Superfluous Baloney

You & Your Sagittarius Do ... ... keep the bright, happy side of your personality showing. Your Sagittarius will set the example, displaying an ever cheerful and optimistic nature. ... give your Sagittarius the emotional and physical freedom that they need. ... listen up -- they will teach you how to obtain and treasure that freedom in your own life. ... keep a travel kit complete with a few essential outfits and toiletries packed at all times. Your Sag will whisk you away at a moment's notice to secluded spots or exotic destinations. ... appreciate a good practical joke, a roller coaster ride or a hike through a national forest. Your Sagittarius will introduce you to all these diversions and more. ... be enthusiastic, energetic and ever ready for adventure. ... enjoy all sides of the relationship -- Sagittarius can be your playmate, your inspiration and your best friend. Don't ... ... subject your Sag to the darker, more negative side of your personality. The Archer needs to see the positive side of life, even if it means ignoring your depression. ... tell a Sag that you're right and they're wrong. They like to feel that they have the best answer to any question or situation. ... try to keep your Sagittarius in a small, confined area, no matter how plush it is. They will feel cramped or caged and will need to escape. ... be impatient with the relationship -- if you expect declarations or demonstrations of eternal love, your patience may be tested. Sagittarians are independent, and will likely not fall in love quickly or demonstrate it too effusively.

I started the Atkins Diet again yesterday. I forgot how cranky and sluggish and HUNGRY it makes me. But I had to do it. I found out the best friend has been doing it for the last 6 weeks and has lost 17lbs! SO not fair. When she gets fat, I get fat. When she gets thin, I get thin. It's the way it works dammit. And then she goes and starts a diet and loses 17lbs without even telling me! Now I'm behind the curve. So I started yesterday and have been living off of string cheese, salad and hotdogs. Mmmm, good. Yeah, no, not really. But I am determined dammit. How dare she! Someone tried to tell me that it isn't a competition. Ummmm, HELLO. YES IT IS. DUH. We're woman. Everything that deals with looks and/or self-esteem is a competition with us overly hormonal freaks. So I will starve and be cranky and sluggish all in the name of getting my boobs to shrink back to a normal size and wear the same jeans she does (even though we now live 1500 miles apart and can no longer share clothes:). On another note... I discovered something about myself. Well, actually I discovered a few years back when I was sitting at my graduation ceremony for my BA thinking about how quickly I could get my MA, instead of just enjoying how much energy and effort I spent getting my BA. So, I noticed it then, but it was only this week that I realized it is sort of a bad thing. I have always been a planner, a go-getter and an over-achiever when it comes to the world of academics and achieving success in its vast and ever expanding definitions. But what I realized is I get so wrapped up in planning and the next step that I forget to enjoy the current step. For example, instead of enjoying my current position and the opportunity it provides (although fellow members of management try very hard to allow me to enjoy it anyway), I have been spending my time planning on when I will have established enough experience here to get the hell out of this place and move back to the Midwest. And then with relationships I do the same thing. Instead of just enjoying the honeymoon phase we are currently in I spend my time concerning myself with the next step. This all dawned on my one night while lying in bed. So my new focus is to calm the fuck down, kick back and just freakin' take it easy already. I realize it's okay to plan and actually a very good quality to have. BUT when you spend all of your time planning and never enjoying your accomplishments it makes you into an anal, uptight, never content, pain in the ass. So, that's it. I'm just gonna chill the fuck out. Okay, I know that's not "just it." I know this will be a struggle for someone who's brain goes a million miles an hour all day, everyday. But surely with a LOT of practice I will get better at just enjoying the right now. *Sigh* K, I'm done. I'm going to go enjoy the sunset instead of working on tomorrows stuff. :

Yes, I think work is a death trap. It stresses me out so bad I take little pills at night that put me in a vegetable-like state just so I won't have to think about it. It gave me some of the most heinous hives I have ever seen all over my body. (Stop thinking about my body you perve!) It's not the actual job itself. It's one person, okay, actually two and technically it was three, but one just quit. So how do I make the others quit? Better just to get them canned I think. That would make me very, very happy. They are liars. No integrity, no honesty, no trustworthiness. How do you work for/with people like that? You can't. You spend half of every day trying to CYA so they can't come after you next. It's silliness and worst of all it makes me question myself. They lie so much and so often that I actually question whether or not I am right. BS, I'm always right. :) HA. That's funny, I don't care who ya are... Now someone just convince them of that please. I am always right, and you are wrong Wrong WRONG. Assholes. Makes me want to say, " Just who the fuck do think you are? You think you know so much then you do this fucking job and leave me out of it." Then I would promptly grab my stuff and march out, slamming the door and knocking off a picture on my way out. Okay, enough day dreaming, well actually night dreaming since it's technically dark outside now (Damn daylight savings time). I am FULLY aware that I can't quit people. I know I have to stay despite these bunch of assholes tormenting me daily in order to get the experience I need on my resume so I can scurry back to the Midwest some day and make a nice fat chunk of change when I get there. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. And I hate that I know and that I am responsible and won't do anything that would jeopardize my career. Sure doesn't stop me from bitching about it though, now does it????

HURRY UP DAMMIT. Why is it when you would LOVE for time to stand still it blows right by you laughing tumultuously in your ear on the way by, but when you want it to go quickly it crawls like a sloth???? I want the next two days to go by QUICKLY. As in right this minute, poof, over with. So can't it just oblige just this ONCE? I mean for crying out loud, since the world does in fact revolve around me, surely this simple request can be accommodated. Alright, wait a second. I may have just changed my mind. Now that I think about it maybe we should drag it out a bit. What if he gets here and hates it? I mean like absolutely detests it, thinks it is the armpit of the United States and then in return hates me because I brought him here? Or what if he can't stand my mother, I mean hell I can't stand her all that often. Or what if once we start seeing each other daily he decides I am the most annoying person he has ever met? What if my total lack of organization and concern for neatness drives him nuts? Hmmmm, maybe I should have thought about all of this before I convinced him to come? Possibly.

Nope, not a horse, just having another pity party. And screw you, I don't care if you come or not. It's my damn blog and I will whine all I want to jackass. This is the first time in my life I have ever regretted a big decision I have made. No, I did not even regret my marriage. Going through it and surviving the divorce made me a stronger and more self-reliant person. But this time I really f-ed up. I came out here knowing that deep down in my gut it was the wrong choice. And when I have said this previously people around me have said things like, "Well we would have never met so it's good you came out here." God bless ya for trying, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I made the wrong decision and I am paying for it every single day. And I will continue to pay for it until I have enough time under my belt at this job to make it a prominent feature on my resume. Once I have, I will bail...QUICKLY. I will venture back to the Midwest and establish my roots once again. I don't know if I will go back to KC necessarily, maybe Omaha or Des Moines. I don't care, I just will not being living in the west and that is all that will matter to me. I am not going to make a bad decision worse by bailing on this job. If I can make it in HR in California, I can make it anywhere. This hell hole of a state has more ass-backward labor laws then any state in the union. Everyone knows if you can get established and make it here, any company will take you in the Midwest and pay you very nice money for it. So I will hang in there for the sake of my career, the only focus and aspect of my life I can control. The only piece that ever works out for me. I am one lucky bastard when it comes to jobs. Not scoring ones that I love, but scoring ones that provide the stepping stones to continue to make the decent upward within the hierarchy of management positions. But in the meantime I know I will be plagued with misery in my personal life. I wish I had never left my friends and the comfortable, relaxed pace of the Midwest. I just can't believe I left all that behind to move here and become another harried, stressed out psycho on these jam packed freeways. With no relief through friends and fun. No companionship outside of my family, whose interactions only make me increasingly stressed out rather then comforted. But hey, such is life right? You screw up and it may take some time, but you work toward getting back to where you want/need to be. Life is full of major set backs. Mine seem to come every 2-3 years. Just hope that the strides I make forward somewhat out weigh the ones I have made backward. Someday I will have a successful career and be content in my independence again. I am just tired of the roller coaster ride I have been on since I arrived here. It has been one after another with my family and now with my love life. There is no end to the chaos. Work is crazy. Working for and with people you can't trust, have physically caught in lies, and have no integrity wares on a person. I am constantly questioning there motives and as a result end of second guessing myself as well. It is enough to make me lose it. My mind goes 100 miles an hour all day long wondering what they might be up to and if I dealt with it in the best way or if there is something they might find wrong with what I did. I am paranoid about when it will be my turn on the chopping block. Then you get into my love life and I spend hours a day wondering if I am giving the best advice, wondering if I am being selfish, if my motivations are pure, if I am giving all that I can. And then I start to wonder if it is worth the effort, if I am wasting time, effort, engery on a lost cause like I have done sooooooo many time before. I try to be enough for both parties, I try to give enough for both of us. But then I get frustrated that I am the only one trying to make it work, trying to be supportive, trying to make the other person happy, trying to set my own feelings aside. I feel like I'm being punished for something that I did in a past life or something, like I'm not worthy of complete happiness. So I continue to give to try and balance out the scales of karma. But it doesn't work, it only blows up in my face and I am left even more frustrated and alone. I spend 4 out of every 7 nights a week crying myself to sleep. This isn't who I am. It isn't who I want to be. I have been a very easy going, optimistic person my whole life until I made the decision to move back out here. Now I have been nothing but a complete mess. Nothing makes me happy, nothing keeps me content. I just can't believe I f-ed up this bad. I can't believe I left all of my friends, people I really care about, behind. The only people in my life that have supported me. Just to come out here and get kicked left and right. This is the stupidest decision I have ever made. Some how I have to make it right.

I have been getting a lot of compliments on my eyeballs lately. It is kind of odd actually. And it is from people that I have talked with on numerous occasions previously. Does this mean that they never looked me in the eye until now? If so, then what the heck were they looking at? Shut it. I would know if they were looking at the girls while we were talking. Rather obvious don't you think? It is just kind of funny. I have even been asked several times in the last few weeks what color they are. Some have thought they were blue, others light green and some dark green. Kind of funny. They have been there all my life and I thought have always looked the same, but I guess lately something has changed. But hey, don't worry, I ain't mad at ya. I'll take all the compliments I can get!!

Damn, I could use a nap today. And no clue why, went to bed last night at freakin' nine. What a nerd, huh? Yeah, shut up. I don't care. I require a l ot of sleep. I'm delicate and must keep a balance. :) And HELLO the day is dragging. It totally feel like it should be almost four and its only two. Been like that all freakin' day. Why is that? Yesterday blew by, barely noticed the time clicking off at rocket speed. Today it crawls...maybe it's sleepy too? I could SERIOUSLY use some heavy amounts of caffeine. Might have to go beg denaros off of the worker bees to score a Mountain Dew hit out of the vending machine. Hey, I ain't too proud to beg. K, just begged and am dowin' the Dew. Ahhhhhh, so tasty, so sugary, so full of caffeine. Was there ever a more heavenly soft drink invented? Say no dammit. Me love caffeine. Can you tell my day is still going by slowly and I'm bored? I mean I actually have time to enjoy drinking my mountain dew rather then mindlessly sipping on it and then realizing I have consumed it all. Alright, I gotta play solitaire or something. This is just getting absurd. Can't just sit here and ramble all day to you people. Okay, maybe I could but I probably won't I mean my fingers would start to cramp from the typing and don't you think I would eventually run out of things to say. Can you tell the MD is kicking in? :))))

I began my day feeling horribly torn in many different directions. Several people in my life, whether aquaintances, friends or lovers, were all needing something from me. Mostly my ear to listen, my advice, my shoulder to cry on, my forgiveness, my connections, etc. I felt torn, dragged down by the weight of their problems. But as my morning and then my day unfolded I began to prioritize. I realized that I can't, nor do I want, to solve everyone's problems. I needed to make some serious decisions about who deserved my attention as well as my help. I needed to come up with a plan and stick to it. So I decided. And along the way I ended up hurting some feelings and cutting some ties. There are now some who are unhappy or pondering my level of loyalty and trustworthiness because of the choices that I made today. They are probably wondering at this very moment, "What got into her? I thought we were friends?" And for once, I'm okay with that. Let them question, let them ponder, let them think I have turned into a rotten person. I spend a lot of my time, effort and energy giving people everything that I have to give without seeking anything in return. But most of the time that's okay. I get tired, worn down and stressed out, but I am a giver and a people person by nature. It is in my being to give everything I have and expect nothing in return. But for the last few weeks as I have continued to do this I have felt disgruntled, bitter about the time I give but never get in return. I have not been my typical easy going, give them everything unbegrudgingly, self. So today I decided to still give everything I have, but to only give it to one person. Although throughout the entire day people still asked me to give whatever they needed, I declined, except when one asked. When he asked I responded and gave him my sole attention, advice, energy, etc. When he needed sympathy, help, advice, time...I gave it and I gave 100%. And it felt really good to only give it to him and no one else. Because I identified that he is the only one that really matters right now. He needed me and I have needed him to need me for a long time now. And finally today, he did. And I was there and I gave him everything that I could and it made me happy. I finally realized I don't, nor can I, be everything to everyone. Eventually you have to take a step back and evaluate and prioritize. I think I have avoided this in the past because I didn't want to "put all my eggs in one basket" as when I had done so in the past it had left me hurt and alone. So I have spent many days over the last few years trying to give all to everyone, so if one left I would still mean something to the rest. I would still be important and needed to someone. But I am ready to get back out the basket and put the eggs all together again. I am finally prepared to give just one person everything. It is a risk I have avoided for so long, but finally feels right to take again. So, I have hurt some, but I have helped one, the most important one. And that feels better then trying to help everyone. So, thanks. Thanks for finally needing me and for giving me a chance to prove that I won't let you down and that I am worthy of your trust and need. I will give you, and only you, all I have to give everyday from now on.

...to always try to be a good person...well at least when I feel like it. ...to always be honest... even if it means telling you that is the ugliest freaking shirt I have ever seen in my life. ...to stop smoking...WHEN I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT. ...to stop drinking...the minute I stop enjoying it. ...to stop living beyond my means...as soon as I get a raise. ...to not buy another new pair of shoes...after I no longer have feet. ...to always speak politly and courteously to everyone...unless they don't deserve it. ...to not cut anyone off on the freeway...unless I need to squeeze in where there is not really room. ...to always treat everyone fairly...unless I like someone else better. ...to never cheat on my taxes...unless I think I can get away with it. ...to always respond to the comments on my blog...unless they aren't worth it. ...to always give 100%...unless I am too tired, have a hangover, found something better to do, can think of an excuse not to, etc.

Feel free to answer any and all: 1. What they hell is the point in Daylight Savings Time? Screw saving our energy resources. I hate leaving when it's dark and getting home when it's dark. 2. Why are boys dumb? 3. Why am I so damn nice when I really want to be mean? 4. Why did I fucking move? 5. Why isn't love the same for everyone? 6. Why is life so damn hard? 7. Why does time speed up more and more the older you get? 8. Why don't they never remember to ask you what kind of sauce you want when you order Chicken McNuggets? 9. Why am I expected to be everyone's savior, sounding board, resident know-it-all, best friend, drinking buddy, etc. but no one feels obligated to be mine? 10. Why didn't God make Vanilla Vodka odorless so I can drink it at work too? 11. Why didn't God give everyone the same mentality I have? 12. What is the point in fog? 13. Why can't we bottle time? 14. Why do we regret? What's the point? 15. Why are boys dumb? 16. Why wasn't I born into a life of unbelivable wealth? 17. Why aren't I cuter? 18. Why can't people be as easy to deal with as animals? 19. Why am I sadder when I an animal dies then a human? 20. Why are boys dumb? 21. How come no one has invented an alcohol that doesn't give you hangovers? 22. Why can't people understand that some days you just don't want to be happy? Can't they understand you are perfectly content putting for the little to no effort it takes to be completely grumpy. 23. Why do people seem to struggle so much with being upfront and honest with others when it seems to be what everyone desires? 24. Why can't smoking be good for you? 25. Why can't I live in the Happiest Place on Earth? 26. Will my eyes really stay like that? 27. Why can't people just chill the fuck out? 28. Why are their so many back stabbing mo fo's in the world? 29. Why do people constantly tell you to "smile?" What am I some kind of freaking doll? 30. Use you as an excuse not to pursue a real relationship? 31. Are functional alcoholics for real? 32. Why are the actors on 7th Heaven so retarded? 33. Why do people laugh when I tell them I get nightmares from scary movies? Rat bastards... 34. Why does everything have to be genetic? 35. Why am I such a geek? 36. Why does my boss always answer his cell phone when it rings regardless of the importance of the conversation you are having? HELLO, that's RUDE. 37. Why does my foot always itch at the exact moment I can't quite reach it?

I feel so distgustingly needy and vulnerable. I'm am sickening myself with this new found desire for comfort and reassurance. It goes against everything I typically stand for. It's giving me the creeps to even be putting this in writing, let alone posting it on a website for all to see. I have always stood on my own two feet. We are talking from a seriously young age it was quite apparent that I would be an independent sort who would make my own way in life and throw caution to the wind in most incendences. And for the most part, in my personal life, I have continued in this pattern. But now I am met, in reality for the first time, with very strong feelings for someone. And trying to function on a daily basis with the knowledge that their feelings, although both being blanketed under the same term (love), may not truly be equivicable and it's bugging the shit out of me. I am always so good about putting on a game face until I can work through this stuff on my own and make it right again in my mind. But not this time. I am being disgustingly transparent. It is bugging the crap out of me and will continue to do so until I get a "yes you are right, they don't mean the same," or a, "no, you are wrong, it means the same thing to me as it does to you." I need to hear it. Ick, I hate needing things. Bottomline: I want and need this person in my life, but not if we do not have the same feelings for each other. (Hmmmm, think that may qualify for the most obvious statement ever made...) And by stating this I am not asking for some gross pity reassurance from everyone about how everyone needs someone and its okay to feel vulnerable, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Stuff it. I don't need to hear it because hearing it won't magically make me okay with being a sniveling, weepy, emotional, girl. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Their music just really speaks to me...its all so relatable. Carve Your Heart Out Yourself ~Dashboard Confessional Carve your heart out yourself. Hopelessness is your cell. Since you've drawn out these lines, are you protected from trying times? Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. But lord, it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. Oh look now, there you go with hope again. Oh you're so sure that i'll be leaving in the end. Dig your ditch deep enough, to keep you clear of the sun. You've been burned more than once. You don't hink much of trust Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. But lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all Oh look now, there you go with hope again. But i'll be sure your secret's safe with me. Oh you're so sure that i'll be leaving in the end, you're treating me like I'm already gone. But i'm not; I will stay where you are, always

As Lovers Go ~Dashboard Confessional She said, "I've got to be honest, you're waisting your time if you're fishing' around here." And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin' this feelin' is real." She said, "You gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?" "No, you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong." I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear, I'll belong to you if just let me through. This is easy as lovers go. So don't complicate it by hesitating. This is wonderful as loving goes. This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting? I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all my life." For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice. And being with you here makes me sane.I fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side. "You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

You no good, back stabbing, son of a bitch, asshole, rat bastard, muskrat looking dickhead. How dare you make illegitimate compliants about me behind my back that have NO merit. You are such a fucking slimeball. And you don't even have enough balls to say any of the shit to my face. What kind of bullshit is that? Your balls the size of raisens or something you washed up fucking has-been? I'm a kid compared to you and you don't have the balls to say this shit to my fucking face? And your pissed because I get all of my shit done in 50 hours a week and you spend 70-80 here? A) You don't pay me enough to spend 70 hours a week here and B) Sorry for being so efficient that I can get my shit done in less time then you can. And if you are too much of a chicken shit to say any of this shit to my face, why should I give it any merit? Why should I do anything about it? Not to mention that it is just a bunch of bullshit anyway. I hope you rot in hell mother fucker because from what I've heard hyporcites burn faster then us regular sinners down there. Just remember karma can be a real bitch asshole and you will get yours and you will get it soon.

...with someone in need or someone that you have treated poorly in the past or someone you don't care for, but want to start a new... Have you ever extended someone in one of those circumstances an olive branch only to have it thrown in a mulcher right in front of your face?? WHY FREAKIN BOTHER!

What has become painfully clear recently is that being in love means something different to everyone. As it is with most things in life, perception is everything and 9 times out of 10 your perception is going to be very different then anyone else's. It is unfortunate however, when you realize this after you have been conducting yourself based on the notion that your perception was the same as your "partner in crime." I should have realized at this point in my life, after all my vast experiences with regretfully discovering differences in perceptions after it was too late, that one should never assume anything on such a subject, particularly when dealing with matters of the heart. I have been accused of over analyzing such things, but I feel it is better to over analyze and protect oneself from future heartache, then under analyze and be blind sided by cold, hard reality. Last night I realized I was not on the same page about what being in love means. And unfortunately it means something very different to me then it does to a very key player in my life. To me being in love means dedication, loyalty, dependency (but not in a needy way), trust, care, support, complete devotion, etc. And it means this from the first moment that you utter those words. These are not aspects that develop over time, after you have determined you are in love. They are something that you have first and because of, decide you must be in love. Again, this is how I feel. I have discovered it is not how everyone feels. Some feel that you can be in love first and then develop these other feelings later, over time. I am an open-minded person and therefore can appreciate this point of view. But it poses the question: What is love then? What does being in love mean then? Define the feelings that are involved that have led you to determine you are in love. Is it because you are comfortable, feel close to that person, are attracted to that person? So as I said, I realized very recently that the definition I provided above is not the same for everyone. And unfortunately, I discovered this someone late, too late to avoid being disappointed or hurt by the realization. (Would there have been a time to discover this one that would have prevented being disappointed and hurt? Probably not.) So now the questions is, what do I do now that I am aware of the difference? I guess first I seek answers to the questions posed above. And then equipped with that information, make a decision on how to proceed. Do you continue to use the word love when you know its meaning does not equate the same for another as it does for you? I don't think you can. Each time it was said you would be hit with the realization that it does not mean the same when you hear it back. I think the only reasonable thing to do is try to understand the other's point of view and since my definition of love seems to involve stronger feelings, wait for that person to reach the level I am on. Assuming there is a possibility for that to occur. But in the meantime, hold back some on this and other things done or spoken in the name of "love." I don't ask these questions to be a pain or because I enjoy fretting or over analyzing the situation. I do it so that I can understand the opposing view and reach common ground, as well as protect myself from more turmoil and stress then is necessary. If you are not on the same page and do nothing to get to the same page, what is the point? So don't judge me for being "overly analytical" in your mind. Simply be thankful that I take the time to reflect on such matters in hopes of doing what is best for everyone involved.

Okay, well at least once a month. And even then it's really only once every other month. Why you ask? As if you even really need to ask. Because once a month (every other month for me it is worse because I have one ovary that is weaker then the other) I am MISERABLE. My back feels like someone is stomping on it and my hips feel like someone is pulling on my legs like they are a freaking wishbone from a damn turkey carcass. I mean I walk around looking like an 80 year old with osteoporosis, all hunched over like Quasimoto. THEN, I am a complete zombie. Regardless of how much sleep I get I wake up feeling like I only got about two hours. My eyes are swollen and I lack any and all motor skills. AND I am a total clutz. I drop things constantly, run into inanimate objects, burn myself, poke myself, cut myself, etc. My face looks like an oil spill from the Jaun Valdez and it breaks out like a 13 year old going through puberty!! Oh yes and on top of it I am completely retarded. I forget the simplest things, can't talk intelligently or inteligibaly for that matter. My IQ drops to -5 for the week. So, what I am trying to say is, DON'T FUCK WITH ME THIS WEEK because its not nice to mess with the mentally handicapped. I'm sure it's a crime or one of the seven cardinal sins at least

I woke up this morning covered in a rash, I managed to turn a situation that would have screwed over my arch nemisis at work into a scenario where I will be screwed over at work and on top of it all its cloudy and gray outside. What kind of F'ed up Friday is this??? Oh yes, AND I have absolutely no plans in order to make my weekend fun. Instead I will be spending the weekend with my mother, AGAIN, while she drags me around from one store to another meticulously scouring for some such something or other. I can't take it!! I need some fun in my life dammit. Why God oh why did I move to this forsaken place, better known as the Armpit of the US??? How could I have gone against all insticts, not to mention the admirable advice of good friends, and made such a decision? I knew giving up the social life in order to have a professional one and grow up to be all responisble would suck!! And I was right, it SUCKS!! Who needs a career? I bet people who just work at places like the all-night AM PM where overtime is still an option are MUCH happier then us morons who have company paid cell phones, laptop computers and business cards (which you eventually learn was only given to you so that your boss can have access to you 24/7, not because you are cool or important). I would be willing to be serious cash that the guy who cuts the lawn outside my office and barely speaks English is far more content with his existence then the rest of us schmucks who somewhere along the way decided that we had to have a salaried job in order to be successful. I am such a freakin' dope.

Wrote this for ME: You and me, it just seems right, the love we share and its awe inspiring delight Trying to earn your trust is often hard to do but I will keep at it I will be true As true as my name and as sweet as your heart our love will keep us together no matter how far apart. I want you to freeze time the next chance we meet, frozen in love for everyone to see.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. ~ Aristotle Love is like heaven, but it hurts like Hell. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. ~ Unknown You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world. - David Levesque - To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. - Bill Wilson - Love is something you can't describe like the look of a rose, the smell of the rain, or the feeling of forever. - Kristen Kappel - Never Have I Fallen Your lips speak soft sweetness Your touch a cool caress I am lost in your magic My heart beats within your chest I think of you each morning And dream of you each night I think of your arms being around me And cannot express my delight Never have I fallen But I am quickly on my way You hold a heart in your hands That has never before been given away - Rex A. Williams -

That, my friends, is the sound of my will to live being sucked right out of me by these miscreants around here. The rat bastards are just kicking me and stomping me with their negativity, over grown egos their riduculously high strung personnas. Why can't they just take a deep breath and chill the fuck out. Why does everything have to be a damn battle, Us vs. Them. Only I am the only Us and there is a lot more Thems. Don't get me wrong I can hold my own fairly decently, for awhile at least. But when you are going on week five of double front attacks from all sides, anyone would start to wear down. Someone told me today not to second guess myself. They said its easy to do when you are constantly around people who are trying to undermine you. But she said to stay confident and know that I did exactly what I said I did and screw them. So, that's what I say. SCREW THEM. I am too young and have way too much more going for me to let two middle-aged, washed up, angry, embittered old men get the best of me. Now the issue becomes getting back to feeling young again and not getting so wrapped up in this over the hill adult nonsense. Just because they are all old and bitter doesn't mean I have to be too. The rat bastards. I'd like to give 'em all a throat chop and a follow up eye poke. I'm not going to let them drag me down and waste my youth. (I am too still young so zip it.) I have to take some scary drug that you can only take once in awhile because it's highly addictive for my anxiety. See what the dirty rats have done to me??? I shouldn't be dealing with this stuff yet. I should still be out drinking, socializing, dating, having the time of my life. Don't worry it'll all come back around and kick them square in the ass. Karma's a bitch and it always balances out.

This job brings you into a world of issues you never even dreamed could exist. I mean you've heard horror stories like on TV or through the grapevine, but to actually be involved first hand is nuts. How they hell you going to make sexually offensive comments about the HR MANAGER (that's me by the way) to other associates and think you are going to get away with it??? You have to be one dumb motherfucker to not only make sexually offensive comments at work period, but then about the HR person? You have to be smokin some seriously good shit that makes you whack as hell. (And if you are, why aren't you sharing???) And then when I bring the accusations to your attention, of course, you lie straight to my face. You even throw in some tears at the indignation of it all. How can someone so new and green to this field already be exposed to so much BS? Other people tell me this isn't typical, the rest of the company doesn't have these kinds of issues. But yet here I sit on a pile of illegal social security cards, convicted felons trying to hide their past and jackasses making sexually harrassing comments right under my damn nose. And ABOUT ME!!! Please explain to me what gives so many men the right to think they can treat women this way, talk to women this way. I can walk across a parking lot minding my own damn business and some idiot will think he has the right to whistle, make a lewd comment or just lear. I have as much of a right to walk through that parking lot unaffected and unoticed as anyone else. But I can't, hardly ever. Wherever I go men think they have a right to make rude comments or stare like they have never seen red hair and green eyes before or something. But what I don't understand is WHY they think this is ok. How would they like it if the scenario was reversed and they put up with this kind of crap EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't care who you are or what you say, but if you had been putting up with it for the last 10-15 years you would be fed up to. It's total BS and all because I am female and men are morons. When are they going to figure out we make up more then 50% of the population and we deserve to be treated with respect?! Not as objects or like a weaker species, but fairly and equivacably. So don't get pissed if I see you learing or hear your off color comments about my body or the way I look and flip you off and tell you to go fuck yourself. If you have a right to stare like a damn animal watching its prey, I have a right to tell you what a rat bastard you are for it.