Superfluous Baloney

I am a f-ing stud! A GD Genius people! Everyone should bow down and kiss the Goddess of HR's feet. (Plus her feet are damn cute anyway and anyone who had the opportunity to kiss them should feel amazingly blessed.) With my brilliant little mind I single handedly solved a staffing dilemma that has been on going for 2 straight weeks. Slide someone in here and that person over there and PRESTO! Everyone is happy and life is back to normal. No takes any paycuts or gets pushed into a different crappier role. (We don't need to discuss the fact that it took me a week for this idea to hit me...hehe:) Let me turn around so you can pat me on the back easier. BUT I gave someone a huge break and really went out on a limb to help this person get into a new, more challenging role with better pay and it could easily bite me in the ass. He would not have a choice very many people would have considered for the role we are placing him in. But I did some finageling and got him in there anyway. But if it doesn't work out I am going to be in big trouble and will have to take the brunt of the flack that will be spewed out from not only my boss but a few others as well. I just hope this person understands and appreciates the opportunity that has been presented to him and does his best to step up to the challenge. Let the fingernail biting commence.

I WANT ONE AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!!! SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!! Mark my words, I will have one within 6 months. Think of the hugs that sucker could give!!

I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, can't live without each other love. --Carrie Bradshaw That above is just a quote I stole from another blog, and it fits me. But back to the true topic of today's blog: I, (fill in my name here), have become a giver. How did this amazing metamorphosis occur, you ask? I'm not sure, it's definitely not in my nature. I am the youngest in my family, assertive, self-preserving, a Sagittarius, and a general all around pain in the ass...all things that generally tend to make for a very self-centered individual. And up until about a month ago I bought into that hype. I lived it, breathed it, smoked it. I only occasionally bothered to contemplate this issue and only felt concerned about it once a month when the hormones kicked in and I tend to beat myself up about anything and everything then anyway. In others words I didn't feel guilty about it. Hell, I was single with no relatives around, why shouldn't I be a selfish pig? What's the big dealy yo? But now, I'm in this great job where I am surrounded by all these little worker bees that I adore. Their happiness inside and outside of work means a great deal to me. So I bust my butt for them every single day to make sure I help to advocate their needs and even desires. And don't get me wrong, I love it. It makes my day when I know I made just one of them happy. Because I've been there busting my butt, with no one on my side, no one to recognize my potential, no one to care about me outside the four walls I spent at least 8 hours a day in, every day. I want to be that person for them. So everyday, all day, I work to keep them content. But what is left at the end of the day? Giving all you have to 25 (soon to be 45) individuals day in and day out for 10-12 hours a day, doesn't leave much left for anyone else at the end of it all. For a significant other or much less myself. And Jesus, the dog is lucky to even get a pat on the head at the moment. I walk out of here everyday just zapped. And the only thing I think about not work related is how much I just want a hug. A hug from someone who asks me about my day and is genuinely interested in the response. Someone who doesn't mind that I don't have a lot left to give, but but is content with whatever is left. That's a lot to ask of someone, especially someone you haven't even met yet. Relationships take a lot of time and effort, you have to have your best foot forward, ESPECIALLY in the beginning. So here lies the dilemma, how do you find someone to give you that hug, when you don't have the energy to go and find them? Go ahead genius, work up an answer and let me know what it is A-SAP. (I also learned to be bossy in my newfound, above peon status.:) And don't tell me to find someone at work, because that just makes way more trouble then it's worth. Seeing them everyday, having all that inside information you can't share with them, where's the fun in that? I mean I know EVERYONE's salary, of course I would want to talk about it!! And a lot of guys around here would just be interested in a piece of ass anyway and nothing more. HELLO, I'm female, I can find that anywhere. I want more, but more is going to have to come looking for me because I SO do not have time to go find it. (Maybe I'm more selfish then I though...:)

I made the mistake of reading through some old notes and stuff from about my junior year of high school on through the year I got married. Kind of depressing stuff. Mostly because A) My man problems haven't changed much (GOD that sounds pathetic), B)I hated that time period and just reading about it again made me feel awkward and self-conscious and C) I used to have several guys who, at one time or another, claimed to be in love with me. Where people just more gullible back then? Was I more appealing? Was it just easier to convince yourself? Probably all of the above...:) Anyway, after reading them and fighting off the urge to start saying stuff, "Like oh my God" and "No, like totally whatever" I came across a poem I had written my senior year. I liked it and it seems like it still applies to how life can feel occasional. (Damn, I actually used to be creative, what the hell happened to that???) As I watch the rain fall I can't help but feel envious jealous of the tears the angels weep. For I cannot weep, the tears will not come. The hurt is too deep, the humility too great Buried beyond tears reach. It all runs deeper. So much lost in one fleeting moment, more than a lifetime worth of happiness LOST. Two souls touch for one moment, but at what cost? The price is too high. The night's memories blurred only surfacing at unpredictable instances. As blurry as the scene through a rain-filled window. The rain continues, With each drop a piece of heaven's anguish is released. If only I could feel that relief. Morning comes and with it another unbearable day. One more day of the facade. Pretending to be unaffected and indifferent. If only they could see... If for one moment they could look into my mind and feel the thoughts floating. WHY? Why do I have to feel this way? Why do I have to feel at ALL? Why must the anguish and torment continue? If only they could take a glimpse into my soul and see me, the real me. Not the girl others see, but the girl I see. The girl who wants only to be held and needed and depended upon. The rain continues to drip down the window erasing all the years of dust. If only it could erase all the confusion and heartache with it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. And I know I am amazingly lucky to have snagged it at my age. But what I miss about being a peon is being able to cut loose. Man, all day long I am as sweet as pie (yes, I did just actually use that phrase, BARF). I smile so much my cheeks cramp, I chit chat so much that my chit actually loses its chat, and I listen so much I swear my ears bleed at the end of the day. Not to mention the neck pain from constantly nodding in agreement and recognition. By the end of my day I have hit my niceness quotient and I'm all tapped out. Nothing left but 100% smartass and biting bluntness. I can still laugh, but there's more malice behind it then normal. When five o'clock rolls around I feel like I could just chew someone and spit them out. I think it comes from listening all day long to everyone's problems. And I know mostly they just need someone to listen and be a sounding board, but you can't help but take some of that on as your own. My answer to preventing the weight of the world from being placed on my shoulders is to begin incorporating the phrase, "Yada, yada, yada" into my daily HR rhetoric. I think it could really catch on once I convince everyone that it truly is politically correct. See examples below of when this phrase could really be useful: Example One: Me: "Hey Frank, how is your day going?" Frank: "Well, we had an issue with the.." Me (interrupting him): "Yeah, Frank Yada, yada, yada." Example Two: Me: "Hey Richard did payroll get that issue taken care of for you?" Richard: "Actually I was going to ask you..." Me (interrupting him): "Yeah, Richard Yada, yada, yada." Example Three: Me: "Hey Guy did your supervisor give you a good review?" Guy: "You know what, he actually..." Me (interrupting him): "Yeah Guy, yada, yada, yada." See how this would help eliminate me taking on their burdens? Pretty effective, don't you think? Man, I should be the HR director.

I actually had fun. I know, it's amazing. After two months of tortuous boredom with only brief intermittent moments of relief, I actually went out and spent several hours not thinking about work, how much my family needs therapy or how much I hate the IE. AMAZING. I about fell over when the realization set in. I actually felt like a normal 27 year old doing stuff people my age do. Whoa. I went to an amusement park with someone that seem relatively normal and had a good time. I know what you're thinking...YOU actually met someone normal??? AND you had a good time??? It's just not possible. It will be tough to keep up my crappy dating record now that I met someone normal, but hey I'm willing to let the record die. But anyway, let's not go nuts here. We just met. Next week he could turn into a freaked out psycho stalker. Like Dad says, you can hide crazy for quite awhile if you want to. Will see how long this one hides it. :) Bad news, the Broncos won. Bastards. Good news, the Pats lost. HA! Bastards. More news, KC plays at Oakland tonight. I hate Oakland. Bastards. Ryan Newman beat Tony Stewart in the last lap of the race. Bastard. Doesn't matter though, he still doesn't have a prayer of winning the cup. I'm now even boring myself, so I will cut this off. (See?? Having fun stuff happen isn't nearly as exciting to write about.)

Marry Me -The Vandals Young girl says to her mom, How did you know that father was the one? Then mom just rolls her eyes She says, You'll find that special guy but to herself she cannot lie She says, I'm praying for the day I die and they bury me Then boy become a man He finds that special one who understands He knows 'twas meant to be her faults he cannot see &now he's down on bended knee I pledge my love eternally,will you marry me? Do you take this woman? I don't! Do you take this man? I don't! For the rest of your awful life she is your lawful wedded wife Do you take this woman? I don't! Do you take this man? I don't! Eternal agony in holy matrimony The two now joined as one and from this holy union comes a son and the cycle begins again, another fool is on his knee Where is my alimony? Hang yourself from the family tree, Say marry me Menopause, mid-life crisis, moments for the rest of your life 'Til death do you part, 'til the kids leave home she is your wife(June?) Just look at your parents strife Imagine that for the rest of your life Do you take this women? Indubitably I don't

So here's the thing: Life is sucking my will to live at the moment. Somewhat ironic, huh? I shouldn't just clump it all together like that and let all of life take the blame, but shit man, I'm f'ing tired!! Alright, the guilt is getting to me. I'll break it down for ya. Professional life is kickin' ass. Everything is going well, loving the job, the people I work with, etc. It's hectic and very demanding, but I am enjoying it. Only bad thing is it wears me out and by the end of the day I have no energy or patience for a personal life. And that is the part that sucks ass right now. I have all this stress and pressure to get a house rented so mom and I can move out of Grandma's because, well to be blunt, grandma's nuttier then squirrel terds. So I have been busting my ass to find a place which I do but then mom let's it all fall on me to get it all squared away. Which has been very time consuming and distracting. I have a serious job now, I can't afford to be distracted here people! So I finally bust my ass and get it all taken care of and today I have to drive out to Beaumont (for the second time this week) to hand off the deposit and first month's rent as well as the rental agreement. Oh yeah and did I mention that in order to do that I had to drive all the way to Dad's house last night and pick up a check from him to help cover some of the costs since I have ZERO cash saved up. Why do I have ZERO cash saved up you ask? Because my dad married a psycho bitch who I couldn't tolerate living with because um yeah she's NUTS so I had to move in with Grandma instead of staying with dad and saving CASH. And NOW instead of staying with Grandma and saving cash I have to go and get a place because um yeah SHE's CRAZY TOO!. Anyone sensing a pattern here with my family? And then Dad has the nerve to inform me this is a "loan." Oh yeah? Well F-U. I wouldn't even be in this mess if I hadn't bought all of the smoke you blew up my ass about moving out here and how wonderful and perfect everything would because you would help me with everything. Not to mention the 15K you gave Jennifer for her divorce or all o fthe cash you've paid the courts to keep David out of jail (around 20K). And me? What have given me? You paid the thousand bucks to get my stuff out here. WOW, hope I didn't leave ya in the poor house. So you can just put this "loan" on my tab and I'll be sure to get to it after I've paid off all of my student loans and my children's (you know, the ones that aren't born yet). SO that brings us to TODAY. I had to take the check dad gave me, give it to mom so then mom could turn around and write me a check for the $1600 that I would then have to go to the bank and turn into a Cashier's check to give the landlord. So I haul ass out of work at one to go to the bank instead of actually taking a lunch. I get there and it's nuts, line is longer then shit. I get up to the window and realize I can't find the f'ing check from my mom. OH SHIT, I've just "misplaced" a $1600 check. So I'm freaking out and searching frantically through my purse and this woman behinds me tells me that if I lost a check, she turned one in to the info desk back at the entrance. I have to go get it and get back in line! I get up to the front of the line and head on to a teller and the chick tells me that line was only for straight deposits. I whine about what happened earlier and she takes pity on me and helps me anyway. Woohoo, not so bad, huh? Yeah, zip it, I ain't done yet. End of the day arrives, I'm trying to jam out of work to head to Beaumont to meet the landlord, but 85 things keep coming up. I finally manage to sneak away at 5:15. But then I look at the Rental Agreement on the way to the car and realize I have the check made out to the wrong name for the landlord. SHIT. So I have to drive like a bat out of hell back to the bank and the f'ing line is TWICE as long as it was at lunch. That's twice as long as shit, SERIOUSLY long. I sit through the line, which I finally get to the front of just in time to retire and move to Idaho. And I get the same freakin' teller I had earlier (yes, dumbass I was in the right line this time). I explain to her that I am a moron and made the check out to the wrong name. I whine about having to get all the way to Beaumont in 20 minutes now. She lives in Beaumont and says I can still make it. She's done in a flash (swell girl) and I am on the way back to the car. I get to the end of the sidewalk while I am digging in my purse for my keys WHICH I CAN'T FIND. As I begin to panic, dump my purse on the ground and continue to search through the bottomless pit while thinking I am the biggets dingbat ever to walk the earth, out comes the teller with my keys becuase I left them at the counter. She's my savior, the light at the end of the tunnel, the wind beneath my wings, yada yada yada. I jam down the 60 driving like a maniac and make it to the house by 6:01. NO ONE'S THERE. We had decided to meet between 5:30 and 6. I call the landlord. She' s stuck in traffic. Won't be able to get there any sooner then 6:30pm. I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner at 7 or 7:30. I've already had enough of this BS for the day and would like to move on to something that is actually FUN and not stressful. So I ask her if I can just leave the agreement and the check with the maintence guy that lives across the street. She calls him, he agrees and comes over. He talks my arms and legs off for 20 minutes and even manages to hit on me. He's a retired (60+), native american with a MULLET. My dy is now f'ing complete. My new neighbor has managed to put me in an amazingly awkward situation within the first 5 minutes of meeting him. SWELL, this ought to be a great place to live. Now I am back on the highway thinking about how amazingly drained I am, but again driving like a bat out of hell to get somewhere. Why you ask? Because I told someone I would be there and I keep my word. I call the person I am supposed to meet for dinner, you know the fun part of my day, the part I am looking forward to. NO ANSWER. I call my mom next and tell her what utilities we need to get started up and ask her if she can handle it because I'm all tapped out on balancing home life and work life. She actually whines and tries to act like she can't. OH HELL NO. You WILL do this since I saved your ass from Grandma and in the process managed to get my own chewed off. But anyway, back to the dinner scenario... So I'm thinking to myself, "If he doesn't call by the time I get to my exit to head home, screw it. I'll go home." BUT NOOOOOOOO. I have that disgusting nice gene that all woman have been tainted with from birth. The one that makes you put everyone else's needs and feelings before your own. So two exits AFTER my one to go home, I am now DEAD STOPPED in traffic and he finally calls. Okay cool, I'm glad I didn't head home. 15 minutes into the conversation while I am still stuck in traffic about 3-4 miles past my exit he says he would rather just skip tonight and hang out on Saturday. Uh huh, yeah sure. WHATEVER. Please pass the vodka and the cigarettes now, or the razor so I can slit my wrists, you are so sucking my will to live here. FINE. But do I say anything to him about my two BIGGEST pet peeves: 1) People that don't return phone calls and 2) people who break plans at the last minute...uhhhhhh...yeah nooooooooo. Why? Because I'm too f'ing nice DAMMIT. Why can't I just let my inner bitch run free? Anyway back to the rest of my evening. Now I have to somehow get off the highway and figure out how to get home. I can't go back to my exit because the other side of the highway is jammed worse then the side I was on. I manage to figure it out, because I'm just cool like that and get back to the general area where I immediately head straight for Del Taco to drown my sorrows in high-calorie fried food since no alcohol or cigarettes are readily accessible. I get back home and my mom complains about being hungry (as if implying why didn't I get her something, forget the way to the fridge or what??). Then we head to the house we are watching to get away from my grandma and watch TV. So what does my mom do? She starts scrubbing the kitchen. So how much crack do you smoke on a daily basis mom? Why can't she just sit still like normal people???? Why is having a personal life such a pain in the ass??? If I can't even handle this much how the hell will I ever maintain friends or get a boyfriend??? This is so annoying. I am now firmly resolved in becoming one of those crazy career women that wake up at 45 and realize they have wasted all of their good years working. Yeah, I'm cool with that, as long as I can afford good vodka and cigarettes.;) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I feel WAY better. (Not as good as if I had drank a bottle of vodka and smoked a pack of cigarettes, but good enough;)

Alright so I have a serious concern. Is insanity contagious? I would appreciate any and all insight on this matter pronto people! I am currently living with a woman who is nuttier then squirrel terds. In case you aren't picken' up what I'm throwin' down here, SHE' S COOKOO, completely bonkers, got a screw loose, etc. My grandmother is a nutball. I have decided her take on reality is completely unique. I doubt anyone sees it like she does. And you know what it means when your reality is different from everyone else's? YOUR CRAZY. Thus my concern is, if I have to continue to share living space with her for the time being, will I become that way too? Is craziness like the vacuum of a blackhole sucking everyone in? If I start to act like a complete looney bin please begin shoving Prozac and Lithium down my throat pronto. (I don't know if the Lithium will really help, I heard you can get a killer buzz from it though...:) Okay, enough family bashing for at least this half of the day. So I got a grown up job. It's salaried. Which means they can work me into the ground and not have to compensate me for it. :) But it also means this job is important enough to count as a career rather then just your standard at least it's a paycheck assortment. SERIOUS STUFF. And I am considerably nervous. I can't blow this. This job could/ will be monumental in my progression toward success. (And don't ask me to define success because I have no clue what "success means to me" and I am not in the mood to create a college freshmen-esque type essay to define a meaning.) If I cut it at this job it means I can cut it anywhere in the HR field. I could actually move to an area I LIKE. I could be considered important for once in my scrawny little life. I will actually have an impact on the day to day operations of a major company. Okay, enough thinking like this...I'll be curled up in the fetal position under my chair if I keep this up. Let's talk about football. The season FINALLY starts this week. WOOHOOOOOOO. Don't get me wrong, baseball rocks, but jesus christ!! Do they really need to play that many freakin' games? I mean surely it doesn't take over 100 games to figure out who sucks and who doesn't. GEESH. But anyway, my favorite time of year is upon us again and one of the best sports ever created has returned. Although I must say if the pre-season should be any indication to how my teams will perform this year, I will be seriously screwed. The Colts actually got CREAMED by the Bengals. I mean HELLO Peyton Manning can we get it together here? THE BENGALS??? You should be cowering in shame. The only one of my teams that shows some promise is Pittsburgh, thank God for them. Otherwise I would be forced to become a seriously bitter and resentful fan. But I am hoping the pre-season what just about everyone getting back in their groove before they get down to business and start opening a few cans of whoop ass. I am still full of hope and promise that my boys will come through.