Superfluous Baloney

So, ouch. Dumped twice in one day. If Karma exists I have seriously screwed someone over along the way that I am noit currently recalling. What bothers me the most is that it and the way in which each one happened only confirmed the pessimistic force in my head that I have been trying to silence. No more. No more false hopes and unrealistic expectations. In fact, no more dating for a really long while. I just can't do it anymore. I can't continue to pretend that everything is okay and that I have a reason to stay here in KC. My reason left over a year ago and one has not come to take its place. So what am I doing here besides being stubborn? Why I am choosing to remain isolated away from the very few people who truly do love me and support me in every aspect of life. Their love is not contingent on how I look or my level of intelligence or my sense of humor. It is honestly the kind of unconditional love that you will only receive from family. That love will never come from another. Depsite their attempts to swear to you it is unconditional, it is impossible for others that are not bonded to you through similar genetic makeups to truly love you without conditions. Conditions are made instantly and they will never go away. I love you as long as you don't get fat, I love you as long as you will always be exactly as you are now, etc. I will not find that love in anyone else. I need to go home to my family where I can be supported and loved for no other reason that being just who I am.

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy—the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation. ~Eric Hoffer (1902–1983), U.S. philosopher Soooooooo, went on the (ridiculously, moronically, stupidly) highly anticipated date last night. And what happened, you dare to ask? The same damn thing that has happened ALL of the other millions and millions of times. NOTHING. It was one of the most akward experiences I have ever had. We met right before the movie started, which of course equated to no time for chit chat. Although I did try to chit and then maybe some chat while in the line for snacks. Went in to the theater, sat down, and five minutes later the movie started. I think he tried to keep his body as far away from mine as possibly. Barely even using the arm rest. For the first time on one of my dates I actually think someone was not attracted to me. I mean I know I am no freakin' bombshell or anything, but I don't think I tend to choose people out of my reach. Afterward we walked to our car, did some sort of awkward hug thing, he mentioned something about calling me tomorrow night (Is someone going to catch me when I pass out from holding my breathe??) and we left. Hmmmmm, so all the conversations we had through various forms of communication seemed to come from another person. They surely did not come from the man I sat next to at the movie theater. It was like we were not even there together. My only explination is that he must not have been attracted to me in person. Although almost everyone says I look exactly like my pictures. So I am not sure what it was about me in person that turned him off. Honestly, one of the most awkward dates I have ever had. I mean they are all that way at first, but usually the nervousness will subside and everyone lightens up. Not this time. Although I am not sure how we were supposed to lighten up when we didn't even look at each other, let alone speak. It was all very disconcerting and of course a HUGE let down. It made me feel like all of our conversations and the things that he said to me were just a lot of fluff. Although why does that surprise me? I keep going into these things thinking, "This one is different" and then I am disappointed when they are not. Why do I continue to do that to myself? This is honestly the last time. I am officially off the market until I decide what the hell I want to do. I mean come on? Why I am still holding on to the idea that I am going to meet someone here? I am going to start putting money away and if I still feel this way by the end of next fall I am moving home. It is stupid for me to continue to insist on staying here when there is nothing here to stay for. It's just foolish and I am just being stubborn and proud. And I'm tired. I just want to be around people that love me just the way I am and that is only family then I am fine with that.

It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness & of pain: of strength & freedom. The beauty of disappointment & never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature, & everlasting beauty of monotony. Benjamin Britten (1913–1976), British composer

Love’s way of dealing with us is different from conscience’s way. Conscience commands; love inspires. What we do out of love, we do because we want to do it. Love is, indeed, one kind of desire; but it is a kind that takes us out of ourselves and carries us beyond ourselves, in contrast to the kind that is self-seeking—a kind that includes the desire for the “extinguishedness” of Nirvana. Love is freedom; conscience is constraint; yet, in two points, our relation to love is the same as our relation to conscience. We are free to reject love’s appeal, as we are free to reject conscience’s command; yet love, like conscience, cannot be rebuffed with impunity. Rebuffed, love will continue to importune us; and this for the reason for which a violated conscience does. Love’s authority, like conscience’s, is absolute. Like conscience, too, love needs no authentication or validation by any authority outside itself. Speculations about love’s credentials, or lack of credentials, cannot either enhance or diminish love’s absoluteness. - A.J. (Arnold Joseph) Toynbee (1889–1975), British historian.

Alright so here am I am the same crossroads I have found myself standing before SOOOO many times. We click through e-mail, IM and the phone. Everything seems great, he seems to be everything I am looking for. But now there is all the anticipation building up to when we will actually meet. Will we click in person? Will this FINALLY be the one or will I just be disappointed like I was the last FIFTEEN freaking times. I am already getting annoyed just thinking about the possiblity of being disappointed again. The whole idea is just so frustrating. I am so tired of going through this well orchastrated dance. You throw out all of the generic info that you would typically share with any of your basic Larry, Moe or Curly. He throws some back. You chat on the phone with all that nervous energy and anticipation. Then you finally pick a time and place to meet. The day arrives. I plan what I will wear, get in the shower, do my hair, apply my makeup as perfectly as possible and finally get in the car. I drive up with my heart thundering in my throat. I frantically look around to see if I an spot anyone else frantically looking around. Nope, nobody. So I get out of the car and head in. Walk through the door and there he is. Look him up and down. He's not what I expected. Is anyone ever??? But he's not bad. I can do this. We get seated and we start the initial nervous banter. Within 5 minutes I am settled in and comfy, no more nerves. Mostly because I am A) not that attracted to him and B) Find he is more nervous then I am. (When the nervousness remains for me I know I like him.) The date continues. Alcohol gets involved and things lighten up. By the end of the date there is more touching, but I am still fairlin indifferent to the situation and find my eyes scanning the room for other attractive men. The night ends and I kiss him just to double check that I wasn't wrong on the whole chemistry issue. Nope, nothing. So I head home to Ms. Rosa. I wash my face and go to bed just like any other night. My little hopes and dreams and anticipation gone. I sigh, with the disappointment heavy inside me. But I push it down with the other feelings that I don't like. It's easier to ignore the farther down it is. But with each performance of this perfectly choreographed mamba the disappointment gets harder to push down. Each incident has built on top of the other until they are so high within me there is no pushing them down any longer. Then the disappointment turns to bitterness, annoyance, frustration. And it's aimed at the male species in general. Oh God, I'm becoming one of THOSE women. The type that makes sarcastic and biting comments when others speak of love and romance. The kind of woman that can't even be happy for others in love, let alone themselves. My eyes will turn hard with the bitterness and resentment. The realization that I could be single forever will slap me hard and cold in the face. The force of it so strong I actually take a step back and grab my chest as the air leaves my lungs. Each date, each incident of dowsed hope and trenchant disappointment, the slap becomes harder, more forceful. And with every slap I become more immune to it's sting, more accepting. I begin to plan my life around this realization. The dreams of romance like that displayed in the cinema is distinguished. Only a glimmmer of it remains, a mere spark. One last glowing ember. But yet it does glow. It still produces heat, although small. If someone where to recognize it. See it and all of it's glorious potential. If someone where to sift through the ashes a bit, just have a bit of patience. They could find the ember. They could use their breathe to give it more life. Just a small bit of air. It might start to grow and as it grows it might burn away at the disappointment. It might start to consume it until it is overpowered by the hope and optimism the ember posseses. The disappointment becomes a faint memory as the ember engulfs whatever remains of the bitterness and disappointment. As the ember burns another boy comes along. There is hope, excitement and anticipation as the dance begins again. The neverending cycle of a painfully optimistic (or is it ignorant?) single girl.

Artist:Avril Lavigne Song:He Wasn'tAlbum: Under My Skin There's not much going on today. I'm really bored, it's getting late. What happened to my Saturday? Monday's coming, the day I hate. Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. He isn't really what I'm looking for. This is when I start to bite my nails. And clean my room when all else fails. I think it's time for me to bail. This point of view is getting stale. Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. He isn't really what I'm looking for. Na na na na na, we've all got choices. Na na na na, we've all got voices. Na na na na na, stand up make some noise. Na na na na, stand up make some noise. Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. He isn't really what I'm looking for. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. Like I was special, cuz I was special.

I'm not so sure. So I saw some other people, does that make me a bad person? So I was sleeping with someone else while I wasn't sleeping with you. Does that mean I am selfish and a player? No, I don't buy it. I don't think it means I am any less worthy or some kind of dishonest person. If someone asks I am forthcoming with information regarding my extracurricular activities. I don't try to pretend that you are the only man on the planet. I give you my attention when I have the time and when I don't I am honest and state I have other plans. Is it my fault you assume that my time away from you is not spent with other men? I don't sleep with everyone I date and in fact I often don't sleep with any of them. And I do have a lot of guy friends. I guess not giving information can be seen as deceitful in a way. But I am only responding to the way I have been treated in the past. Others have behaved this way, so I assumed it was how the game was to be played. Is it wrong to try and protect yourself from the jackasses the prowl the singles scene and go through women like they do socks? I don't think what I did was wrong. I am only sorry that someone's feeling got hurt. That is never my intention. But I also think about the many, many times I have been hurt because I made assumptions about the people I was dating and their extracurricular activities. I guess it takes more experience then some have as of yet to lose the naivete and realize the ways of the game of love are not fair and honest and everything does not work out the way you optimistically planned it in your mind. It's sad that experience dampens and almost washes out innocence completely, but I guess it is crucial to evolving as a person. A loss of innocence is just part of the game. I guess some hold on to theirs longer then others. Some of lose it rapidly as our experiences are greater much sooner in life. Others maintain it well into adulthood as they continue to live a more "sheltered" existence. So who do we consider the lucky ones? Those that hold on to their innocence longer or those that have experiences that have washed it away much earlier?