Superfluous Baloney

My Dad was cleaning out his office, as he seriously hates to do but my step-mom requires him to on a monthly basis, and as he always does ends up giving me a great deal of items that I will most likely never use. However, this last time was a bit different. In addition to the mounds and mounds of tablets of paper, briefcases, leather binders, etc. he gave me a book from a seminar his company put on about how to read people's faces. I have to admit I have been completely captivated by the whole idea. I started to read it yesterday and was immediatly engrossed in it. Although it is a bit overwhleming at first (LOADS of information) it seems a very handy skill once one could perfect it. It talks about the way light falls on a face, what different eyebrows, eye shapes, noses, chins, cheeks, foreheads, etc. can reveal about a person's character. AND how all faces are not symetrical because the right side represents the right side of the brain, which controls logic and reasoning, and the left side is a window into the left portion of the brain, the side that controls emotion. This is supposed to mean that the right side of a person's face represents how they conduct themselves in the business world and the left side signifies how they react in their personal lives. This is an actualy science called Physiognomy and actually dates back to Hippocrates and Aristotle. It's all very intriguing and already I am catching myself making mental notes of how much the forehead slants on the grocery store checker or how thick the eyebrows are on the bank teller. And although I haven't mastered the art of actually remembering what each feature signifies, I have made an effort to make a mental note and reference check them later in the book. I plan on going over the book a few times and then doing more research online and maybe even look for a few books at the library. This would be an insanely useful skill to master. It would help with personnel management, interviews, deciphering a new boss or even a potential date. I am very much interested in masting the technique so that I can begin to apply it. And at the very least it would be quite interesting to do a face reading and then approach the person and see if your assumptions were correct.

This is me the day before the drive. Don't I look calm and surreal and naive? Unknowing of the torment and torture that lie ahead... Goodbye Green Missouri, land of relaxtion and hospitality and really hot country boys... I discover, 48 minutes into the trip, that driving makes Rosa really sleepy. She seriously slept almost the entire 29 hours of the trip. I would have too if she would have shared her secret stash of Valium and Vodka. Selfish bitch...:) Texas, uh yeah okay, whatever. Ever smelled a stock yard in the summer?(You will note there are no pictures of Oklahoma. The reason being who gives a F about OK? It's flat, ugly and filled with annoying people like my ex-husband.) On a brighter note... My toes in Texas. Let's face it, although they are not very photogenic, they are the most attractive pair in a 1500 mile radius. NEEEEEWWWWWW Mexico... Not nearly as pretty as I remember it, of course that might have something to do with the fact that by the time we reached it I was 12 hours into the trip and bored out of my freakin' mind. Arizona, by far the prettiest of the tolmoltuous states we crossed. You will note there are no pictures from when I arrived in California. This is because that occurred 24 hours into the trip. That's 24 hours of DRIVING, this does not include the evening hours we spent sleeping Monday night. Oh yeah AND it was 123 degrees oustide and we had to drive out of needles with no AC on as to not overheat the damn car. It sucked but I'm here, right? Too bad here sucks at the moment too...

For 6 years I did my own thing. I made my own money, I drove my own car, I paid my own way through school, I lived under my own roof. And now with one decision I have reliquished all the control and taken 500 steps backward. I have now been demoted to nothing. I decided to move back here. In doing so I have agreed to having no control. I am even told when to eat. I have no money of my own. I have to ask my parents when I even want $5 and then I have to provide an explination as to what I need it for. How did I let myself become so demeaned? I am frustrated, annoyed, lonely, scared, defensive and angry. I want my own space, my own money, my own freedom. I want to go out without providing an explination. I want to have an income in which I decide where my money goes and how it is spent. How do I regain some control? And can I do anything about this but blog? No, I can't even talk to anyone about it. When I do I am met with nothing but, "it'll be alright, everything will be fine, you just need to get back on your fee." Oh yeah? Well when the fuck is that going to happen? How much of this can I take and still be able to salavage an ounce of my self-esteem? Not much. I have to get a job and quickly. I need income and a reason to get out of the house everyday. I know they say God knocks you down so he can build you back up to be even better then you were before. Well, He sure has made himself a very nice project because I am lower then I have been in years. I guess I floated along for long enough in His eyes and it was time for a very large obstacle. They say a year from now you will look back on this and realize how much the experience helped you to grow. That maybe true, but that seems like a long time away. A year will seem like a century right now. I have managed to break my own heart. I've gotten so good at deflecting attempts from others, that now I am attacking it myself. I've lost something that I have valued more then anything else over the last 6 years, my independence. And I'm also realizing I am SO not ready to take on anyone else. I need to focus on me and building a career, secure an income. It's the only thing that will free me from this self-inflicted prison I so willingly created for myself. What a mess I have become. In a year I have managed to make myself into one of the most reserved, mistrusting, unmotivated pieces of crap I know. But how do I fix it? How do I start to take back the control? I know I can start with the job hunt. Once I do that I can begin to focus on each other piece until I am back in control of my life. But how do you prepare yourself to be with someone again? I am afraid that after rebuilding myself for the second time in my life I will only become more reserved and mistrusting as I won't want to take the chance of anyone taking it away again. Even myself. All I know is that in a matter of a few weeks I have lost about 95% of my self-esteem and confidence. I traded my life for someone else's. Where is my resolve? My ambition? My determination? Will I ever find it again? I never could have prepared myself for the reprecussions this move would bring. It's like it's shaken me down to my soul.

Today I went and got my oil changed. Why is when you are woman you can't JUST get your oil changed. They have to reccomend 7 other services from checking your headlight fluid to adjusting your night vision rear deflectors. They can't just let you get the damn oil change. They mention all of these other things that need to be done or you will end up stranded and alone on the side of the road somewhere because you are all alone because if you weren't you would have your husband here telling us to blow it out our ass and to just change the damn oil. So I spent $165 to get my oil changed. Not that I'm bitter or anything... Then I went and got my car washed. Another $20 bucks because they decided that my car is "oversized" so it's extra. What are they trying to imply? Because I have a plus size car I deserved to be discriminated against and judged by it's obescity AND have to pay extra???? Alright, so maybe I'm a bit over sensitive today.;) So, yeah I'm PMSing. What's it to ya???? Then someone mentions to me that they may have to leave for training for two 1/2 months pretty soon. Although it is too soon to ponder such things, in my present state, I am in no frame of mind to be logical. Don't they understand that I have spent 7 years of my life waiting for the wrong person? Why should I have to wait anymore? Why can't crap just be simple and a relationship just evolve normally with no outside interference? Why I am so attracted to guys in a uniform?:) I don't want to sit around and wait for you to do you little stint in GA while I try to pretend that I am a patient person. I don't want to waste anymore time on the wrong people. And although I don't know if this is the right person or not, it's still annoying to think about. Ask me about this next week when my hormones are back at a reasonable level and I will tell you it's too early to worry about such things. Why can't you just pop a pill each month when it's that time and keep your hormones at a reasonable level in which you can still think with some clarity without being an emotional mess. You know when you start crying at Dawson Creek re-runs you are in one for hell of a week on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Men will so never understand what that feels like.

Being the mean Aunt Rolla that I am, and as it seems I am currently in charge of the rat pack, I made the three girls clean their room. (Hey! This is about self-preservation man. They can't swim in the pool until after lunch and they were driving me nuts! I had tocome up with something for them to do.) I told them to get started an hour ago. The first thirty minutes were spent doing a whole lot of everything BUT cleaning. To help increase the motivation factor, I threw out there that they couldn't go out of the room until it was clean, no matter how long it took. That seemed to do the trick. They just came down a few minutes ago to tell me they were ready for inspection. (I was halted before reaching the second step, as another of the pack members stated they forgot a section and needed a few more minutes.) As I began to ascend the stairs, I remebered what it was like to have an adult tell you to clean your room and the anxiety you felt as they approached to complete the inspection. It cracked me up. The little look in their eyes as they hold their breath and hope that they will please you. The anxiousness across their furrowed brows as they wait for a reaction from me. That stuff is the cutest, and also a tab bit depressing. Although it was quite adorable, it made me feel like my mother which made me feel old! :) But it also made me realize how ready I am to take on my own version of that role. If watching four kids all week can't prepare you for motherhood, nothing can. I was just informed by the youngest member of the rat pack that they are still not ready. It seems there was a considerable amount more to do then had been originally anticipated. I mean I am Aunt Rolla, no shotty, half-assed room cleaning will suffice. What they don't know is, I don't care how clean the room gets. I am just pleased that I managed to occupy over an hour of their time with very little effort while I sat on the couch and watched TV. Being an adult is cool.