Superfluous Baloney

I'm bored and NOPE I'm not at work. I have learned in my first three days of unemployment that not only am I easily amused, but I am also easliy bored. In order for me to prevent myself from crossing the line from easily amused to easily bored, there has to be some sort of stimulis. The size, granduer, length, of the stimulis (wow, that could be perceived as dirty...;) doesn't matter, I just have to have one. And with no work and not a lot of contact with the outside world, I cross into the dark abyss of boring easily. And as I have recently decided my fate, I have two and a half more weeks of potential boredom ahead. I have to admit that is not a very appealing prospect. I imagine some of the time will be filled with a few humurous blogs, as I tend to become an even bigger smartass the more sleep I get. And with a propensity to sleep a great deal when I have spare time on my hands, I am going to be one huge smartass after two and a half weeks. A smartass with no outlet is a dangerous thing. Someone is going to get to take the brunt of the pent up sarcasm and quick witted, biting responses. Who should my victim be? I will need to choose carefully. It will have to be a thick skinned individual who has the amazing ability to throw it back in my face. Someone who can keep up with my banter and play along. But oh yeah, wait...I don't know anyone like that...YET.

I'm ready. Come on, fork it over. I want my hand out now. There is no pride involved here, I am just ready to catch a break. For once, I am not going to be stubborn and force myself to work my ass off to get no where fast. I did that once, six years ago and this is where it lead me. So, cut the ties and start over again. Hopefully it will be the last time, and because I am choosing to NOT do it alone this time it has to work out better. I will go home with nothing and eventually end up with everything that I have been looking for. It's funny how it takes a major, life altering event to make you realize what you need in your life. And what I need is a freakin' break. A chance to take the easier way out just once and end up on top. And at least this time, if I don't, I will have a lot of people there to catch me when I fall. People here will be disappointed when I tell them I am going and try vehemently to defend my decision. For their own selfish reasons they will give me every excuse in the world to stay here. But they aren't me. They haven't been what I have been through in the last six years. Some don't know what it's like to be so far away from family, and those who do don't know what it's like to go through a divorce alone and struggle through every day trying to make the best of nothing. And if they know anything about me, they will know I no longer make rash decisions. When I make up my mind, it is usually after quite a bit of thought and consideration. And they should also know that no amount of attempted convincing will change my mind once I have ultimately decided. I know in my heart when I have decided, and I have decided. The last eight straight months of worrying on a daily basis about where I was heading and what I wanted are behind me. I have a plan and it has become my focus and my passion. I know it's the right choice because my optimism is back supporting it. I am excited about the prospects and know that I will have the opportunity to feel successful again. I read in a magazine that about every three years life really throws you a curveball and you have to go through a major metamorphosis. Although mine tend to come more frequently than that, this does seem to be true. But without each of these bumps in the road I would never grow and evolve as a person. So I suppose I can choose to look at it as yet another "learning experience" as well as a "blessing in disguise." Although I will be yet again experiencing a lot of new things WAY out of my comfort zone, I guess it's about time for that. I have been sedentary too long for a naturally restless traveler such as the Sagittarius. I'm just going to have to buck up and face the new challenges and get comfortable again with constant change. Surely your life slows down more after thirty, right? (if this isn't true, don't burst my bubble quite yet...Every body needs a little false hope to get them through a rough spot.;)

"Pessimism is only the name that men of week nerves give to wisdom." - Bernard De Voto "I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." - Winston Churchhill So which one do YOU buy into? Do you take a little from each? Does it depend on your mood? The situation? The day of the month? I don't know which one to follow so much anymore. I am an optimist by nature, and have frequently thrown caution to the wind (in my romantic life) in the hopes that all would work out and everything would be fine. But how many times has that bit me in the ass? Oh, hmmm, let me see now....well, there was that one time, and then two months ago, oh yeah and once then...yeah, ummmm pretty much EVERY time. Not that I am opposed to doing it, even if I get burned, but it would nice to just once, have it work out. I think the problems lies with, if I have to think about it a lot I don't want to do it. So I avoid thinking about it and allow myself to just go with the flow while assuming that the best possible scenario will occur. Yeah that works up until it doesn't. And then there is the problem with defining what the best possible scenario would be. I'm not even sure about what I would like to occur. Do I want one of these people I have dated to metamorphasize into my ideal mate? If I do, then that means I also want/am ready to begin dealing with someone other then myself on a regular basis. I was good at that at one point in my life, but have I lost that ability. Can you lose that ability? Or is to be compared to riding a bike (how cliche of me), once you know how, you always know how. I have gotten so used to floating through life, having to take no one into consideration, but myself. No one else's bad days, bad moods, personal problems, baggage, past, families, etc. Have I gotten so used to it that I don't know how to deal with it anymore? Have I oversimplified my life? I would like to think that if the right person were to come along I wouldn't mind dealing with all of those things, in addition to my own, on a regular basis. Is that naive and too much of a chick flick mentality or is that realistic? There's the little optimist again, rooting me on in my head with her gay little sparkly pom poms and her annoyingly perky pigtails. No matter how many times I try (or others try) to drag her down, she manages to have the endurance of half a football team. Well, if she's not going anyway I guess I better just suck it up and learn to enjoy it. I will stop trying to squish her irksome gregariousness and learn to accept it. I just can't seem to make myself succomb to philosophies of cynicism. I am an optimist by nature, I can accept that fate. There is no fighting nature. Damn the luck. :)

That's a rather general and bold statement I know. But they just do! Why do so many of the people that I have dated just pop back up like everything is just swell and all is right with the world??? A) Why would I want to talk to you? We stopped dating, remember? B) What makes you think I have time to talk to you? and C) You were a pain in the ass then and I would bet all money that you are a pain in the ass now!! I mean, what are they hoping? That I have been single long enough, that surely I have lowered my standards far enough to want to go out with YOU again? No such luck sweetheart. Take a number and move to the back of the line...I'll call you when I need someone to make me feel better about myself.

Wow, that sounds kind of deep, huh? I am definitely feeling restless these days. I am back to questioning myself and what the next chapter in my life should be. I don't know where I want to move or even IF I want to move. But I am insanely frustrated with my job and my serious lack of funds. I thought moving back home and not having a rent payment would be a good idea. But then my brother goes and pulls another one of his stunts and needs money again from Dad. Going back makes me feel like HIM. Or at least acting like him. I don't want to be viewed in the same light as him and my step-sisters. I think I would be happier staying here and finding a better job on my own. I think I liked the idea of taking the easy way out for once, but can't seem to allow myself to do it. And besides, Dad hasn't made any strides in finding me something anyway. I mean he handed David a job, but he doesn't seem overly motivated to help me. And he keeps making it sound like I am going to have to take some entry level, crap paying position. But Hell I can stay here and get one of those for crying out loud! That's NOT what I want. Not to mention if I moved all the way out there just to get stuck in something like that I would be worse off then I am now because everything is SO expensive out there. I am not intersted in some stupid little job that only pays $15 an hour. That's lame and not worth a cross country move. But how do you tell your dad that who is already busting his ass trying to make everyone else happy, that it's YOUR turn without sounding like a spoiled brat and making him feel bad?? I don't feel like I have the right to jump up and down and say "over here, over here." I feel guilty (although deserving) when I ask for his help and or attention. I think I just gave myself a headache...

I think I have it today. I can't seem to focus on a damn thing. My brain is all scattered about (now THAT is a lovely mental picture!). It started last night at around 3:30am. I woke up, WIDE awake, and began to think about a million stupid things. The ole noggin would NOT shut off. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night (rarely occurrs) it is not a good sign. Then I overslept for about 30 minutes. Not enough to make me late, just enough to make me hurry. I'm not a hurrier in the morning so I found that slightly annoying. I did see a very cute dog with his little head out the sliding window on a pickup truck. His big ears were pointing straight up. SO very cute. But I digress (SEE WHAT I MEAN???)... I just CANNOT focus. I keep having to make myself complete tasks. Because in this line of business if you don't do something right then, you are going to be screwed. SO, I keep having to have willpower and fight off the temptation to goof around. YUCK, who likes to do that? I have have my head in the clouds, but my feet are on the ground. Some kind of underlying issue is nagging at my self-conscious not allowing me to focus on my day. It's going to drive me nuts and not allow me to get a damn thing done today until I figure it out. I think my dad calls this "Head up the Ass Syndrome." I prefer ADD myself. Ah, hell. Maybe I just had too much caffiene this morning.

I read this article today from the AP wire on Yahoo. It was about how someone in the Financial Aid department at KU sent out an e-mail to 119 failing students, telling them they were receiving Fs and were in danger of having their aid dropped. Whoever sent it, sent it out to all addresees using the regular To: field in e-mail in stead of the Blind Copy field. Thus, EVERYONE that received the e-mail had a list of everyone else that was failing and taking out financial aid. There is actually a Federal Act that prohibits this type of information from being distributed, so the school could be facing Federal fines even. MAN!! The individual that generated the e-mail was probably in a rush one day last week. They had a hectic day. The baby was up all night crying or their three year old had a brad dream and woke them up at 3am. They were late dropping the kid off at the sitters and worrying about how they would shuttle one kid to baseball practice at the same time the other child had dance lessons. Their boss scheduled one meeting on top of the other all day long and they didn't even have time for lunch. And then they remembered the deadline for that e-mail had come around, the one that tells students to get it together before they lose the Fincial Aid. So they hastily wrote it up and sent it out. Then it hit them....OH SHIT. I forgot to use the f'ing Bcc field. I'm toast... How many times has one TINY mistake, misjudgement, error, moment of forgetfullness, etc. just fucked your life up royally? OMG, in my job it happens on a regular basis. Because this job is so crazy detail oriented, but they never give you the chance to manage the details before they are throwing more at you. But never to this degree. I mean, so I piss a few people off with a little inconvenience for a bit. Whatever, get over it. The next time I am miserable here and getting pissed at myself because I forgot to call some stupid therapist about a schedule change I am going to think about the little person in the finacial aid office at KU, who's butt is now in a sling becuase they simply clicked one wrong button.

So, I'm reading this book about being lost in your twenties and how to figure out what the hell to do with your life. (Side bar-why do I always start off with So???) Hold on genius, I'm only on chapter two, so NO I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. Hell, I can't even figure out where I want to live, let alone what I want to do when I get there. I think I would be really happy working with animals everyday. But where, and can I live off of what I would make there?? Ummmmm, probably not. Kind of cranky today, and yes I am aware it probably shows. My friend Tina in Topeka just sent pics of her baby again. He is going on 4 months I think? Yeah I asked her to go to the movies two weeks ago. She JUST got back to me to tell me June was all booked up but maybe in July. Need I remind you that I stood up with you as your maid of honor in your wedding wearing one of the most god awful dresses ever created on this earth????? I think that alone entitles me to at least one day of your time each month. I mean woohoo for you, you finally got the baby that you always wanted. I am glad. He's adorable. But that doesn't mean the rest of us are okay with being pushed to the side while you engulf youself in the realm of motherhood. Watch out, I think I might bite today...

I’ve got another confession to make I’m your fool Everyone’s got their chains to break Holdin’ you Were you born to resist or be abused? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Are you gone and onto someone new? I needed somewhere to hang my head Without your noose You gave me something that I didn’t have But had no useI was too weak to give in Too strong to lose My heart is under arrest again But I break loose My head is giving me life or death But I can’t choose I swear I’ll never give in I refuse Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel Your trust, you must Confess Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh... Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel The life, the love You die to heal The hope that starts The broken hearts Your trust, you must Confess Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? I’ve got another confession my friend I’m no fool I’m getting tired of starting again Somewhere new Were you born to resist or be abused? I swear I’ll never give in I refuse Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel Your trust, you must Confess Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?Oh...

Rows and floes of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons ev’rywhere I’ve looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun They rain and snow on ev’ryone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It’s cloud illusions I recall I really don’t know clouds at all Moons and junes and ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way you feel As ev’ry fairy tale comes real I’ve looked at love that way But now it’s just another show You leave ’em laughing when you go And if you care, don’t let them know Don’t give yourself away I’ve looked at love from both sides now From give and take, and still somehow It’s love’s illusions I recall I really don’t know love at all Tears and fears and feeling proud To say I love you right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds I’ve looked at life that way But now old friends are acting strange They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed Well something’s lost, but something’s gained In living ev’ry day I’ve looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It’s life’s illusions I recall I really don’t know life at all I’ve looked at life from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It’s life’s illusions I recall I really don’t know life at all

So I started my weekend a teensy weensy bit early, as in Thursday night. Crap day at work (there's a shock), hell it was a crap week, and I needed to blow off some steam. Thus my run in with a bottle of Schmirnoff Vanilla Vodka and Diet Coke last night. But I never get hang overs! Unless I drink vodka without eating anything. Oh yeah, last night I drank vodka without eating anything. So now I am sitting here at work in a vegetative state, wishing that the pounding headache and contstant nausiousness along with the deep desire to learn to sleep with my eyes open would stop. I'll never drink again, I swear it!! Well, okay, I won't drink again for at least another five or six hours when I go meet my friends at the bar later. Don't worry about me though, I'll be fine once I get a little Vodka and Diet Coke in me. ;)

...from two people who are WAY to young to have any wisdom and are still pathetically single. Rule #1: Never discuss if you want to be "exclusive", "go steady" or "just date each other", after a few months it should just be assumed. Rule #2: Should you break rule #1 go to the nearest wall and start banging your head against it immediatly. Get used to that sensation because that is what you will be feeling from here on out. Rule 3: Never go to bed angry with each other. Alternatives – a) drink heavily until you have forgotten entirely what you were angry about and so crazed with drunken animal passion that it really doesn’t matter anymore or b) say you’re sorry and still probably get laid. Rule 4: Time apart occasionally isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Especially if she wants to do something like paint her nails or watch cars drive around in circles on tv. Rule 5: Sexist, dark ages, Ward Cleavers are really really cool. So are French maid outfits with no bloomers. Rule 6: Anytime she starts to argue with you just stop and say, "You're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry." Gauranteed sex everytime. (You don't even have to sound sincere.) Rule 7: Never EVER call drunk off your ass at three am and expect to get some. Call a hooker instead. Rule 8: Get in fights often because the makeup sex is worth all the crap you go through to get it. Rule 9: The man is always right (except when the girl involved says he’s not or when she says she’s right or when he decides later that he really wasn’t right after all or when he’s confused or drunk or high or tired or depressed or way too freakin happy and agreeable…). Rule10: It is the secret fantasy of not only all men, but of all women as well (they just might not know it yet) to be involved in a three-way (and NOT with two dudes). Rule 11: You can tell nearly everything from the first kiss (unless you’re really drunk at the time – in that case, wait until the next morning and you can then tell everything by whether or not she burns the toast). Rule 12: If you can't have an orgasim just fake a few moans so he'll hurry up and get off you. Rule 13: Gifts and flattery will get you everywhere. Rule 14: NEVER EVER answer this question honestly: "Does this make my butt look big?" ALWAYS answer: "Heck no! Your butt is exquisit, even J-Lo would be envious." Rule 15: Tell him he’s ‘huge’ no matter what. Rule 16: Tell him it’s okay that he only lasted 30 seconds and that you still love him, even if the truth is that all the stress relief you were planning on is still bottled up inside of you and you suddenly are thinking that maybe smacking his head off the headboard for awhile might make you feel a wee bit better. Rule 17: If you’re ‘in the mood’ and he doesn’t appear to be, try seducing him (i.e. touching him pretty much in any way) and chances are he will be pretty quickly as well. If not, he’s probably gay. Rule 18: With laughter, you can get through a lot. Rule 19: If his friends refer to him as the One Pump Chump, get a vibrator. It could save your life and possibly his. Rule 20: If she is being bitchy never respond with, "Is it that time of the month?" unless you had planned on sleeping on the couch for the next week anyway. Rule 21: If you think he is going to say no to something get him all hot and bothered and before you finish the job, ask him the question. If he tries to say No get up and start walking away, he'll change his mind in a jiffy. Rule 22: Never imply "that time of the month" is no big deal. As soon as you start gaining 8lbs in water weight, putting a cork or a diaper in between your legs, feeling like someone has your uterus between a pair of vice grips, and experiencing the uncontrolable desire to rip someones head off once a month, we can talk. Rule 23: Sex is a powerful weapon for a woman, use it wisely and use it often.

News article title posted on the AP website: Jackson Ending Sleepovers in His Room By LINDA DEUTSCH, AP Special Correspondent Ya think, ya moron???

- Bright Eyes When the president talks to God Are the conversations brief or long? Does he ask to rape our women’s' rights And send poor farm kids off to die? Does God suggest an oil hike When the president talks to God? When the president talks to God Are the consonants all hard or soft? Is he resolute all down the line? Is every issue black or white? Does what God say ever change his mind When the president talks to God? When the president talks to God Does he fake that drawl or merely nod? Agree which convicts should be killed? Where prisons should be built and filled? Which voter fraud must be concealed When the president talks to God? When the president talks to God I wonder which one plays the better cop We should find some jobs. the ghetto's broke No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke That's what God recommends When the president talks to God Do they drink near beer and go play golf While they pick which countries to invade Which Muslim souls still can be saved? I guess god just calls a spade a spade When the president talks to God When the president talks to God Does he ever think that maybe he's not? That that voice is just inside his head When he kneels next to the presidential bed Does he ever smell his own bullshit When the president talks to God? I doubt it I doubt it

I swear if I deal with one more cranky woman today I'm gonna deck someone. Is it my fault you couldn't sleep last night, or that your dumbass signed up for a night shift when you usually work days or that your PMSing or better yet that you are Menopausal? Is it my fault you have a wittle cold and you don't feel good or that someone pissed in your Wheaties first thing this morning? NO NO NO. It's not my fault, so do me a freakin' favor and go suck your thumb in the fuckin' corner out of my way because no one GIVES A SHIT. Go be a bitch at home, take it out on your husband, yell at your kids, kick the dog, scream at the lady taking orders in the drive thru at McDonalds, I don't give a shit just get the fuck away from me! I mean COME ON, you're sucking my will to live over here!!!!

Why do people call you to "catch up" and then proceed to completely ignore you when you go into detail about exactly what is up. I have spent many, many hours on the phone, sitting at the kitchen table, sharing desert at the local Denny's, etc. while friends go on and on about the most recent debacle in their life. Did I only half listen while pre-occupying myself with my double decker banana split or grill cheese and fries? No, I sit there listening to them and trying to provide confirmation, support, advice, or whatever it was they were looking for. When I seek this same response from one particular person in my life I am met with some lame and DELAYED "uh huhs, yeahs, that stinks" while it is 100% apparent that she isn't listening to a word I have said and provides NO feedback, no support, no words of encouragement. It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to receive her complete undivided attention now that she is so blissfully in love and her life is just coming up roses. And then I am ALWAYS interrupted with some weak excuse as to why she must now get off the phone after only 7 minutes or less of imaginary listening but she always ends with a "I'll call you back later tonight" which we both know actually means "I will call you when I need you to drive all the way up to do something for me again." Why are all of female friendships so fucking onesided? No wonder I have so many male friends. They don't even pretend to listen.

So I heard back from my one last hope of getting to the bottom of this whole bad taste in men fiasco the easy way. I'm not sure I buy his response though. He says its because I slept with them too quickly. If I would postpone sex I would be better equipped in judging men accurately. Hmmmm, yeah, uh NO. That's not it. I am not one to mistake good sex with the euphoria of love. I know the difference between love and lust. So that leaves me with my last option of doing it the hard way by trying to figure it out myself. Dammit.

I have had time to sit and ponder some things, mainly because I'm at work. And what does that mean? I'm fucking bored. So I have been sitting here trying decide when exactly I started to have such crappy taste in men. I don't think this has always been the case. I think I have met some pretty good ones previous to this year. But as of late I have REALLY bad taste in men. Which makes me ponder even deeper about things like am I becoming my mother??? (She has horrible taste in people period. Can't even limit it to the male species.) Sorry, Side Bar: Can I just tell you HOW ANNOYING people are who have persistent nagging coughs and won't get a fucking drink of water???? I mean HELLO, Do something for crying out loud. Don't just sit there and continue to hack up a lung in the chair next to me. Sorry, but I just had to get that out. Back to me and men: So I am wondering when did I turn into such a bad judge of character? And is this a reflection on something that has broken down inside me? Do I just need to take a break from dating and put it on cruise control for awhile? Is this a problem with me and not with the men I am picking? What the hell broke and how the hell do I fix it dammit!! So I went to my painfully honest guy friends and asked them for insight on this issue. One had already come back and said he doesn't think I give them enough of a chance before I determine that they are not worth my time. What is enough time? How long are you supposed to put up with a douche bag before it can be deemed adequate and you can give him the boot? (Alright so the problem might be I am somewhat jaded...:) I mean if there is no chemistry there is no chemistry right? If the guy can't bother to return a phone call within a 72 hour time period that's reason enough right? Well, it is according to the pop culture book phenomenon "He's Just Not That Into You." Maybe romance movies have corrupted my standards, taking them to an unachievable level? It's possible to have a passionately loving relationship with a man that would build a whole house for you like he promised when he was 17 and wait for you to come back to him and when you do he steals you away from your amazingly rich and handsome fiance to live with him in the aforementioned house and then you flash forward to your days in a nursing home where he stays with you even though he doesn't need to be there and you can't even remember him because you have Alzheimer's then you both die at exactly the same moment in bed next to each other, I mean that's POSSIBLE RIGHT???? Yeah, maybe I should lay off the romance movies for awhile and stick to watching more realistic TV like Meet The Barkers on MTV. Maybe then I will find super skinny rockstars with multitudes of tattoos and lots of money more attractive. Because I can find one of those a lot easier RIGHT??? Or maybe I'll wait for the rest of my friends to tell me what they think. :)

So I told the aforementioned (in the post entitled "It Happened to Me") of my plans to head back home to Southern California. Needless to say that went over like a lead balloon. Ah, well what can you do? I have made too many decisions in my life based on how it would effect other people and I have ended up stuck in a dead end job with no moral support in site for 250 miles. So for once I make a decision that will benefit me and only me and I get the ax for it. What can you do, ya know? I'm a single gal with no roots, I'm supposed to be able to pick up and move 1500 miles with no notice, it's one of the rare benefits of such a lifestyle. And HEY, it's my turn for a little help. MY TURN to take a handout. I can move back to the land of fun in the sun and live for FREE, get a way better job and have access to a large population of single men. Hey there selfish, like you wouldn't take that and run with it? Bite me. Next I have the task of breaking the news to the best friend. One would think, logically, she would be happy for me. After all she is getting married in August and will gain a whole new family. She's busy 250 miles away with two kids (soon to be four after the nuptials) and the love of her life. I am the token single friend. I can be that from 1500 miles away just as easily. So I can't jump in the car and spend a weekend anymore, that's not so bad. I can just as easily hop on a plane. Oh yeah, because did I mention I will have a WAY better job and be living for FREE? I'll actually have that stuff they call money I have heard so much about. Don't hate the playa, hate the game...:) Jesus Christ I have to maintain some level of selfish sarcasm.;)