh well together and someone who I feel has my back at all times. 11. Your ideal guy/girl, personality: Relaxed and confident 12. Your ideal guy/girl, appearance: Stockier build dark hair and light eyes. 13. What's more important to you, appearance or personality? Duh, I'm not 21 anymore, personality. 14. What are your turn ons? Confidence, and a strong meaty back ;) 15. Turn offs: insecurity and quick tempers 16. Fetishes: None really 17. Fantasies: Not gonna tell ya 18. How dirty-minded are you? depends on my mood 19. What would you rule out in relationships? whips and chains LOL 20. What kind of things would you like to share in common? an optomistic outlook on life 21. Does any particular dress sense turn you on? Not to be sterotypical, but a uniform 22. Do you remember your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah 23. The most romantic songs you can think of? At Last 24. The sexiest bands? eh? Don't think bands are really all that sexy... 25. The sexiest singing voices? Lead singer of Staind PART SIX: MOVIES, TV etc 1. What are your favorite movies? The Notebook (bawl like a baby at the end), What Lies Beneath (a good thriller that isn't too gory) Singin' in the Rain (I love old musicals) 2. What kind of movies do you love to watch, and why? Romantic Comedies because they are the perfect combo and a nice escape from reality and musicals because I wish I could be so talented. 3. What kind of movies DON'T you watch, and why? Horror - way too overly active imagnination that will keep me up at night after I watch one of these (i.e. I am a wuss) 4. Favorite actors: Mmmmm, well uhhhh Matt Damon I guess and Gene Kelly 5. Favorite actresses: Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock and Rachel McAdams 6. Most romantic movie you've seen and one of your favorites: The Notebook, duh 7. The saddest movie you've seen and one of your favorites: Dead Man Walking and I Am Sam (Sean Penn always playing the super sad roles) 8. If you could have starred in any of your favorite movies, which one would it be, why, and what character would you be? The Notebook (sensing a theme yet?) because its a classic love story about a passionate love and is a testament that love endures all. I would be Allie. Or Some Where in Time. That is a awesome story too. I would be Jane Seymour in that one because the heroine in romantic movies always gets the guy at the end. 10. TV Shows you watch: Cops (LOVE that show, have since I was ten) 11. Cartoons you watch: Ah man, I have to admit I like cartoons? I catch a lot of the saturday morning ones because I am easily amused. PART SEVEN: THE END 1. So, how was it? Super duper long 2. Did you enjoy it? Sure, who doesn't enjoy talking/writing about themselves? 3. What's the time now? day time 4. What was your favorite section? The one with the questions 5. Any last words? Uhhh yeah: It ain't easy bein' cheesy. =)

HA HA HA, I like this banner. Its representative of how I feel today (minus the cantaloupe boobs, however.)

Thirteen Random Thoughts Inside Moi's Head:

1) 8am is too early for meetings on sexual harassment and appropriate attire in the workplace.

2) A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

3) I hate pessimists. It'll all work out, stop whining.

4) I have developed a nice innocent crush on someone online. It makes me happy (but not in the creepy I'm going to leave reality all behind and run off with him sort of way).

5) Keeping track of the payroll for massive amounts of temporary associates is overwhelming and makes me want to pull out handfuls of my shiny auburn locks.

6) I love my new baby kitty.

7) My neighbors are idiots.

8) A velvet rootbeer from BJs Brewhouse would be awesome tonight (homemade rootbeer and vanilla vodka with whip cream on top...mmmmm)

9) There are people around me dealing with much worse issues than I am. I need to remember that.

10) The guy in charge of North Korea is a moron.

11) I find myself wanting to say, "There was this one time, at band camp..." during awkward silences in meetings at work. (That makes me laugh just thinking about it right now. =)

12) I think I had the most fun when I was 24.

13) I have moved more than 25 times since I turned 19 (I'm 28 now) and yet I am getting ready to move again, 2000 miles away. *sigh*

Other Thursday Thirteens to visit:

reverberate58

jen

presentstorm

sobeit

Tricia

Karen

Carmen

tlc

great day

Kailani

Red

patentprincess

Listen here people: We are not ever going to have another holiday on a Tuesday again. I absolutely, positively forbid it. It's like slamming a poor unsuspecting gal with two Mondays in one week and the second is worse than the first because you are scrambling to catch up with less days to do it in. Ick. Fooey even. I came in this morning looking like I either a) had severe allergies or b) had been bawling my eyes out all night. Neither of which were the case, I just was simply not prepared to come back in to work. I didn't do a damn thing while I was off (I see the look of mock shock and surprise on your face, stop mocking me! =)), but it doesn't mean I was anymore prepared for this most heinous Monday #2. To top it all off The Seagull (new name for the bastard boss, please see this post for an explanation) swooped in first thing this morning to yell at me about not having recruited for a position I didn't know existed. Damn Magic Eighball must not be working again. You know, the one that is supposed to read his mind for me and reveal to me all the things he forgets to verbally tell me but that I am still accountable for. There are simply not enough hours in the day. I had five interviews today along with a kid who had a breakdown of sorts in my office after being told his father is in the end stages of liver failure (alcoholism). Wow, whatta day. But I did learn something new today however. The busier I am, the happier I am. I need to get my ass in gear more often.

Reason #14 why I hate my boss: He is never wrong. YOU are wrong and obviously misunderstood what he said even though you are 100% SURE that you did exactly what he told you to do. #15: He swoops in like a seagul, craps on everything you've done, and swoops back out. Bastard.