Superfluous Baloney

It dawned on me this morning that in the next week or so I will know whether or not I am moving across the country yet AGAIN. I have moved over 25 times in my life. Why do I move so much? Just don't want to turn into my mother, running from my problems all the time. Speaking of her, I have yet to tell her about the impending potential of moving over 1500 miles away from her again. I know, I know. Shut it. I have heard it from everyone, "You really need to tell her. What are you going to do, wait until the last minute???" To which I respond, "NO, Gawd (insert best Napoleon Dynamite impersonation here) I'll do it when I feel like it." I'll get around to it dammit, as soon as everyone stops bugging me about it. Yes, this is my childish, stubborn side talking but Geez, lay off a girl already. I have enough crap on my plate without watching her have a nervous break down on top of it. But anyway, it really sunk in this morning and man did I get some butterflies. This is scary stuff. I mean I used to move when I was younger without a moments hesitation. Now, the thought is drastically more frightening. I guess that's a sign of growing up, huh? EWWWWWWWW. Gross. Who wants to do that? I don't want to feel all old and responsible and scared to make big changes in my life. I want to remain the dare devil that throws caution to the wind and picks up everything to seek out bigger and better things. But I guess that's all part of life. The older you get the more change scares you. But how do you keep it from reaching an incapacitating level? I don't want to be one of those stubborn old people who refuses to accept the transitions from the "old ways" into the "new ways." Is there a way to prevent oneself from succumbing to that mentality? Some how I don't think my standard sticky note reminders will do the trick in this scenario...

In life it is fairly standard to expect that some you come in contact with, particularly professional, are hell bent on poking you in the eye as often and regularly as possible. I don't have a problem with that, some people are insecure and petty and need to regularly distribute eye pokes to feel as though they have "put someone in their place." By all means, please do so if that's what you need in order to sleep at night. However, every once in awhile this person is in a position that provides them more ample opportunities to administer their eye poking and cc: your boss on each and every one. I can handle that once in awhile, but as of late these incidences are occurring with greater frequency. Mind you, this is partially my fault as I have been distracted lately (maybe the potential of moving across the country again, perhaps?) and have left myself blatantly open to pokes. In the past I have taken precautions such as readily having my hand available to move to my nose to block said eye pokes and have successfully avoided several. But lately I have been caught off guard and unaware, much to my chagrin. As I said, the pokes have been coming on more frequently and with increasing ferocity. Because of this frequency and exposure to authoritative parties I have been more easily wounded. I'm left with sore eyesockets and a bruised ego. Feeling subpar with plummeting self esteem. This is not a place I enjoy being. I am going to have to react quickly if I am to move off of the defensive and realign my offensive strategies. I'm thinking safety goggles possibly...

I dream ... of escaping. I cannot stand ... narrow mindedness I stopped ... trying to make everybody else happy. I'm sorry ... I can't be happy here. I could ... runaway right now and not look back. I would ... like some chili cheese fries. I don't understand ... my mother. I yell ... only when I have been pushed as far as I can go. I get aggravated ... when I can't get someone to understand the other side of the coin. I'm shocked ... that someone actually flirted with me the other day. I dislike ... lathargy. I can't wait ... to get the f out of California. I sense ... bigger and better things for myself are coming.

I'm bored to tears today. Typically when I look up at the clock for the first time its at least one in the afternoon. Not today, it was only 10:30am. *sigh* Gonna be a slow one. Not that I don't have things to do I just feel like doing none of them. I would kill to be at home right now reading or playing on the computer in my pjs. Doing nothing at home is so much more appealing than doing nothing at work. Still no word on the job I interviewed for...I have never been accused of being a patient person so you can imagine this is absolutely driving me nuts. I've had a stomach ache since Monday. For the love of God just make up your mind already! Either I get it or I don't. Geesh. On a brighter note, I told that boy if we do move out of CA I want to buy a chihuahua puppy prior to our departure. They are a dime a dozen in this neck of the woods, but I am sure in hillbilly TN they would be a bit more rare. I know you are just dying to know what this most recent additions name would be, so I will torture you no more: Pepperchini.

Excellent profile shot of the super long Greyhound nose.

Always the goof.

"What I need is a good defense cuz I'm feeling like a crimina-al..." The only real reason I am feeling like a criminal is because I now secretly detest my boss and wish ill upon him. (Yes, I know that karma will kick my ass for this later, I am just hoping it waits until after I get my promotion.) However, I maintain my status quo of blowing sunshine up his ass regularly. I hate being fake. It's a major stretch for me and it makes me secretly cranky and more vindictive. Today has been quite the wing dinger (Yes, I did just use that word and in a complete sentence. Go 80 year old libarian go.). We have this total pain in the ass supervisor at one of our facilities who has recently turned her pain the ass personna into high profile high maintainence. You can be a pain in the ass, just don't bring it to anyone's attention on a regional level on a regular basis and you can squeak by with it. Once in awhile you may warrent an eyeroll pointed in your direction, but other then that we will just do our best to ignore you. However, you start bringing it to our attention on a regular basis and now you are going to have to pay. For about the last month or so she has been having little fits on a regular basis stating she just cannot continue to work with the manager in that facility. Initially, we understood and were willing to work with her to try and resolve the situation. As time progressed it has become more and more obvious that she is the problem. The last two weeks have been particularly bad, but have thankfully led to her resignation. Too bad with a resignation, you usually provide a minimum of a two week notice. In her case, I would have preferred she had just walked. Below is a snapshot of some e-mails we have exchanged since yesterday (mine in purple, hers in blue): Per your request I am formally sending my Resignation as of today. I would be glad to help you in any way I can to get my replacement ready and trained properly. It has been a pleasure working with you. I wanted to let you know that I have spoken with {my boss} and we would appreciate it if you would stay to train a replacement for your position. Are you still willing to do this, as you stated {above}? How long until the replacement arrives? {Pain in the Ass}, You just told us yesterday that you were planning on resigning. I am sure you can understand the recruitment process does not happen over night. We plan on moving as quickly as we can to identify a replacement, but I cannot give you a definite time frame. As you well know, the environment here is abrasive at best. I am willing to help, but I will not hang around forever. Recruitment is what it is. I am neither stupid nor unreasonable. I was asking for a time frame. I will give you one. 2 weeks. Alright, listen here sister. With the 80 million things we have going on right now in this region, You are bottom on that list. And further more, YOU are the one who made that evironment "abrasive at best" Mz. Prickly. So just simmer down before I stamp you out like a used up cigarette. I would further this rant about what I would LIKE to say in reponse to her last bit of nastiness, but its after 5 and I am off like a prom dress.

Finally something has gone right at work. I e-mailed the recruiter for the position I applied for to let her know I had spoken with my boss regarding the opportunity so we could now move on to the face to face interview. I honestly was not anticipating anything occurring for a good two weeks as corporate tends to more slow on such things. Much to my surprise, I received a phone call from the recruiter right before I went to lunch. Come to find out the RVP who is doing the hiring will be in CA on Monday. Not only will he be in CA, but he will be only 2 miles from where I work. So, I have an interview with him Monday at 4:30pm. WOOOHOOOOOOO!!! Good Lord, I hope I get this job.

Yesterday did not provide the opportunity to speak with my boss about my impending interview in TN. The crazy lady I have mentioned previously reared her schizophrenic head yet again. Guess she heard back from the state yesterday she was denied unemployment because we were so kick butt with our documentation when we terminated her psychotic ass. She called the regional HR area for the West (one above me) who told her if she had an issue with decision she needed to take it up with the state. Then she called the facility she had been terminated from and commenced with the biblical quotes again, something this time about scorpions and all us of hanging by our necks and dying from heart attacks. Blah Blah Blah. But she is planning on appealing the decision which means I will have to appear at an appeal hearing. Bottomline, it ended up being a nightmare of a day and one that was not conducive to dumping bad news on your boss, or at least having the balls to do so. After making my way through my e-mail this morning I decided I would just get this crap over with. I went into his office and asked if he had a minute. I explained that I had inquired about a job with corporate last week that would be a promotion and had decided to go ahead and apply for it and now they would like me to set up an interview. He immediately started off with if it had been him and what he would have preferred was that I had told him before I even applied. (Of course you think that, its the exact opposite of what I would do/did.) He then launched into a 35 minute recap of every mistake (In his mind) I have made since literally last Thanksgiving. He mentioned things I wasn't even aware of and a few I was. But he covered it all and stated how disappointed he was in me and my performance and he felt like I did not like working with him. Of course all of this is necessary for you to blindside me with after I tell you I am seeking a promotion. Is the thought process there that hopefully you will have made me feel like such a piece of shit that I won't possibly have the confidence to pursue the opportunity for advancement? Ummm, yes I believe it is. Thanks good buddy, ole pal. He also mentioned things that he had "been told by others", meaning other members of the management team that had been bothering him. Obviously my feelings from last Friday (see post) were 100% legitimate. Its like this sick game of everybody wants to be Daddy's favorite so they try to get in good with him by tattling on everyone else. Lesson learned, point taken. Be annoyingly sweet and cordial to your co-workers while revealing absolutely nothing about yourself or the job you do. Then they have absolutely nothing to tattle about. The conversation ended fine (mostly because I had anticipated this reaction and was mentally and emotionally prepared for it). He did mentioned that all of the things we had just discussed would be mentioned in my (now 9 week overdue) review. Of course they will, I would expect nothing less of you. :)

I am a Sagittarius through and through. I have the assertiveness, the people skills, and of course, the restless nature. I am constantly striving and seeking more. More of what you ask? More of EVERYTHING. More school, more exercise, more time, more knowledge, more research, more autonomy at work, more ambition,etc. I am an over-achiever by nature. I was born one. I started in advanced kindergarten (seriously) and have been running in "advanced" mode my whole life. So, when I see yet another opportunity to get ahead I go after it. One of those opportunities presented itself last week. We have had an internal job posting for a Regional HR Manager position in the company since December. My title is currently HR Generalist, although I perform all of the same functions as a manager. I just make half as much. AND I put up with one of the most notoriously difficult RVPs in the entire company, not to mention the BS CA Labor Laws. (And I'm talkin' about a Bachelors of Science there either people...) Anyhoo, all of these have led me to seek out new opportunities. I mean I have no problem working for a jerk, but I at least want to be compensated well for crying out loud. So, I come across this posting for the millionth time, but I don't pass it by. I stop and read it for a moment. Hmmmm, Tennessee huh? I could do Tennessee. It kind of looks like Missouri there, right? Let me answer that for you, Yes, yes it does. And just MAYBE they would consider me for the position, even though I may not have all the experience they are looking for. But I am already a part of the company, which should give me at least something to go on. Right? Right! So, I applied. I had my phone interview today. It went really well. REALLY. WELL. They want me to book travel to interview with the Senior VP of HR and the RVP for that region. Let me tell you kids, that baby is as good as mine. I interview like a champ and win just about anyone over in a face to face interview. BUT...I have to tell my boss about it before I go. *Sigh* Nothing is ever easy and clear cut is it? He will explode. And I guarantee you whether I get that job or not I will be as good as dead in his eyes. I will no longer exist. I have seen him do it to several people. He sets you up to fail, be miserable and want to rip his eyes out. He is amazingly vindictive. I am REALLY REALLY hoping I can get him to see this from my perspective and not take it personally. But he's a hot blooded Italian from New Jersey. The odds would be better if I was betting on the bird flu to mutate into becoming transmittable from human to human causing a world wide pandemic where hundreds of millions of people parish, transportation in all its various forms stop and the world as we know it come to an end. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I would prefer that happening to having to tell my boss I am seeking employment opportunities elsewhere... *Sigh* I plan on talking to him about it tomorrow afternoon. Let the games begin...

I have a swarm of feelings and thoughts running through my head at the moment. And maybe they are caused by insecurities resurfacing, paranoia, the fact that I have eaten literally nothing today or just an overload of pre-pms hormones. But nonetheless they are real and overwhelming me at the moment. I don't have a lot that goes on in my life besides my work so you can imagine how much my job and the people I work with impact my life. I felt like I had a good working relationship with literally everyone (okay, maybe not one person but I am really working on that)and I felt like with two fellow members of management I had a particularly strong relationship with and thus could divulge an occasional bit of confidential information with. I have found this to be untrue recently. I entrusted them with one piece of info and I have found out that they instantly went to my boss with the info. I had already planned on speaking to my boss about the info anyway, but you can imagine how it looked when it came from them first instead of myself. Yeah, thanks a million guys. Now those two that so blindly trusted are in an office after requesting the resume of a girl I personally hired. Gee, why would they do that? They are also two that are very quick to judge. They have had this girl working on hardly anything at all for the last several days and have not even bothered to spend any time training her on anything. I assume they will take their concerns to my boss directly rather than going to me personally first. I will then be called into his office and the Spanish Inquisition will ensue. I feel isolated and betrayed by them. Maybe I am being a typical girl in this scenario and feeling outnumbered, but I think I am afforded such a reaction occasionally as I tend to try and remain open minded about such things typically. I can't help but feel like their is some sort of conspiracy taking place against me. Et tu, Brute? Also, yesterday an hourly associate who I am very fond of and know to be bright, ambitious young man who will someday do something wonderful, resigned. He didn't hand in your standard "thanks for everything, but I quit" letter. He gave me a letter that was a solid page, single spaced, 10pt font. It was eloquently written and summarized several issues that myself have witnessed and try to bring to someone's attention perfectly. I immediately wanted to discuss his letters with my boss, as he had expressed the same sentiments I had about the hourly associate several times previously. In fact, he was the one that insisted we pursue him and bring him on into the operation. I assumed his reaction would be the same as mine, holy cow this is a great kid, lets fix this. I was amazingly disappointed this morning when my boss called me into his office to discuss the letter. See, the letter pointed out some very obvious problems with management in this facility and I thought, because it came from this guy, my boss would finally open his eyes to the problems. Nope. Obviously I expected too much of him. He proceeded to tear this kid apart. Contradicting several things he had told me previously and concluding with, "this is one of the most poorly written letters I have ever read and its obvious this kid has emotional problems." My heart just sank. I wanted to SO badly bring up the numerous time he had personally praised this individual, but knew better and only bit my tongue. He gave me a strong tongue lashing over even having entertained the thought that the letters contents had some validity. He told me I needed to reread it with a different perspective. I can only assume that meant I should read it from his perspective as that is the only one that would be considered correct in this scenario. All in all it has been an extremely depressing and even more disappointing. I feel isolated from everyone and as if I have no one left to trust, no allys. This saddens me a great deal as I am a people person and thrive on that daily interaction. I have decided that I will go forward maintaining the status quo, but doing nothing additional. The pay I make for all that I do speaks volumes of how I am perceived by everyone. (I make $2,000 less than even the lowest paid supervisor, yet I am called the HR manager.) I am tossing in the hat and waving my white flag. You win, I fold.

You ever have so much to do that you just become completely overwhlemed and do nothing at all? Welcome to my Wednesday. I have absolutely no motivation and I am sure should be doing a million other things besides this. But there are at least 10 visitors in the office to day helping some of the new projects and they have caused me to lose my focus. That's right, its all THEIR fault that I am a slacker extraordinaire today and will get absoltely nothing done. Damn them and their loud talking and clickety clackety typing noises. That boy and I are officially stressed to the max over finances. Gas prices are literally killing us. We are spending at least $100 bucks a week on gas and we are even carpooling!! We are trying to figure out how to get a more econmical car, but I am upside down in mine so it has been a struggle. We fought about it last night in the car on the way home (muuuuuwahaaaaaa no escape) and I ended up yelling and cussing a lot. So there. I have to road trip it today to another of our facilities to do new hire orientation for some folks. NOT. IN. THE. MOOD. But I will probably be able to finagle getting out of their early so this is a huge plus and what will keep me motivated to get through it all as quickly as possible. However, I think one of them is that type of person that actually wants to read everything before they sign it, ANNOYING. :) Getting my hair chopped tonight. I worked vigilantly to grow it out, but do to a total crap haircut last time I am going to have to start over again. My hair currently feels like a mullet or Mrs. Brady during the 70s. This is a very big no no, so its back to the bob. Ah well, its only hair. Tomorrow night we are going with some friends to see a pretty well known comedian. Should be a good time. We haven't been out IN FOREVER. I am hoping that boy will really hit it off with everyone too. I am excited to get to have some fun! Alright I have to get my ass to that other facility to get through the new hire BS so I can leave EARLY. Woohoo.